Fan Fic
As You Are
Part 7 - I Was Right
© Stef
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James opened his eyes and looked at his alarm clock. It was five in the morning and he had woken up because his phone had rung. Quickly, he answered it, as it had to be really important. Why else would somebody want to call him that early? "James Bo..." he said, but was interrupted by Mattie. "James, I have a baby girl! She is so cute and ...wow I don't know what to say!" James was awake immediately and felt very happy for Matt. He said "Congratulations! How is Kerry?" Matt told him that she was fine, that the birth had been without any complication and again that his girl was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. James replied, "Say 'congratulations' from me. I'm coming this afternoon to see her and the baby. So you won't sing today? I'll call Fletch...if you haven't already!" Now Mattie laughed. "Always thinking of the business, lad! I was going to call him right after Charlie. Thought you'd tell the other two." James felt honoured again cause Matt could have phoned Ki or Stef as well, or Charlie before, but he'd chosen him. They said their goodbyes and James got up to tell the others. Stef and Ki were thrilled and Ki had to pay Stef �10 as they had bet on whether the baby would be a boy or a girl.
"Isn't life strange, a total mystery, as we passed each day, did you notice me..." James walked along the corridor from his room to the kitchen and was singing "Nothing is impossible", because it was a wonderful day and he felt that nothing on earth could hold him back. As he reached the cupboard he took a glass and a bottle of water. He was lost in nice thoughts of his past and of the little baby they were going to see that afternoon. James told himself "So, voice! Now you're scared, aren't you? You wouldn't dare to destroy my mood cause this time I'm stronger! I would kill you!" Than he mumbled "And Stef would kill you, too. That's for sure. Cause she likes me, whether you like that or not!" "Did you say something to me, James?" James was shocked and turned around quickly. He blushed. "No, I was talking to myself!" Stef looked at him and grinned, "I'm here, and you don't need to talk to yourself! Talk to me!" She went to the cupboard and took a glass. When she took the bottle from James their hands touched and James felt the warm shiver again. Then they sat down at the table with their drinks. Stef was really excited that Mattie was a father and for the fourth time James had to tell her everything Matt had said on the phone. But he loved doing that because it made her smile. After James had told her everything they just sat there and looked at each other. James enjoyed the silence and he looked into his best friend's eyes. Stef suddenly turned away and mumbled "I've forgotten...I - I still have to clean up my room!" With that she rushed away. James was confused. That had so obviously been an excuse. He'd known Stef for so many years now and she couldn't lie without James knowing. Had he done something to upset his friend? He reviewed what had happened and couldn't find anything that had gone wrong. "It's you, James!" There it was again! No, that couldn't be true. He whispered sharply "Shut up!" and tried not to listen. Then he turned the TV on to take his mind off the voice. After a while Stef came back and sat next to him. She looked at James. "Sorry... I don't know why I rushed away. I was a little tired and needed some time on my own!" James looked at his friend cause there was something in her voice that told him that she wasn't telling him the truth. Now he also could see it in Stef's eyes. She was lying! To his face! Why? What had he done wrong? James didn't dare to ask because he feared that the answer could hurt him. He wanted to keep the illusion. Although he somehow knew that Stef would tell him she didn't want him anymore. He just knew it! He knew that Stef had realised that he was a loser. There was an awkward silence between them. Both of them were hiding the truth. Something in their friendship broke in that moment and James could feel that the wall, which Stef had broken down just a few days before, existed again. And it was higher and more difficult to destroy cause the person he had trusted more than anyone else in this world had betrayed his confidence. If it wasn't for the illusion James would have told Stef that she was a damn liar and that she could tell him that she just was his friend out of pity. Or whatever else... But this illusion could help him through the next days until the reality really would hit him. Ki came into the room "Hey guys! What are you doing?" Both said in unison "Watching TV!" and then it was silent again. Ki sat down between them and looked from one to the other "What's up with you? Something's wrong!" James tried to smile and said, "No, no, you're seeing things! I'm just tired and as Stef just told me, she is too! You know all this work in the studio..." Ki sighed. "That's strange. I can't remember a day in here - or even back in Finchley - that you've been this silent, but OK, it's not my pigeon. Tell me when you're gonna visit Kerry." Then he got up and went away. Stef looked at James. "Is everything OK with you? Like I said, I really was tired!" James just nodded and turned back to the TV again. "James," Stef tried once again and James sighed angrily. "I said that it's OK, now let me watch this!" Stef sighed too and lifted her hands up. "OK, OK!" ****** Charlie looked at James when they were in the studio. It was no wonder that he couldn't concentrate on his melody. James's thoughts had been around the same subject like the last 12 days. Why was he chosen? Why had he to be that person that nobody loved? After that incident with Stef it had got even worse. Stef had begun to break off the contact with him. First she just had stopped hugging him and calling him these names. Stopping the 'honey' and 'sweetie' names was still OK but that she didn't hug him anymore hurt him bad. He needed those moments when he could pull Stef close and know that everything was all right, no matter what would come. After that James had thought that it couldn't come worse but he had been so wrong. Stef had started to whisper with Charlie. And went out of rooms with him. It was obvious that she didn't want him anymore. James's worst nightmare seemed to come true. The voice was also back and it punished him badly. It laughed more than ever and he just could bear it with soothing tablets. He took more than he was allowed to but he saw no other way out. At least he wasn't taking any drugs. Once he had thought about how it would be just to take one of those pills and to feel happy again. But that was nothing for him. He just took these tablets cause without them he would go insane. He would survive. Somehow. Not knowing how, but he just kept living. But for the lads, the fans, the family, the press and everyone else out there who looked at him he acted as if everything was great. "James?" It was the voice of David, one of the producers who was looking at him from the small room behind the glass and speaking into the microphone. James was surprised, but somehow he knew that he would criticise him. He wasn't very good today and he knew that, so he took a deep breath and walked over. The guys looked at him through the glass and he tried to smile back it wasn't easy. J�rgen, the other guy looked at him and sighed "James, what is wrong? What you're doing today is rubbish! I'm gonna show you, what I mean!" He pushed one of the million buttons on his mixing console and James heard what he'd sung. It was awful! Ashamed he looked down. No wonder that Charlie had been looking at him. J�rgen said, "And you're really able to do it so much better. Here's something to remind you of your great voice! Listen carefully!" Then he played James's takes of "Hope in your eyes". When he'd sung that song his voice really had been much better but that was because his whole life had been much better. He hadn't needed to take tablets to survive the day. He had had a friend. He hadn't heard that cruel voice. He took a few deep breaths so that he could look up again. As he heard that someone clearing their throat insecurely he knew at once who it was. His heart jumped as he ran to the door "Stef! I'm coming!" He opened the door and let her in. Stef really seemed to be unsure and scared. She took a deep breath and said "I think we have to talk, James! There's something wrong with you...and with our friendship...I don't wanna talk around it..." She looked at James and the he knew that this would be serious. So he sat down on the bed and told Stef to do the same. She continued, "I talked to Charlie about you and he is concerned as well, so I made some phone-calls and now..." James was confused. Why had Stef phoned someone regarding their friendship? But he didn't dare to ask so he just waited what would happen. Stef sighed and then she asked, "Please tell me the truth! Do you think I don't love you? The lads and I? And more: Do you think I might ever leave you? That you would be alone?" She paused but James was so shocked that Stef really knew how he felt that he couldn't say anything. Stef suddenly had tears in her eyes and James didn't feel happy anymore. He couldn't comfort Stef. She kept asking, "James, why do you think I don't love you? You're my best friend!" James sighed and knew he had to answer that question, so he told her what he had thought about her. "So why did you ignore me? Why don't you want me around anymore?" James was feeling tears coming up and tried hard not to show his feelings. Stef had always thought he was strong and now he didn't want to destroy her picture of him. Now Stef started to cry. "James! What are you saying? You said you needed some time on your own! Of course I want you around! God, James!" James moved closer to Stef and hugged her cause he didn't want her to cry. He felt better inside. Stef was the same mate as always. His friend. Stef whimpered, "Why don't you tell me the truth? It's not just me, is it? Am I right when I say that it isn't a sound that you hear? I've talked with someone. It's a voice, isn't it?" James moved away again. Stef really knew. Now he couldn't hold back the tears anymore and the words just came out. He told Stef everything. About his present, about his past. "Yes, it's a damn voice! Oh, Stef, you can't imagine it! It teased me all night and all day. It told me that I was all alone. That you don't love me, and that Charlie was brilliant at acting concerned. That Ki just watched me. That Mattie was right, when he said that you were the only one who can handle me. That Richard was a liar when he said I needed more sleep. It made me think you just need me for your career and if it wasn't for the music you wouldn't even talk to me! The day in Paris, it laughed all the time and I couldn't cope with it anymore. The soothing tablets helped a bit, so the voice wasn't as loud as normal and so I took them more often. But this voice was so loud! Then it got better again. In Dublin, I thought it was the last time. You know, I've had these periods before...Then one day when we were in the kitchen, it started again. It told me you'd lied to me! And the voice told me I'd lost you. That time it was the worst ever! So I couldn't sing and David had shown me the tape of a good day. That was too much for me! I needed those tablets again but it didn't work! So I kept taking them, and took almost all of them. Charlie came in at that moment. He was so shocked but the voice just said he was a good actor. He probably saved my life. I don't know how many pills I would have needed to be so soothed that I'd never wake up again. The voice always reminded me of Finchley, my cousins, the boys at school, all the people who have beaten me up and tortured me. You know how often I've been in your parents' Caf� and you and your mum helped me to fix up all those bruises and cuts. If it wasn't Dick and Eric, my two cousins. They always told me I was nothing and that you were only my friend out of pity. And one day you would see what a loser I was and you would leave me. I started to believe them cause you were my first real friend and before that production of Grease I was always alone. The day I was told to be Kennicky they beat the shit out of me and said, "Who wants to see Grease when YOU play Kennicky?" You know that I almost quit. You were been so angry and have asked "Who the hell has beaten you up?" It was the first time you'd seen me after I was beaten up. But you got used to it..." Stef had been silent the whole time but now she interrupted James. "No! I never got used to it! It hurt me so much to see you suffering! I wanted to beat them all to death! I couldn't believe that they didn't realise that you were the best lad and that you had so much in you! I wanted them to know that you were a better guy then all of them together! That was one of the reasons I encouraged you to play Kennicky! To show the whole world how much was in you!" James was surprised to hear that from Stef. He swallowed and went on. "...Even when I was a little boy my cousins always told me that I was a jerk and so I became really shy. I never dared to say anything, just nodded, shrugged or shook my head - just as in the last few weeks. So it was no wonder that no child wanted to play with me. I played with my elder brothers and sisters and later when they thought they'd be too old for playing, I was all alone. Until I met you, then it got better. I began to laugh, tell jokes, and show my real inside. But one thing I've never showed you was my fragile side. There was a reason for that, too. Eric always beat me up when I cried. He laughed and said, "You're a baby! Just babies cry!" So I told myself you would hurt me when I cried. Don't get me wrong, I never thought you'd beat me but...you wouldn't love me anymore or you'd make a silly joke about it. I didn't tell you that I was afraid in the dark. And I still am! That's because when I slept in their house, they always scared me in the dark and Dick loved to beat me up when I didn't think he would and that was almost always in the night when it was dark and I couldn't see him." Stef whispered "Oh god, now I know why you were so afraid when the light was broken! You told me everything was OK and I pretended that I believed you but I know when you lie. You've pleaded we won't beat you! I was shocked when I heard how much fear was in your voice. Didn't your parents do anything against that?" James whispered, "They didn't know. I always said that I've fallen from a tree or something like that. I was too afraid of getting beaten up again!" Stef sighed "God, that must have been hell for you!" James just nodded, he wanted to go on as soon as possible cause it felt so good to let everything out. "And you know that I'm afraid of horses. That's just by nature, nothing my cousins did but you teased me for it. You didn't mean it, I know that. It's like you tease Charlie for his phobias and as I tease Mattie for his fear of heights. I just thought 'If Stef makes jokes about this fear, how would he tease you when you tell him about the fear of the dark?' So it was just one secret more. And I am so ashamed that I fooled you all my life! I didn't mean it! The boys from school didn't make it better but they were nothing compared with my two cousins. Eric always called me "girl" and "dreamer" because I stood in front of the mirror with a brush in my hand and dreamt of being a rock star. It wasn't just the music and the business which fascinated me but also the fact that I could get away from them and that I could show them 'James Bourne has done it! You didn't think he could, but he is strong.' To be a star was the dream I was fighting for. Why didn't I give up. That's why I'm always so serious when one of the lads is too late. Why I always do the business with Fletch and Richard. Because I don't want Busted to end. That would mean that Eric was right. And there's one last thing I wanna tell you...If I don't have the courage now I won't tell it ever." Stef looked at James and seemed to be worried of what might come. James took another deep breath and said, "I'm in love." Stef looked surprised but also hurt and James didn't know why. She said "The girl in your song!" James nodded and looked deep into Stef's eyes "And... that girl is you!" Stef was still crying and now she looked at him in disbelief. "NO!" James felt so silly. Of course Stef would act like that. And he'd imagined for one second that she could love him! Suddenly he felt lips on his. Stef had kissed him! Now James was totally confused. He stuttered "What...why..." Stef took James's hands in hers and smiled happily. "I guess I have to explain! I've really ignored you for the last few weeks, you're right. I've tried to. It's not because I didn't like you anymore. Oh, you stupid man, it was because I realised that my feelings for you have changed. I felt affection. Real affection. When you played the piano my heart beat faster. When you looked at me with your lovely blue eyes I thought I'd die. And you can't imagine how I felt when I heard you singing that song in the studio. I was jealous of the woman I'd thought you'd written it to but also so overwhelmed! Your voice�the love in it! That evening in Cologne when I'd been so drunk, I would have kissed you! Well, if it had been you and not Charlie who'd taken me to my room and I was so hurt when you took your room so far away from me. I thought you'd realised that I'd fallen in love with you and wanted to keep a distance. So I did my best to ignore my feelings but that day in the kitchen I knew it was impossible if we were to do so much together. So I started to dissociate from you. I did a lot of things with Charlie as you know..." James smiled cause he felt so happy again - even happier than before. He said, "And I was so jealous of Charlie! Did you tell him?" Stef shook her head and James went on, "But I did!" Stef couldn't believe it. "Really? Wow. So you are very sure..." "That I love you?" James interrupted and Stef nodded. James moved closer again and held her tight. "Of course I am!" |