Fan Fic
As You Are
Part 13 - When Whispers Become Loud Voices
© Stef
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Charlie smiled into the little mirror and his reflection showed James that he was happy. He knew that he'd talked to Georgina and he grinned at him. He still felt the anxiety of the previous night but as Charlie was a very sound sleeper he hadn't noticed anything and now he didn't want to tell him. The two lads stood in the elevator, on their way down to breakfast. James asked, "What's up with you? You're so happy ALTHOUGH we're in a lift?" Charlie nodded and said "I'm just...god, I'm so in love!" James frowned. That was a strange answer for Charlie, there was something more to come cause Georgina and him had been a couple for so many years now and it was already normal that they were together. There was no possibility that it could ever be different again. And it'd been a while since Charlie had been so happy after a telephone call. James looked at him and after a second Charlie sighed, "Help, you know me! But don't tell anyone..." James was anxious and moved a little closer. His mate beamed all over his face and said "I'm gonna marry my George. Next year. It's fixed now!" James felt so happy for him and hugged him. Perhaps this day wouldn't go as bad as he'd thought!
"Would you pass me the cornflakes, please?" Mattie asked James, giving him a concerned look. James nodded and handed them over. He didn't know how he should talk to Mattie after that incident. He and Mattie shared a table on their own. Charlie had sat down next to Ki when they had entered the room and Richard was sat on the other chair. James hadn't wanted to sit down all alone next to Mattie and thought he'd better leave him alone because of his mood. Richard had looked at James. His eyes said, "You're the one he trusts the most. I think it'd be good if you'd sit with him!" James hadn't wanted to, but he'd nodded and sat down on the other side of the room, on Mattie's table. Stef still was in bed. James had been sure that his friend would need that sleep because of her jetlag and had left him alone in his room. Now James was sitting there with the person he'd been afraid of just a few hours ago and felt stupid. How could he think so bad about Mattie? Sure, he'd said some things that weren't very nice but he was such a nice guy and wouldn't ever harm anyone. Not Matt! "James?" Matt asked and his voice shook. James nodded, he didn't look up as he was ashamed and afraid of what might happen. In the next moment he felt Mattie's hand on his own and noticed that it was cold. He had to be very nervous. After he'd breathed in deeply, he started again "James...I'm...to be honest: I'm concerned!" Then there was a moment of silence until Matt continued "I've never seen you like that before. I know they'd beaten you up a few months ago but...you seemed to be...it seemed as if it hadn't harmed you! I mean, last night...you really thought that I could...?" Now James had to look up cause Matt sounded very hurt. He saw the tears in his friend's eyes and sighed "No. Matt! Please!" He couldn't stand seeing him cry cause when Mattie cried, he had to feel EXTREMELY bad. He didn't cry often and now James knew that it was because of him, it made it even worse. Mattie turned his head away and whispered "Sorry!" James sat there stiffly and didn't know what to do. He answered "Mattie! Why are you crying? It's not your 0fault!" His friend turned around slowly again and the tears were still running down his face "So WHY? You were...you...God, I thought you...I saw in your eyes that you were scared! And not just a bit, you thought that I'd beat him to death! Why?" There were two voices in James's head. The first one whispered, "Tell him! That'd be the best for both of you!" and the other one answered "NO! He'd hurt you like your cousins!" And these two voices argued in his head. Mattie was looking at him and waited for an answer but James couldn't decide. He already started "God, Mattie! It's really..." when the other one convinced him to shut up again. When he was so confused that he couldn't say anything, Mattie started to plead, "If you tell me, I could help you! I'm sure it's something serious... and Stef seems to know..." James stood up. It was too much for him. He mumbled "Sorry, it's not your fault!" and rushed away to the elevator. He had to escape from this table and this conversation as soon as possible. From the corner of his eye he saw Charlie standing up and following him. James pushed the "Up" button and said to himself "Please, close the door! Please!" When his band mate finally reached the elevator, it closed at the last moment and James breathed out. He couldn't have that conversation with Charlie as well. When the elevator door opened again, Charlie stood in front of him - breathing heavily from his sprint up the stairs - and pulled James into his room. Then he closed the door and asked directly, "What did you do to Mattie? I've seen him crying, so tell me!" Charlie seemed to be angry and James felt even guiltier. These voices in his head were still arguing and there was this bad feeling, too. He looked down at the ground and Charlie said, "Look at me!" James did so and said "We just had a little argument, that's all!" As an answer, Charlie shook his head. "I've watched you. That was totally different. Please, James! Are you taking those pills again?" That was it! Charlie thought that Mattie had seen him taking them like Charlie had in the studio. James was angry now and somehow even felt hurt that Charlie thought that. When James didn't answer, Charlie considered that a yes and shouted "James! How can you? Jesus, you're killing yourself. How stupid are you? I've told you to stop. You're so stupid!" "James! Now even Charlie says that! And Charlie is always right! Stef has to be wrong!" a voice whispered. James was shocked. He had to sit down on the bed and just accepted the words he'd heard although he knew it wasn't the truth. He couldn't think. There it was again, his "dark side". Charlie paced to and fro in his room and shouted "James! You...you! How old are you? Don't you know that it's dangerous? You're... should I tell Stef?" "Tell her WHAT?" James was shocked. His friend stood at the door and looked at them both. Charlie turned around and looked from one to the other. James begged inside that he wouldn't tell Stef this lie. But he did. He said "Your silly friend wanted to kill himself with those soothing pills!" Stef looked at him, shocked, and asked, "James?" That was the proof for James that Stef didn't trust in him like all the others and that this voice had been right all the time. He just turned around on his bed and let himself fall on the mattress. Stef whispered to Charlie, "Let me talk to him!" One moment later they were alone. James looked out of the window and tried not to listen to the voice, which was telling him all those things again. When it started with, "And Stef is a great actor. She doesn't love you, she just tells you that and when she turns around, she jokes about it. That's how she's done it your whole life!" Stef walked around his bed and kneeled down in front of him so that James had to look at her. She said, "It's not true, is it!" James felt so hurt inside, he first decided to nod but then said, "Leave me alone! Go to your Charlie. You believe him, I know that!" Stef shook her head and stroked James's hair but James didn't want that and. turned away. Then Stef said with a shaking voice "Hey, I love you!" James sighed and realised once again that all his mates were amazing actors. And this time he wouldn't believe them when they'd say that it wasn't acted. So he just nodded again. Stef came over to the other side and sat down next to him. "Tell me the truth! You're hearing that voice again, aren't you? Is it because of yesterday?" James got angry. He wouldn't tell Stef anything. He'd already told her much too much and so he said with rage in his voice "Get off! I don't need these so-called friends! Leave me alone and don't dare to come in again!" Stef looked at him with knitted brows and begged, "JAMES! Don't listen to the voice! Listen to me! It's wrong! DON'T LISTEN! Please!" James shook his head. Now he had told her what he thought of her, she already seemed to know the rest. While she was talking, he felt the pain of not being loved by the one he loved more than everything in this world. "God, Stef! Stop acting! Tell me what you really think! Tell me! You're just too much of a coward to tell me how little you love me! You're a brilliant actor, but now I know your real face!" Stef had tears in her eyes and said, "It's just that voice that makes you think that! I love you more than my own life! Please! Don't listen!" James didn't want to listen anymore so he said with a hoarse voice, "The show's over! Leave me alone!" Slowly Stef stood up. She said, "I don't care what you say! We'll fight it! I won't leave you alone!" ******** "God, James! Where is your concentration?" Ki was shouting after a TV show where they'd performed 'I lay my love on you'. James had taken three soothing pills before the show, which he'd ordered at the reception that morning. Together with the heat of the studio it had been horrible. He'd almost felt as if he'd slept during the show cause he could hardly hold his eyes open. His eyelids seemed to be heavier than ever before and the steps of the song had never been so difficult for him. Ki looked very angry. "This show was important for us! Just because you and Stef have problems..." James stared at the ground and nodded. In his mind he told himself that there was no James and Stef anymore and felt like crying. But he noticed something strange. Now that he was all alone again, he couldn't cry anymore. He thought of a sentence from his grandma. "Only when you feel that you're really loved, can you cry! All the times you cry when you're alone, it's just water that comes out of your eyes, but when you're loved, your tears are like medicine to your heart!" So he'd have to have a broken and hurting heart until he'd die. How nice! Stef came over to him. "James! Please talk to me! Are you feeling OK?" Why did Stef always hurt him? He just nodded and she went on, "I love you, sweetie! I really do!" James shook his head and turned around again. ******* "Just five! That's not the whole tube!" James took those little tablets out of the tube. "And this is gonna be the last time. I'm not addicted. It's really the last time!" He felt this warm feeling inside and went on stage with a smile on his face. ******** James sat backstage with a guitar in his hand. The others were in the city going shopping before the show, but every time that he was thinking that his cousins were right, his soul needed something and that was music. But this song he was playing and singing wasn't heeling his pain. It just made it worse: Cold Heart (Jon Bon Jovi) You said you loved to watch me sleep you put your head down on my chest To hear me breathe Go on take my last breath away from me I don't want to live no more And cut my eyes so I can't see I can't see you looking back as you walk out the door... ...And then he felt so much pain inside that it was impossible for him to go on singing. Even the music was gone out of his heart and that was the worst thing that could happen. ******** James looked out of the window. He felt so empty inside. Stef really was stubborn, she'd played the concerned one for almost two weeks now. All night she slept in front of the door and all day she was near him, although he'd told her often enough to leave him in peace. The last night he hadn't slept at all. Stef had whispered all the time that James was loved and furthermore this voice was laughing again. So he'd ordered a new tube of soothing tablets at the reception. OK, he'd said that it had been the last one, but THIS was urgent and THIS TIME it REALLY was the last time. A few minutes ago he'd taken three of them. Suddenly he felt dizzy and knew that the tablets had done their job. He closed his eyes and thought of how nice it'd be if it was all a bad dream. Somebody knocked on his door and when he didn't answer that somebody knocked a second time. "Who is it?" he asked and Ki answered, "May I come in?" James mumbled a "Yeah" and Ki opened the door. James could see Stef lying there with tears in her eyes and sighed once again. Why did Stef have to be so cruel to him? If she'd be honest and would say that she didn't like him it would be so much easier. She really had to hate him or why was she hurting him that much? Ki sat down and asked after a moment of silence "James, are you on drugs or something? Your eyes...and the shows you did weren't the best..." James shook his head. He stood up and went to the toilet - slowly because of Ki. He vomited and returned directly. They shouldn't see that they'd done it. He felt like a wrack. James was surprised cause Stef was sat there as well looking at him with sad eyes. Again James felt like he'd die. He said, "Ki would you mind..." Stef looked at him. "James! Please!" James sighed, "I already know what you'll say!" Stef shook her head. "No! You don't! I'd do anything for you! My love for you is so strong! How could I proof that my love is true? I'd do it!" James felt that this voice wasn't that loud anymore. But it still was there and James turned around to take a new pill. Stef was faster. She took away the tube. James wasn't in the position to react fast because of the pills. Stef said "You're already soothed enough! I almost can't see your eyes! You're looking like a junkie!" James got angry. Was Stef there to tell him THAT? He said, "Now I know what you think of me!" Stef shook her head, opened the tube and said "So, if you don't think that I love you..." she held the test tube at her mouth, ("And the Oscar goes to" James said to himself) and took one tablet after another. When James remembered how many were still in there as it was a new one, he realized that it wasn't a game anymore. He screamed "Jesus, Stef! Stop it! You're killing yourself!" He went over and did the same thing that Charlie had done in the studio. He felt the tears coming up again and the strange feeling of caring and loving. Stef spat them out and let herself fall back into James's arms. She'd really taken a lot and was very weak immediately. James laid her down on his bed and whispered, "Stef! Stop joking! I love you� please stop joking. Open your eyes and tell me how many you've taken!" James felt something wet on his face and realized that it was the first time for two weeks that he had cried. Stef opened her eyes and mouth and whispered "Five!" James's heart beat faster. "That was much too much for you! Don't sleep, I'll fetch some water� no, I can't leave you here!" He saw Mattie standing in the living room and screamed "MATT! Fetch some water!" ******** James's head was aching like hell. It was from the mixture of soothing tablets and crying. Stef lay next to him and whispered "James! Stop crying!" But he couldn't. He felt so guilty again as it was because of him that Stef had done this stupid thing. Then he got the second shock: He really had to be addicted. Stef had taken the same quantity as he had before the show but for him it had been OK and for his friend it had almost killed her. He remembered the promise he'd given Stef and turned around. "Stef, I'm addicted!" When he realized that he'd said that, he felt a flood of tears coming up again and this time he could cry cause he knew deep down in his heart that he was loved. |