Fan Fic
As You Are
Part 8 - Unexpected
© Stef
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Tired, James fell into bed. The day had been very exhausting as it had been the last in the studio. In a few days they would hear their songs - except "Rain of Roses". That would be the new single and the day after tomorrow they would shoot the video in South Africa, at the Cape of Good Hope. He didn't know if he should be happy or sad. Happy because he would see something else and could be in the sun - first he'd thought of "enjoying the sun" but that seemed so wrong in his situation - and sad because he had to live in some other hotel again. And Charlie would be there 24/7 to play the worried and to see if he took those pills again. Ki opened the door to his room and looked at him. "Hey James, do you want some pizza? You look a little thin again! And you haven't eaten any of your pasta!" James sighed. Was he watching him? But then he just nodded. He did feel hungry. Just a little bit as he never had a lot of appetite in these periods. This one was really cruel and long! Ki smiled. "Good! You don't talk much these days, do you?" James didn't want to answer but finally said, "I'm just tired after this day, but pizza sounds great!" Ki nodded and shut the door.
James stood up again and walked over to his desk where his calendar lay. Today was the 18th October. A few days before, Charlie had celebrated his birthday. James had been there but he couldn't enjoy it. There had been all these happy people and he'd felt out of place. He'd borne it for two hours but than it had been too much for him. He had told Charlie that he was sorry and his band mate had nodded and asked if this sound was there again. He'd just nodded - as always - and had gone home to bed where he'd cried and cried. James made a cross for the next day with this voice, leafed through the book and counted the days. 28...30...31 - again more than the last time. And this time he had lost his hope that it would ever end. ******** "James, come on!" Ki ran towards him and took one of his two suitcases. "Sorry for being late!" James mumbled and hurried to get into the plane. He had fallen asleep very late in the morning and so it hadn't been easy to get up just two hours later. When he finally sat down, he was immediately in the land of dreams again. "James... James, it's time to get up! James, please get up!" James felt a hand on his shoulder and a gentle shaking. As he opened his eyes, Richard smiled at him "James, we're in Capetown! Come on!" James groaned and answered "OK, I'm awake!" His tour manager sighed. "James, you should take things easier. I'm sure you didn't sleep a lot last night. That's because you think too much. You're taking things too seriously!" James first thought of just nodding like he used to do but he didn't feel that Richard was right with the claim that he was taking things too serious. He took them as seriously as he needed to. So he answered a little angrily "Why do you think I don't get enough sleep? Are you Big Brother? Do you have cameras in our rooms?" When he realised what he was saying, he apologised before Richard could say anything. Richard just nodded. "There you see it! You're just too tired. And do you know how long it took to wake you up? I almost thought you'd lost consciousness!" James just sighed. Richard could tell him a lot! He stood up and picked up his suitcase, then left the plane. When they arrived at the hotel, everyone went straight to bed, because they were so tired that they wanted to use every minute that was left of their free time for the necessary sleep. James was too tired to act fast enough and so he got the room next to Stef's again. That was even stranger than the last time cause in Berlin he had tried to ignore Stef and now Stef was ignoring him. He took the keys and said to Richard "Now I'm going to sleep. Satisfied?" Richard just nodded. That was a little strange for him but James was too tired to notice. In his room he flopped onto the bed and tried to sleep but it was impossible, as the voice was too loud. James glanced at the test tube, which lay on the floor, next to his jacket. Should he take one of his little helpers? He remembered Charlie's words "You know how dangerous that could be if you take them every day. One day you'll be addicted! You couldn't survive without them anymore." That's what he'd said but Charlie couldn't imagine the pain in James's head! What was addiction compared with the pain he was going through? For the next few minutes he tried to fight against it, but it was so hard! "Take your pills! But you won't destroy me! I have the power!" The voice said and laughed again. Then it started with the most horrible thing: it started teasing him and telling him was a fool, a worthless jerk without friends. James started crying. He had lost the fight once again. When he grabbed the test tube he even fell out of bed because he felt so weak of fighting. Lying on the ground, he opened the test tube and was shocked. He'd forgotten to buy a new one after that incident with Charlie and now there were just six in it. SIX! For three days! He had to find something similar to those soothing pills in Capetown! Last week he'd needed four a day, so it was absolutely necessary! He wasn't addicted; he just wanted to be sure that this voice wasn't in the way while they were shooting the video. James took one of the pills and felt tired at once. That wasn't how they worked normally and he was confused. While he was trying to read the side effects, which were stated on the tube, it was really hard for him to keep his eyes open. The last thing he saw was that there was the sentence "Do not take on an empty stomach" written on the side. Then everything went black. James opened his eyes slowly. He felt as if he had a massive hangover although he hadn't been drunk. For a few seconds he was disorientated. He looked around. His jacket was lying next to him, the suitcase stood at the wall. Then he remembered what had happened. Why hadn't he read the label before? Of course he hadn't eaten anything for breakfast because he'd been too late. There it was again: the evidence that James Bourne was a jerk! Nobody with a brain would take tablets without reading if there were any risks! How late was it? James looked at his watch and was relieved when he saw that he wasn't late again. He stood up and his head swam. Very slowly he went into the bathroom and splashed his face with ice-cold water. It didn't help a lot but now he could face the others. They wouldn't be suspicious. His so-called friends. If they really were his friends, they would ask! And that showed him again that the voice in his head was so damn right. As James went downstairs - with his headache, he couldn't take the lift, as he feared it would become worse from sudden movements - he met Charlie. Why was Charlie always showing up in the wrong places? It almost seemed as if he was James's shadow! Charlie looked at him. "Everything OK? You look a bit..." James just nodded. He wasn't in the mood for a conversation and he knew that Charlie just wanted to know if he'd taken the soothing tablets again. So they went downstairs without saying another word. The others were already there and had had lunch. ******* "Look into the camera! Yes, like that! And show your smile! Imagine the most beautiful woman there on the cape!" James smiled - but not because any old imaginary woman. He wasn't interested! If there would just be her...He drifted away and everyone was happy "Hey that looks very realistic! Great, James, you're ready!" James sighed. That had been a hard day! It wasn't just the work. He didn't feel very well and didn't like the hotel. The food was bad, the sun too hot, the town too dirty and Charlie and Stef were so close again... God, this damn jealousy! Why did he care, Stef didn't want him anymore. Not as a lover and also not as a friend. Richard looked at him. "Go and catch some sleep! You need it!" James just nodded and then something happened what James wasn't prepared for. Stef came up to him. "Are you really OK? You've hardly spoken for weeks. I'm really worried! You just nod all the time. And DON'T nod now!" James looked at her and tried not to burst out in tears. After a few seconds he already had the mask on his face again. He smiled "What could be wrong?" and turned away. When he was in his room he realised that it had been too easy. He'd known Stef for so many years now that he could tell when something more was about to come from her. Stef wasn't his mate anymore. She had become a stranger to him. She'd asked just out of politeness. She had been so cruel to him that James asked himself why he just couldn't forget her. As so often in the last four weeks he started crying and hated himself for that. This voice told him that he was so weak and such a fool and he couldn't do anything against it - there weren't any tablets in the tube anymore. He'd taken five at once. That was dangerous and James knew that but there was no other option - he had to be able to do the video shoot. The tears ran over his hot face as he heard someone knocking on Stef's door. "Who is it?" Stef asked and another voice said, "Its Charlie, please let me in!" James got angry with jealousy. Charlie added "It's about James!" James was shocked and couldn't help but eavesdrop. He noticed that Stef got up very quickly - he could hear that. One second later she was at the door and letting Charlie in. He began at once "Didn't you notice anything, Stef? He hasn't been the same for a long time! Something's wrong!" Now James's heart almost stood still. Stef didn't talk as loudly as Charlie and so James had to sit next to the wall. "I'm very worried too - not to say afraid! I wanted to talk to him but, you know, he has all these walls inside and it's hard to get through to him. He's my best friend, sure I've seen something...a big change!" James prayed that Charlie wasn't going to tell Stef about the incident in the toilet...He did! Charlie told Stef everything! "He took them as if they were sweets! He told me the sound was back!" Stef began shouting "Why the hell didn't he tell me?" "SHH, he might hear you!" Charlie tried to calm her down. After a moment of silence, James could hear a sob - Stef was crying! James felt strange: guilty because Stef had cried because of him and... HAPPY! He couldn't believe it but he felt happy. Stef really seemed to care. She wasn't acting because now he wasn't there and they were talking about him. Charlie liked him too! He felt in heaven and started to cry as well. Stef whimpered, "Why does he hurt me that much? We all love him and he..." Charlie answered, "Sometimes I believe that he thinks we don't like him! That's when he just nods..." "But if you're right, then it would have been for several weeks now! Why didn't we notice?" Stef asked in disbelief. "We did! You did! We always wanted to talk to him, but..." Then Charlie whispered and James couldn't hear anything. He didn't care because he felt wonderful. He wasn't the fool that wasn't loved. The voice was lying. The voice... He couldn't believe it but it had GONE! Just vanished! |