Fan Fic
As You Are
Part 4 - Whispers And Laughter
© Stef
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"Matt, please wait!" James shouted along the corridor of the hotel in Munich. It was very early in the morning - about 4am - and his mind was still asleep. He had his packed suitcase in his right hand and stood at the door to his room. His band mate walked to the elevator and turned around again "WHY, So that you can continue shouting at me? Your short temper isn't my fault, OK?" Someone opened the door and shouted something in German. The lads realized how early it was and how loud they were and said "Sorry!" The man still looked angry, shook his head and shut the door again. Matt and James had shared a room cause James still felt strange around Stef. Like every morning he'd needed some time to wake up and Mattie already had sung songs and made jokes. That had driven the boy from Finchley mad and he had shouted at him. Mattie hadn't been prepared for that and had answered, "Do you have a problem?" So they had a dispute early in the morning until Matt had taken his suitcase and rushed out of the room. James placed his suitcase next to the door and ran towards him now "I'm sorry, Mattie! I didn't mean what I said!" The tall one still looked angry. "I hope that for your sake, James! How Stef can handle you still is a mystery to me!" James fell back to the wall. The words had hit him. He whispered "What...how do you mean that?" Did Mattie want to say the same things as his cousins? Were they right? Perhaps really no one could live with a jerk like James! James looked at Matt and was prepared to hear those nasty things he already knew from Finchley, but the expression on his friend's face changed. Suddenly he looked concerned "Hey, James. I'm...I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! You're a great friend, OK? It's just...I was a little angry with you because you shouted at me! I really didn't mean it!" James felt a lump in his throat and this voice was back. Just 6 days after it had disappeared! It said "Hey, he told you the truth! No one can bear you!" James took a deep breath and looked at Mattie "It's Ok. It was my fault!" His friend hugged him "No, OURS. I should have known that my singing was too early for you! It's not like I've known you since yesterday."
"Let's go! The lads are waiting!" James nodded and went slowly back to his hotel room, took a look inside to make sure that he hadn't forgotten anything and gripped his suitcase. They took the elevator down and met Charlie and Stef at the exit. Richard came after them and looked at his watch. "Where the hell is Ki? He'll be the death of me yet!" He took his mobile and dialled his number. After one minute he said "KI! We have to fly to Paris and what are you doing? The elevator didn't work! I'm not in the mood for your excuses. How do you think how WE got downstairs? Hurry up!" James could sense that Richard hadn't slept very well last night. Normally he was the most caring tour manager he could imagine, but today he seemed nervous and in a bad mood. James asked "What's up, Richard?" He didn't want to be curious, he just was concerned. Richard snapped at him, "None of your business, James. Do I ask YOU every morning?" James decided to shut his mouth for the rest of the day. It seemed that no one wanted his opinion. Matt had been right, it was just Stef who cared. When the plane landed in Paris, the voice inside of him teased him again "Hey, James, now you are in the town of love, but what does that mean to you? Nobody loves you and nobody ever will!!! It's so ridiculous that you thought Stef could be the one! YOU don't even love yourself, how could Stef? She is much too good for you..." "James?" He looked up and saw Charlie. He seemed concerned but that couldn't be real. He was just acting! No one cared. He smiled - a false one - and answered "Yeah?" Charlie smiled. "Daydreaming again?" In Paris, they even had some time for sightseeing. The last time they'd been in France the schedule was so full, that there was no chance to see the famous monuments. First they went along the Champs Elysees from the obelisk to the Arc de Triomphe. The weather was great, the sun was shining, but James couldn't enjoy it. This voice took his mind off the beauty. He just felt terrible and wished he would be so small that someone would walk over him to kill him. When they stood under the Arc, Ki jumped on him. "Hey, James! What's up, you're so quiet!" "Just leave me alone. Why do you ask, you don't really care!" he thought - or this voice inside told him, but he just mumbled, "I'm still tired! That's all!" Ki sighed, "Sometimes you're really complicated! Tell me if something's wrong, OK? And if you don't want to talk to me, tell Stef, but please tell someone!" James just nodded and Ki shrugged. These so-called friends didn't really know him! If they did, they would have seen that this voice was there. He could fool them so easily! Well, most of them. When he looked into the eyes of Stef or Charlie he wasn't sure that it worked. Sometimes he thought they knew that something wasn't OK but they didn't say anything. Strange friends!!! After they'd visited the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame, they had to check in their hotel. When James opened the door to his room and got dressed in some black shorts and a white t-shirt he heard this voice louder than ever. It laughed at him. He couldn't remember when all this had started, but the first time it really was loud - it was in April, two days after his 21st birthday - he just had heard it when he was alone. Now it was like a permanent whisper during the whole day and even in his dreams it chased him. When he was around the lads, it was just like a breath of wind but as soon as he'd shut the door and was all alone it shouted so loud that he thought he would go deaf. Today it was horrible: it wasn't saying anything, just laughing all the time. After a while James couldn't stand it anymore. He held his hands at his ears and whispered "Shut up...please leave me alone..." He felt as if he was going totally crazy. He sat on the bed but a minute later he stood up again and walked to and fro in his room. The tears of despair ran down his face. How could he stop it? He had to be louder than the laughter itself. He started crying out loud. It didn't work; the voice became louder as well. He cried so loud that he was sure he couldn't sing for the next weeks, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was how to get away from this voice. Someone knocked at the door. James realized that he still was screaming and stopped immediately. "James, are you OK? Please let me in. NOW!" It was Mattie. James had to let him in. He couldn't leave him outside. Although this voice had told him not to trust anyone of his mates, but this laughing drove him insane. Still crying he opened the door and felt so weak that he fell into Mattie's arms. The taller one looked really shocked "God, James! What's up?" James just couldn't answer. This laughter... He had to close his ears with his hands again. "Something with your ears?" James cried bitter tears and nodded. Mattie helped him back into his room and sat him on the bed. Sitting next to him he said, "Calm down, James. Please!" James whispered "I can't!...My ears!" and stood up again. Mattie pulled him back onto the bed "Please! If you don't tell me, I can't help you!" He hugged James and held him like a little child. James shook his head. He couldn't tell Matt! He couldn't talk to anyone. He felt so alone. Mattie sighed "Ok, one moment!" He leaned back and took the phone and dialled a number "Stef? Please come over to James's! It's really important!" James didn't notice anything except that voice. From far away he heard that someone entered the room and knew that it was Stef - because of the phone call. As he turned around, he saw his friend. She looked very worried and sat next to James on the bed "What's happened? Shh, calm down, everything's OK. I'm here!" When Mattie had left them alone, Stef asked, "What's wrong with your ears? Do you hear something?" As before he just could nod, this voice was too loud and cruel to say something. "Can you talk?" James shook his head and the tears ran down his face again. Stef hugged him tightly. "It's OK, James!" James didn't know if he could trust her. She was like all the others. Had to be! Stef would laugh if he told her. He still felt the affection but remembered the voice "It's so ridiculous that you thought Stef could be the one! YOU don't even love yourself, how could Stef?" Stef asked him "Is it a loud sound that you're hearing?" Again James nodded and Stef said, "We should call the doctor! Perhaps it's something serious!" James shook his head again, but she already had the phone in her hand. Neither he nor Stef understood one single word from the things the doctor said and so they had to call Richard who was able to talk better French. James had stopped crying but still wasn't able to say something. The doctor didn't find anything and said it had to be a sign of the stress of the promotion. Stef and Richard looked relieved but James didn't feel much better as he knew that it wasn't just a noise. He got some tablets for soothing. James took two and the voice escaped for a few minutes. Then it came back, but this time it was a whisper again and he could live with that. He had to live with it, as it had become a part of his life. |