Fan Fic
As You Are
Part 6 - Affection
© Stef
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James woke up sweating. He'd dreamt so many confusing things that night! Looking at the ceiling he passed his dream in review. First there had been a field in Southend. He'd played there often as a kid. There'd been so many flowers in thousands of colours and he'd run as fast as he could. First it had been just to enjoy the day but suddenly the day had become darker and darker and he'd run away from the boys from his old school and his cousins who'd teased him and had laughed. Then there'd been this wall and James had realised that he was at a dead end. When the boys had come so near that he could see their cruel eyes a door had appeared in the wall and there had been light inside. He'd knocked as loud as he could and Stef had opened the door - just as she had done several times in the past when James had been chased and the Carlton Caf�, her parents' restaurant, had been the only place he'd known he was safe. She'd taken him in and had shut the door. Through the window James still could see the dark and cruel faces. Stef had pulled him close and had kissed him. Then James had woken up.
He tried to control his breath and looked at the alarm clock. It was 8am in the morning and he decided to get up and take a shower. In half an hour the others would also get up as they would have a hard day in the studio with loads of work. When he stood at the door and glanced a last time at Stef he saw that she was awake and looking back at him. A smile darted over his face and he turned the light on. Stef groaned, "Help me, I'm blind!" and sat up on the bed. James grinned "Poor Stef!" and was on his way out to the bathroom as Stef stopped him "James?" As he turned around, his mate looked at him with knitted brows. "Are you OK? I mean the thing that happened last night..." James sighed. He should have known that Stef would ask about his silly behaviour. He tried to be a good actor and smiled "Yeah, sure! Didn't I tell you that I just..." Stef interrupted him and James was surprised as it usually wasn't her nature to do so. "Yes, you did. But I know you long enough to know that you can be very stubborn! And don't deny that. It's you!" His friend was right. He was stubborn but it was just self-protection. James nodded "Maybe! But now, I'm feeling all right. It was just the shock!" Stef sighed and answered, "Ok, I give in! When you need someone to talk to..." "I know, thanks!" James said and went to the bathroom for his shower. The morning in the studio was great. In the long period before recording they were bubbling over with ideas for songs and arrangements. Stef was a perfectionist as always and she was never satisfied with her takes. Charlie grinned at Ki and Matt said to James "Stef will be a granny when she finishes this song!" James just noticed it but his main attention was lying on Stef. She sang so wonderfully! James didn't understand why she wanted to repeat it that often cause for him it sounded just perfect. But every following time it was even better although he'd thought that was impossible. The song was called "Rain of Roses" and was a very slow ballad. Charlie waved his hand in front of James so suddenly that he was startled. When James looked at him his friend grinned "I think we should call you 'Mr Daydream' from now on!" James just grinned back and was relieved that it wasn't that obvious that he was so caught by Stef's voice. After Stef had done her single takes, it was Ki's turn and James sat down on the table to think about that melody he had in his head for a few weeks now. It was a very fast one and he wanted to make something with it, cause normally he just wrote love songs - or songs in the Nirvana-style which sure wasn't anything for Busted. Charlie sat next to him and looked at the piece of paper, which lay in front of James. Up to now it was blank and Charlie asked "Do you have an idea?" James just nodded cause he had something in his mind and if he wouldn't concentrate on it now, he would lose it again. He wanted to write a thank you-song for the fans. They were so incredible and did so many things for them. They even were concerned when he looked tired. His brain was working. After a few minutes, he knew two lines and wrote them down. As he looked down to the paper, he just read, "I'm living my dream because of you, I would be a nobody who's feeling blue!" He sighed and crossed it again. Charlie looked curious at him and he told him his idea. The oldest member of Busted smiled "Hey, I love that! Don't wanna steal your idea but wouldn't it be great if we'd write that song all together, I mean..." James nodded and Charlie stopped talking. When Ki had finished his single takes for "Rain of Roses", Charlie told the lads of James's idea. The three others also were all for it and James felt very proud. Stef looked at him and said with a smile on her face "That's my honey! Come here sweetie!" James hugged her and said "I already have a melody in my mind! You guys wanna hear it?" Everyone nodded and James went over to the piano, which stood in the little separate room next to the studio itself. He took a deep breath and started to play. It came out of him although he'd never played it before but he knew this instrument in and out. He could express his feelings on it and someone who knew him could look into his soul while listening to the song he played. Now he just felt good and everyone was sure about it cause the melody was so positive. Matt was the first who started dancing around the piano. James watched him and just had to laugh. It looked so funny! Charlie and Stef joined him and were hopping in front of his face. Ki just leaned on the wall and laughed at his mates. When the last note faded out Matt and Ki started clapping simultaneously and Stef smiled from ear to ear. She stood in front of James and hugged him tight "That was just AMAZING! You're a real magician, do you know that?! You always get the right melody in the right moment! How are you doing that?! I'm so...words fail me!" She seemed to be overwhelmed and James got a bit embarrassed. He started "It's just a mel..." when Stef kissed him on his cheek. After a short moment of silence James regained his composure. He told himself that it just had been on the cheek and looked into Stef's eyes again "Thanks sweetheart!" "You're welcome, honey!" Charlie laughed, "What luck for you guys that Fletch isn't here! Remember the last time in Cologne... You make such a sweet couple!" ******** James stood in front of the microphone and sang his solo part of "Hope in your eyes". He was so happy that the others and the producers liked the song and that it was his possibility to show the world out there that James Bourne could sing. Up to now he just had a few short lines in "Seasons in the Sun" on the first album and "You make me feel" on the second album, three lines in "Uptown Girl" and a verse in "Nothing is Impossible" which was just a bonus track. But he loved that song cause it was the first song he'd written together with Charlie and Mattie. He'd been a bit disappointed when they'd told him that it wasn't good enough for the "Coast to Coast" album but when he'd seen that "Fragile Heart" was on it instead he'd felt better because he was proud of the song, which he'd written with Stef and Mattie. - the only fact he didn't like was that it wasn't him who'd sung his part but Ki. Now he sang his part and tried to put as much emotion in it as possible. He closed his eyes and imagined Stef's face with her beautiful hazel green eyes and the smile he dreamt of. As he opened his eyes again he was surprised to see the real Stef behind the glass. She smiled at him and had a loving expression in her eyes. James felt warm and comfortable right away and sang with more emotion than he thought would be in him. At the faces of the producers, Stef and Matt - who would sing the bridges - he could see that they also hadn't expected a voice like that. James felt in heaven. This was what he always had dreamt of: that someone was astonished. That someone would see the potential in him. As he came out of the small room Stef looked at him, amazed. "Wow, James! Why didn't you sing like that before, honey! I really felt shivers down my spine!" Matt came over and grinned "Great, lad! Give me five!" James did so and smiled. He felt as wonderful as never before. Stef looked at him with this something in her eyes James hadn't seen before. It was as if she liked him more than a friend but as she wasn't sure, she didn't want to destroy a brilliant friendship. When James lay down on his bed after another exhausting but wonderful week in the studio he had to think. He had to admit that he really felt attracted to Stef and this was without bursting in tears and J�rgen said, "I hope you're able to do it that way again. Do your best, even if this isn't your day, OK?" James just nodded. He hadn't talked much since that day. If he'd said something to Stef, it would probably have been the wrong thing to say. And then she would hate him even more. Before he could go back to the others, he went to the toilet cause the laughter inside was so loud now that he almost couldn't hear anything else. He despaired so much that he banged his head on the wall to ease the pain. He looked into the mirror and the voice said, "Look at you! Now you even look like a loser!" He looked tired, pale and full of pain and the tears were running down his face. He took one of the tablets but it didn't help. After taking another one it wasn't much better, so he held the bottle with the tablets up to his mouth and took them like sweets. That moment the door opened and Charlie stood in front of him. He acted so quickly that James couldn't defend himself: he ran to James, held his head over the washbasin so that most of the tablets fell out of his mouth. James choked as Charlie shouted at him, "Spit them out! DO IT!" Charlie's hand on James's neck hurt and Charlie pushed even more when he didn't do what he said. James whimpered "Please! You're hurting me!" Charlie answered, "Do what I've said! Or I'll shout so loud that all the others come and see you. Do you want that?" James had no choice. He spit the last few tablets into the basin and cried. He couldn't feel Charlie's hand on his neck anymore and straightened up again. When he saw the concerned look of his friend, the voice told him, "They are good actors. All of them! He just did that for himself. When you're like that, you can't sing and when you can't sing, THEY have a problem!" After a moment of silence Charlie asked "Why?" James just couldn't say anything. The voice was right. Charlie had stolen his best friend. First he tried to defend himself. "That was just soothing pills!" But Charlie had seen how many he'd taken and said "How soothed did you wanna become? You've taken nearly all of them! Look, the test tube is almost empty!" So James found a good excuse. He thought of all that had happened in Paris. "I hear these sounds again. I can't cope with it, and it drives me insane. I needed something to stop it and as it didn't when I took the first one, I didn't see another way!" Charlie was holding his wrist and it was hurting him. "God, James, you could have killed yourself! How long have you taken them again?" This time James couldn't lie. He just wanted this talk to be over as soon as possible. He answered "Dani's birth! Then it started again!" Charlie's face went pale. Damn, he was a great actor! Then he said to James, "Oh god! For almost two weeks now..." James couldn't only answer sharply, "Try being me for just ONE fucking day! Just ONE! And if you don't need these tablets, congratulations!" Charlie looked at him "Why didn't you talk to us?" James said, "I didn't want to bother you. And with those tablets it was OK. It wasn't as loud!" Charlie just nodded. "So you don't want me telling the others?" James just shook his head and Charlie said "OK, but only if you stop with all these tablets. Go to a doctor or whatever but you know how dangerous it can be when you take them every day. One day you'll be addicted! You couldn't survive without them!" James felt irritated by Charlie again, and knew there was no way out of this room without the others knowing that he had a problem. As he nodded, Charlie smiled. "Good! You really shocked me! Come on, clean your face and then we'll go back! And do you think you might sing better even with that sound in your ear?" They walked back to the other three lads who were already waiting for them. Stef looked at him. "James, are you OK?" James felt hurt by Stef's voice. He couldn't look at her as he nodded. So the recording went on as if nothing had happened. |