Fan Fic
As You Are
Part 14 - Shouting Out
© Stef
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It was a wonderful day. The last day in Tokyo they only had a meet and greet in the afternoon and could sleep up till lunch - and that was what James had done. When he looked at the alarm clock next to his bed, he realized that he'd slept for 13 hours. THIRTEEN! That was something very unusual for a member of Busted during their promotion. He went into the bathroom and was looking for his grey boxers when he suddenly began to shiver. "Oh no!" he said to himself. That couldn't be true! He couldn't feel withdrawal symptoms after that short time. His whole body was shivering and he felt as if the bathroom was spinning around. He leant on the wall and closed his eyes for a while. When he sensed that his head was feeling a little better, he opened his eyes again. The room seemed so bright and he had to close his eyes immediately as it hurt them. Very slowly he made his way to the washbasin because he knew that his pills had to be there. When he reached it he felt for the tube and when he finally found it between all his stuff for his hair and skin he opened it so quickly that he almost let it fall to the ground.
Then he felt the pill in his mouth and cried. It was a horrible feeling to know that this thing controlled him. Now that everything was OK again, he remembered Charlie's words: "...you know how dangerous that can be when you take them every day. One day you'll be addicted! You couldn't survive without them anymore." Why was his life so damn hard? Everything could be great, and for the people who saw Busted it was: they were living their dream and could travel around the world. But nobody thought of the feeling of being alone and not finding a girlfriend as everybody just saw a member of the group. That was Ki's problem, but he could live with that and couldn't say that he hadn't enough dates. Mattie missed his family like hell, Charlie had lonely nights without his fianc�e and Stef... Stef always seemed to be the happy one. But he had the biggest pressure on his shoulder as everybody expected so much of him. And he was a family man. He needed his parents and brothers and sisters and he, James, who had had an awful past, now had an awful present because of the voice and the tablets. That was unfair because now the voice was gone again, he could be happy, but the tablets hindered him. But still none of the group would quit their jobs. They had their ups and downs but all in all they loved being in a boy band, although they were going through many crises. But there were also the wonderful moments on stage, and with the fans, and turning on the radio and hearing yourself, and seeing yourself topping the charts. James was still crying but the dizzy feeling had gone. He looked into the mirror and was horrified when he realized how right Stef had been the previous night: he looked like a junkie and needed help. He took his mobile out of the pocket of his jeans and dialled a number. After a second, he heard "Mr Bourne's house!" It was his dad, but the person he wanted to talk to now was his little sister. He just needed to hear her voice and perhaps that of Chris as well. That would help him to push his sorrows away for a while. "James here! Hi dad!" His father yawned and then James realized that it was in the middle of the night back home. He apologized. "Sorry, I forgot... so Mel is sleeping?" His father laughed. "James, will you ever learn? No, you're lucky, she came back from one of her friends' party. Wait a moment - but...do you have a problem?" James didn't want to tell his dad of all the things that had happened. At least, not on the phone! He said that everything was OK and waited for his little sister. "Hi James! I have good news for you!" He smiled at his sister's voice and knew that it had to do with the date a few weeks ago. So he asked her, "So you and Patrick�" Mel was very excited "Oh, James, he is so cute! He always brings me roses and says that he loves me! And he always wants to kiss me!" James laughed because he remembered how he'd been when he was fifteen. Then his sister said, "Be truthful to me. I can tell you aren't feeling good!" He was shocked because even Mel could hear in his voice that something was wrong. So he said, "You're right!" When he didn't go on, she asked him what it was and he sighed. She was too young! He couldn't tell her. And if he did, she'd tell their parents and he didn't want that. She begged him "Come on, James! Please! When you don't say anything I'm worried! I promise you that I won't tell anyone. I swear!" These words made him feel sick and he had to sit down on his bed. Then he took a deep breath and said, "I really have a problem! I need help. Professional help!" Mel asked quickly "Are you ill? God, please don't tell me that you're ill!" "I'm addicted! On tablets!" There was an awful silence until James heard her breathe in deeply. Then she said "To be honest, I can't imagine you... my strong brother..." He whispered, "I already told you that I'm not as strong as you think!" Mel sighed and answered, "Yes, you did!" Although she tried her best to act as if she was OK, he could hear that she was almost crying and he said, "Mel, don't make the same mistake I made my whole life! When you have to cry, cry! It's better for you! Don't pretend to be strong. I know that you aren't. Be yourself!" Then his little sister cried bitter tears and sobbed, "You...you can't...you don't deserve it! Everybody deserves it more than you do! Do you promise me something?" He asked "What?" and she said, "Promise me that you'll never stop fighting and that you'll go to a doctor NOW! Perhaps not in Tokyo but tomorrow or the day after in Peking!" James beamed. "You know my schedule better than I do myself!" She was satisfied. He could sense that through the telephone and he said, "I love you! Go to sleep now, I'm going to have my lunch. And give Chris a kiss from me - if he'll let a girl kiss him!" ******** When James entered the living room Stef and Mattie were shouting at each other once again. Stef shook her head. "I can't! I don't wanna lose him again and if James doesn't want to, I can't!" James had heard his name and asked nervously, "If I don't want to WHAT?" Mattie was obviously shocked to see him. "It's just...you didn't want to tell me... and I wanna know what the thing in the living-room had to do with what Stef did!" James looked at Stef who didn't seem to be very happy about the situation and he knew he'd already hurt her too much the last weeks. So he said simply "Yes, Mattie, you were right. I thought you'd beat her up! As I've been beaten up all my life. That's why I thought nobody would love me, that's why I heard this voice that told me that nobody liked me and that's why I took those tablets and THAT'S why I didn't trust Stef, and that's why Stef took the pills, to show me that she really loves me!" Stef was shocked, James could see that in her eyes and now James realized what he'd done. It somehow was like a slap in the face and he tumbled in the direction of the couch. Stef and Mattie ran over to help him. Then he started shivering. He had to look at the ground and take a deep breath. Stef whispered, "I'm so proud of you! Shh, calm down. It's over! You did it! I'm so proud of you!" When James looked up again, he noticed that Mattie was pale. He knelt down on the carpet and shook his head very slowly. Then he said in a deep voice "I'm so sorry for this argument! Oh God! I thought you'd be stronger than that!" James whispered back, "Everybody thinks that! I always thought you were acting, but in fact I'm the actor!" Charlie entered the room and stopped in his tracks. He asked anxiously, "What's up here?" James looked up and said "What do you wanna hear? That Stef almost killed herself or that I'm mad?" Stef glanced at him with love in her eyes and he couldn't understand what she was thinking. His friend said, "You're not mad! I already told you that Eric and Dick are the mad ones!" James nodded and hugged Stef tight. Charlie asked again what James had meant and so James decided to tell them everything. He wanted to fight so that this voice wouldn't have a chance anymore. "KI!" he shouted and when his friend was there, James started to tell them everything he'd told Stef and added some details, which he'd left out the first time. "And I'm afraid of so many things. You can't imagine that! Not only horses, but also of not being successful anymore and seeing their mocking faces when they said, 'So, where's your dream now?'... and eventually I'd like to tell you something you've all already noticed. Charlie, I'm sorry that I didn't trust you. Now it's too late!" Those words had been so hard for him to say that he had to take another pill and he felt the tears running down his face as he took the tube out of his pocket with a shivering hand but couldn't manage to open it. It was totally silent in the room and nobody dared to say anything. Mattie and Stef were crying as well and Stef finally helped him to open the tube. When he'd taken the little white monster, he felt his body relaxing and he could smile again. Charlie was the first to speak. "You need real help! To get away from it! Not only the pills but also your past!" James nodded "And I really WANT that help! And don't feel guilty about anything! When I told Stef everything, she immediately thought about how often she'd hurt me. Don't do that!" Ki looked at him. "Like that night in Dublin..." James nodded. "Yeah! Just forget it. Look into the future, not the past." ******** "Stef?" "Mmh?" "Still awake?" "Mmh!" "Do you love me?" When James asked that question, Stef opened her eyes and looked at him. They were in a hotel in Peking and relaxing because the last days in Tokyo had been very busy and their flight to Peking was very long, so they'd had a lot of stress. Now he felt Stef's warm lips on his and kissed her back. James didn't know how long they'd been lying there like that when Stef suddenly stopped. She looked at James and asked, "How many today?" James turned away and felt guilty. He'd promised his friend not to take more then three a day but it was impossible. Even after he'd taken the sixth, he could have taken more. Stef stroked his back. James closed his eyes. Then again he heard her say, "Please! I know it's hard!" James nodded and turned around again. "Six!" He could see the concerned face of Stef and whispered, "I do my best, but it's not easy! It's not against the voice, for that I'm lucky, but it's against me! I can't sing on stage when I'm shivering!" His friend looked out of the window and said with a shaking voice, " Don't make excuses! There was no show today!" James nodded again and took a deep breath. He just had a feeling that he could control himself a bit with them. When feelings, fears and business controlled the rest of his life he still had these little things. But then again he cried when he took them. They controlled him as well. Stef looked at him again. "You need a doctor and some rest! - Open your eyes!" James mumbled, "They are open!" His friend answered, "But I almost can't see the blue in them! You know what I mean?" That had hurt him. He didn't want to show it but as these tablets had made him very weak, he couldn't fight his feelings and he started crying like a little baby. Stef was shocked. "I didn't...James� Shh� that was too much...I just..." James nodded and let himself go. Somebody knocked on the door and James turned his face to the window because he didn't want that person see him like that. Stef whispered gently, "Sweetie, it's OK? I can say that we don't want to be disturbed..." James shook his head weakly and mumbled "No, it's alright!" Stef called, "Who's out there?" "It's me - Charlie! Can I come in?" James felt Stef glancing at him and nodded. Then he wiped away his tears, which wasn't easy. He stood up and walked into the bathroom to clean up his face. While he was looking into the mirror, he heard his friend opening the door. Charlie asked where James was because he wanted to talk to him and James washed away his tears. Then he saw the tube standing there. It seemed to whisper, "Hey, buddy, I help you!" "No, you don't!" James said those words out loud. It went on, "Come on, you know that I do! Think of all the last weeks. You need me!" James wanted to be strong and looked down. But this damn voice, which told him that everything would be better with them, didn't stop. He shook his head and said, "I have Stef, and I don't need you!" Then he became full of anger and said, "I don't want you! I don't need you! And stop whispering!" He opened the window and threw the bottle out. When he saw it hitting the ground and shattering into a thousand pieces, his body started to shiver again and he couldn't do anything against that anymore as the pills were lying on Peking's streets. The only thing he could do was to sit down on the floor and to wait until it ended. It seemed to last eternally and he was scared because it got so bad that he couldn't sit up anymore. He let himself sink onto the tiles and curled up like a little baby. As James realized that it wasn't stopping, he wanted to scream for help but the only thing that came out of his mouth was a hoarse whisper. He closed his eyes and begged that somebody would find him. "James� James! Are you awake? God, say something!" Charlie's voice brought him back to reality. He didn't know how long he'd been in that position on the ground. All he noticed was that he was still shivering. Charlie kneeled down behind him and James felt his mate's arms around his rib cage. Then Charlie pulled him up into a sitting position. The warmth of his friend's body eased his shivering a bit but it was still horrible. He closed his eyes and felt very weak, and heard Charlie shouting "Stef! James's got withdrawal symptoms! Help me, Stef!" Then everything went dark. When James opened his eyes again, he felt much better. It was warm around him and his body had relaxed. He was lying in his bed and Stef was curled up next to him. When he saw that her body was shaking softly, he realized that she was crying. James wanted to stop her pain because it hurt him to see the girl that he loved suffering so much. He turned his head towards her and whispered, "Shhh, why are you crying? Come into my arms!" He moved closer to Stef and pulled her nearer. Then he placed Stef's head on his chest and stroked her dark hair. The feeling of loving and caring flowed through his body and made him feel even warmer. The door to the bathroom opened and Charlie came in. "You're awake! I got the shock of my life!" James was speechless - and felt so helpless. Yes, he wanted to get rid of those monsters and yes, he wanted to do that as fast as possible but the consequences were that he got these attacks and he couldn't do anything about them. Charlie sat down on James's side of the bed and said, "I called Fletch! Sorry, but I had to! He was furious, but he said he'd send a specialist at once! Tomorrow the doctor will arrive!" James nodded and said, "That's the best thing to do!" ******** "James, this is Doctor Benton!" Richard introduced the tall man with dark, short hair and black glasses. He looked as if he was very competent and James liked him immediately although it was the person he'd have to tell everything to. They shook hands and James said in an unsure voice, "James Bourne!" The doctor smiled "Don't worry, I'm not gonna kill you! We discuss the things you want to and I won't force you to tell me anything else. May we talk somewhere in private?" James nodded and led him into his room. Stef was sitting at the window and staring outside. When she noticed that James had come in, she stood up and said "You must be the doctor!" and smiled at him. James could see in Stef's eyes that she was very happy that James had let somebody help him. Stef took James's hand and said, "Good luck! I'm in Ki's room if you need me!" When Stef closed the door, he knew that there was no way back. They sat down and James sighed. This was going to be difficult! He wasn't used to showing somebody his feelings and this time it was a stranger. "So, James. Do you want to tell me something or should I ask you questions? And you might call me Stewart. It's not easy to talk to a stranger, I know that. And if you wanna know something about me, you can ask. That's only fair!" James couldn't but smile. Stew seemed to understand him and he really wanted to know the person that he had to trust. He didn't know where to start. There were so many things on his mind. Then he thought of Stef and asked "So...are you married?" Stewart nodded "Yes, her name is Mary and she is 35. We have three children, aged 11, 8 and 3, two boys and one girl. And we live in Dublin." James nodded. It had to be hard for Doctor Benton to be away from home just to help a poor band member. "James, don't think I don't like being here! I see that you're frowning! My family is important to me but I need this job! And we need the time apart sometimes. But please could you sign a photo or something? My daughter is mad for you!" James smiled. "Is she your 11 year old?" Stewart shook his head. "Nope! She is eight!" James said, "Sure I will! That's sweet!" Stewart smiled and asked "So what about you? Any family?" The thought of a baby came back to his mind and he knew that he had been smiling. Then he said, "I have a girlfriend. It's Stef and I'd love to have babies but as Stef and me have only just got together, I don't dare to talk about it. I don't want to tell Stef because I don't know how she'd react!" James was surprised how easily the words came over his lips and he felt so much better than he'd imagined. When Stewart said "OK, that's all for now! You've already told me a lot and I thank you for your co-operation," James was surprised that they'd talked for an hour. Stef knocked on the door and asked if she could come in again. Stewart opened it and said, "Okay, we'll go on tomorrow!" ******** "Charlie, you're so stubborn! We have to hurry up and I don't wanna be late for that interview!" Ki shouted at his band mate and Charlie answered in a sharp tone "Sorry, but if you wanna die, do that! I'll take the stairs!" Mattie who was already stood in the lift said, "Come on guys! Move your arses!" James couldn't believe it: they all had been very exhausted the last days but now they even were arguing about taking the elevator or the stairs. Ki seemed to be in a rage. "You're not five years old anymore! God, Charlie, it's just a lift!" When James reached them, he said, "Charlie, if you want, I'll take the stairs with you!" In that moment, Ki and Mattie started shouting at him "JAMES!!!! We're taking the LIFT!" James could understand Charlie and defended him. "But you know that he's afraid of them! Just think about how you would feel!" Charlie placed his hand on James's shoulder and said, "Hey, it's OK!" Ki shouted back, "You're acting as if you were little children, both of you!" He wanted to add something when he suddenly stopped and turned around. "OK, take the stairs!" James was surprised and just shook his head. Then they made their way downstairs. James looked at Charlie who seemed to be acting strangely as well and wondered about the reason. Why were they so strange? It wasn't just because they were exhausted. Ki wasn't a person who gave in that quickly and Charlie normally told him what was on his mind. When they reached the second floor, James dared to ask, "What was that?" Charlie looked surprised and asked what he meant and James asked, "Ki..." Charlie shrugged and James took a deep breath. He didn't like it when they treated him like a child or a person who couldn't cope with the reality. "Charlie!" he said angrily, "I want you to tell me the truth!" His mate sighed and answered, "Okay, okay! It's just that we're a little afraid." When Charlie didn't continue, James asked "Afraid? Of what?" Charlie looked at the wall. James knew that he didn't want to look at him and knew that it was something regarding his past or his addiction, then Charlie said, "We think that...when we have an argument...that you might think of your past. - Or the voice might come back!" That was it! How could James convince them that they should treat him normally? He didn't want to be reminded of everything but he also wanted to live a normal life. James tried to explain that and Charlie nodded. "I'll speak to the others!" ******** James was hitting the roof. He'd told them so often that they should treat him normally. But what did they do? They stopped fighting when he was around, they did everything to take his stress away, they surprised him and acted as if he was a victim of a fatal illness or something. He had enough of that and shouted at Ki who'd been at it this time "Shit! I told you to treat me as an adult!" Ki looked at the wall and answered, "I know, James!" "So shout back at me! Tell me that I'm wrong! Tell me I'm a jerk!" He was so furious that he threw the glass he'd had in his hand at the wall so that it smashed. Ki looked at him and seemed to be shocked. "James!" James laughed hysterically. "You didn't think I'd do that? - You can't imagine what else I'd do! If you or anyone else in this band goes on treating me like that to protect me or whatever, I'll leave Busted!" Mattie and Stef who were watching them seemed to be shocked, and Stef made her way to James. She whispered, "Tell me that you're joking!" James shook his head and answered so that everybody heard him. "I'm still James Bourne, the guy you know! So don't act as if I've changed! Don't stop your fights when I'm around. I can cope with them, but I can't when you stop! People fight and I've lived long enough to know that and I also know that all of you do it a lot especially when you're exhausted or stressed. And I don't wanna be treated as the poor guy who had a bad past and a problem with tablets. If you can't handle that, I'll have to say goodbye!" Stef's eyes showed James that she was scared and hurt and she took his hand. He said to her, "That doesn't mean that it would be the end for us!" "But you'd be far away from me! I almost can't remember how a life without you is! I mean... We've been together almost our whole life. Tell me how I could go on just one day without you by my side! Could you live that easily without me?" James looked down. He knew that he couldn't, it was impossible. But he hoped that his mates would change their way of treating him. Mattie sighed. "Stef, Shh. James just wants to show us how much we're annoying him. What he said doesn't mean that he will actually leave us! It's just a threat and I think we can handle that." Everyone nodded and James was relieved. He just hoped that they'd keep their promise because his life with these four people was the best thing that could have happened to him. And he'd never felt so much love before towards the girl who had showed him that he was good as he was. |