Fan Fic
As You Are
Part 5 - Signs
© Stef
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James's mood was very bad. He shouted at everyone to leave him alone cause he was a slave of the voice, which told him so. The lads gave him a wide berth as he really hurt them. He knew that but couldn't do anything against it. He hoped if he would do what the voice said, it would escape some day...
And today he stood at the table in the apartment in Dublin and made another cross in his calendar. One for yesterday, he had started to Ki his bad periods, just because he wanted to be sure that they didn't become longer. But they did! This time it had been 29 days. That wasn't good. AND there was the incident in Paris. That had been VERY bad! He never had felt like that before. Today was a new start. He had to party for two reasons: first, he was in Ireland and didn't have to live in a stupid hotel. He really couldn't see those buildings anymore. Second, the voice had gone again. He smiled and put the calendar away. James felt it was the last time. It had to be! He felt so good that he was sure the voice wouldn't dare to cross his way again. Ki knocked on his door "James? Are you up" James looked up "Yeah, come in!" He, Ki and Stef had lived in this apartment for almost two years now. When they had appointments in Dublin, recorded an album or did other stuff for Busted, they stayed here. Before they had always been in hotels, but after a while they needed something which was theirs and it wasn't possible to come every day from Finchley. Charlie lived in a house with George, and Mattie lived with Kerry and the single band members shared this. It was great to have the other two around cause James hated being alone. Ki often went for walks cause he needed that space. He also had his own hotel room when the others shared. He was a nice mate and took all his energy from the time on his own. Ki smiled at him now and James realised - as always after these periods of doubts - that he had been so wrong when he thought Ki wasn't honest with him. "I just wondered if you'd like to take a walk with me! And perhaps have a burger at McDonalds - you look a little pale and thin!" James was astonished that his friend had noticed that and once again he was aware that he had the best friends on earth. He hadn't eaten well the last days because all he could think of was how to handle with that voice and now that Ki mentioned McDonalds he felt how hungry he was. "Do you mind when we start at McDonalds and walk afterwards?" Ki laughed "No!" "One McChicken Maxi Menu, please!" James ordered and looked at Ki who couldn't decide what to order. When James finally got his meal, Ki looked up and said "Get a table! I know what I want!" James shook his head, amused, and found a table far away from the window. The good thing when they were on promotion tour was that they could walk along the streets without getting too much attention but here in Dublin it was almost impossible. As he wanted to have a nice meal without being disturbed he took the table in the left corner. After a few minutes Ki joined him and sat down. While they were eating they talked about the last few weeks. Ki reKied that the tour break would be good for James with his ears and James just could nod. If he could know the real reason for his screaming... Then they talked about the new album, which they were going to record in the next few weeks. James smiled as he told Ki of two good songs he'd written. He didn't want to but it just had come out of his mouth and now Ki was curious. So James had to promise him that he'd show it to Ki when they were at home at least one of them. When Ki and James came home from their walk, Stef was sitting in the kitchen reading an article in the newspaper. She looked a bit angry and James could sense that it was because of the article. So he went over to her and looked over her shoulder. It was an article about the promotion in Austria where they'd been after France. There was a photo with Mattie and one of the dancers of a TV show. They were looking at each other and smiled and the headline said "Busted's Mattie seen with strip dancer" And as he read the article he got angry himself, cause it was written as if Matt had deceived Kerry with that lady. Both of the lads knew that he'd only talked to her and that they'd had a little fun, nothing sexual, just as two friends. Stef took her mobile and phoned Mattie "Yes...Stef here! Did you already...What does she say? Phew, I'm relieved! How does she feel with the baby? OK, see you tomorrow! Bye!" Stef looked at James "Everything's alright. Hey, you look great today!" James just had to smile cause his friend seemed to mean what she'd said. Ki looked at James and James knew immediately what his friend was waiting for. He sighed, "Ok, Ok! One moment, I'll go and find the lyrics and the guitar! But just one, cause the other one is too personal I think. I have to wait a bit until I can show it anyone else - wait for the right moment." With that he walked out the door and went to his room. He didn't have to search it cause he knew where it was. He picked up the sheet and his guitar and took it to the kitchen. As he sat down and tuned his instrument four curious eyes looked at him and he got a little embarrassed. James cleared his throat and started singing nervously. Hope in your eyes There are days, I'm feeling all alone There are nights, nobody seems to love me These are moments, I don't have a home They seem to last eternally Days without a future Nights without a light Moments so hurting that it cuts like a knife Often I thought I couldn't go on Then I saw your smile Often I felt what I did was wrong Your eyes made it better for a while Without you I had given up And you don't even seem to know I guess that's what they call real love I'm just too shy to show I felt like leaving Then I saw the hope in your eyes I pretended to be another man Then your smile told me not to disguise What would I be without you? I wouldn't be where I am now I want to thank you for all you've done You're my strength, my love There are days out on my own There are nights so full of tears These are moments I've never shown Stay all alone with my fears Days without an end Nights in my solitary life Moments so hurting that it cuts like a knife Often I thought I couldn't go on Then I saw your smile Often I felt what I did was wrong Your eyes made it better for a while Without you I had given up And you don't even seem to know I guess that's what they call real love I'm just too shy to show I felt like leaving Then I saw the hope in your eyes I pretended to be another man Then your smile told me not to disguise What would I be without you? I wouldn't be where I am now I want to thank you for all you've done You're my strength, my love He looked up and waited for his mates' opinion. Ki was the first "That was great! REALLY great!" he smiled at James and the blonde guy felt a little relieved. Then he waited for his best friend's words. They were really important for him as he'd written the song for her in his last positive period. It had been in Cologne on the VIVA day, just after their visit of the cathedral. Stef seemed to be thinking and James got even more nervous. When she didn't say anything, James looked at her. "So?" "I'm very impressed! That's the best song you've ever written." she said after a short break. James smiled. His friends were so great. He loved living with them. Ki stood up and went to the cupboard, "Anyone want something to drink?" Both nodded and he asked "What about the other song?" James sighed. Ki was as curious as always and Stef was looking at him too. He hesitated then said "Sorry, it's too personal! Perhaps some day..." His best friend tried to change his mind. "Come on! I know so many songs you've written back home!" James shook his head. It was a song about Stef and it was too obvious. Even THIS one was very obvious! Three days later the James, Stef and Ki had invited the other two for a video night. At 9pm Charlie and Georgina came over and just ten minutes later Mattie and Kerry also made their way into the living room. They had some funny videos like Dr. Doolittle and Wayne's World and some horror shockers like Scream and the Blair Witch Project. It was a really nice evening. They had popcorn, coke and chips and enjoyed the films. Georgina teased Charlie as she saw that he'd had a real shock when the first person disappeared in the Blair Witch Project, he looked hurt but when she kissed him gently, everything was forgotten. Kerry sat in Mattie's arms. James had to look at her, she looked so good - like all pregnant women, and she smiled back and took James's hand. "James, sweetie, you can already feel him kicking!" James lay his hand down on her stomach and after a short moment he really could feel this little human being. He grinned. "It will play football later! And if the child comes after his father it might become a favourite goalkeeper, not like our tiny little Charlie!" Charlie turned to him "Why is everyone teasing me tonight! You aren't any taller than me, are you?" Many hours later, James sat at the table in the kitchen and said goodbye to Georgina and Charlie. Mattie and Kerry already had gone a few hours before cause Kerry had been very tired. He turned to Stef who was sat next to him. She had placed her hands on the table and her head lay on them. She was asleep and looked so peaceful. Ki returned "Our Miss Crouch again! She can sleep everywhere I think. I've noticed that the light in the corridor is broken! Gonna see after it tomorrow. Just wanted to tell you!" James smiled but didn't feel that good. He hated darkness as he always felt someone would beat him up in the next moment. He just nodded, then said goodnight to Ki because he was tired and needed some rest. In the middle of the night he heard some sounds somewhere in the front part of the apartment. Nervous as he was he stood up. What could that be? He walked along the dark corridor and felt uneasy in that situation. His heart was beating fast and loud and he tried to control his breath. James told himself that nothing could happen, they were in a safe apartment. But where did this sound come from then? Half the way, someone tapped on his shoulder and he started screaming. These pictures from home came to his mind and he lashed out in all directions. As somebody else ran towards him he felt the panic and helplessness coming up and screamed louder. He said, "Leave me alone!" and held his hands in front of his face to protect it from the beats that would come. The one that had run towards him said something but he was too much in thoughts of self-protection as that he would have been able to hear his voice. The next thing he realised was that he'd been pulled into the kitchen. He closed his eyes and prayed; afterwards he begged, "Don't beat me! Please don't beat me!" Then he heard that one of the two went away. Slowly he dared to open his eyes again. "Stef!" James was confused. He'd been so scared that it hadn't even come to his mind that those two people could have been Stef and Ki. Slowly he let his hands sink which still were in front of his face to protect it. The girl was worried. "James, what was that? You were totally insane!" James looked to the ground. He couldn't tell Stef the truth cause if she knew, she would see that he wasn't strong and somehow he was ashamed of his behaviour and remembered how Stef had teased him for his phobia of horses. After he'd thought of what to say he looked up again "I'm sorry! I just thought you'd be...don't know, a burglar or something like that!" James saw the sceptical face of his best friend and tried to insist that it was just that. "Really Stef. It was just the shock!" Stef nodded and said "OK, but I'm staying with you tonight! You look really confused!" James sighed but he knew that there was no other possibility for him. So Stef came with him and lay next to him on his bed, as they had done so many times before when they'd been teenagers. It was then that James realised he wanted Stef! And it felt very strange to sleep next to her but he also had this feeling of being protected. With Stef's warm hand on his stomach he drifted away into the land of dreams. |