Fan Fic
As You Are
Part 12 - Friends And Pain
© Stef
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Ki jumped out of the limo onto the dirty streets of Tokyo. He turned around and smiled at James who was sitting by the window, looking outside. Normally he didn't like this town. It was too big and too dirty but today he just felt wonderful. They'd come directly from Birmingham where they'd done promotion for their new song "Rain of Roses", and their last holiday was just two weeks ago, so he still felt fresh. Stef was resting her head on his lap and sleeping. She always fought against the jet lag and this time she'd lost the battle once again. James softly stroked her hair and looked back at Ki.
Charlie smiled at him. "God, James. It's almost scary how good your mood is!" James just shrugged and grinned. "It's because it�s such a beautiful day!� The singer from Dublin shook his head. "Jesus, help me! This boy is totally crazy!" He'd shouted very loudly and Stef began to wake up. James looked at her and whispered "Good morning! We're at the hotel, hun!" Stef groaned and lifted her head. Matt had watched them all this time silently. James knew the reason: he missed his family like hell and this time he was aware of the fact that he wasn't going to see them for six weeks. It was impossible as their schedule was very full and Kerry couldn't fly with them all the time. For the two weeks in England she'd joined them but the long journey to Asia wasn't good for the baby. The weeks with the baby had been wonderful for the whole group. All of the four other band members felt very proud to be a godparent and Dani had seemed to enjoy the time with all the guys around. Mattie couldn't concentrate on his work and every free minute he'd spent with his daughter, and once again James had felt how wonderful a son or a daughter would be. Now it was impossible to talk to Mattie as he would shout or start to cry and James didn't want to risk that. So he just left him alone. They and their tour manager checked in. They had one suite for themselves and it was very comfortable. Each of them had their own room with a bathroom and they shared a huge living room with a bathroom as well. This time they had a long stay in Tokyo cause this town was so huge that they could do several sold-out concerts, TV shows, radio interviews and meet and greets. The fans in this town had to be satisfied after their stay, as this marvellous suite was their home for the next three weeks. James examined his own single room and just could let out an impressed "Wow!" It contained a bed, which was as large as a double bed, and he imagined how big THAT would be. When he let himself fall on the mattress he realised that it was a waterbed. From the room next to him he heard Ki ask "Who pays for this?" Charlie, who stood in the living room and looked through the window answered, "Don�t know! I think it's a TV channel who got the exclusive rights to make a report about our three weeks!" Ki sighed. "As long as they don't play Big Brother with us..." James looked outside the window in his room and saw one skyscraper next to the other. Charlie and Mattie, who already knew big towns as they came from the capital, liked the pulsating city life with all the theatres, clubs and bars. For James it was OK but he preferred smaller towns. Ki and Stef were the typical people from Finchley. They loved their hometown and the nature with the lake and the animals. Ki loved dogs and Stef was the biggest horse freak on earth. James himself liked animals but nothing more. When the other two had been out with the dog or a horse he'd been at home and had played his guitar or the piano - and had learnt to play several other instruments. Now he was able to play twelve and was quite proud of that. "JAMES!" This voice startled him as he'd been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't realised somebody was in his room and he turned around quickly. Stef stood in front of him with the schedule of the next few days in her hand. "Hey, I've seen here that we have a free evening on Thursday. Should we do something? What about a nice dinner in a restaurant? Just the two of us!" James beamed cause he liked the idea of having a real date with Stef. It would be their first one. Before, they'd seen each other at their houses, or just casually with or without the band, but a dinner in a restaurant was something couples did and that showed that they weren't just best friends. Stef looked at him and grinned, "So should I consider that a yes?" James nodded and hugged her tight. After they'd stood there for a long while Stef whispered, "You're my everything, sweetie!" James felt a shiver down his spine and pulled her even closer. When he looked at the door he saw a smiling Charlie. "Sorry that I have to disturb you, but the team from the TV channel is here and they wanna get to know us a bit before they start filming!" James answered, "Okay, we're coming!" ********* James looked around. Stef and he were in a nice restaurant near a little park, which was just a few minutes from the hotel. They sat in a dark corner and the only light came from two candles on their table. Stef looked so gorgeous in the yellow light. She wore a low cut black top with a deep red skirt. It matched perfectly with her dark blonde hair and amazing eyes. Over the table James still could smell her perfume. James himself didn't feel that greatly dressed. He wore a black shirt and a dark brown thin jacket. He even had forgotten which perfume he'd taken - it was a new one from Ralph Lauren or Hugo Deep Red. He'd been too nervous to remember those details and, anyway, now he didn't want to smell himself, only Stef. His friend wasn't joking as she normally was when they were together and the silence was wonderful. They just sat there and enjoyed the atmosphere and the look in Stef's eyes made James's feelings explode. Even when he closed his own eyes for a moment, he still felt the warmth those eyes gave him. When he risked a glance into them again, he couldn't look away. His friend raised her glass full of Bordeaux wine. James took his own one and waited for Stef's words. She whispered, "I love you!" James felt a little uneasy but he smiled at Stef and drank a bit of the expensive wine. Afterwards Stef placed her hand on James's and answered in a calm and unusually deep voice. "James, don't ever forget that I love you! I will be with you and we'll fight this damn voice! I won't let it destroy your life or our love. Never! And please tell me when something's depressing you. Be as truthful to me as I am to you." James tried to look down at the table because he felt overwhelmed by his feelings. Stef was the best friend he could have and, with her, he knew that he could make it. With her thumb, Stef lifted his head and came closer. The next thing James felt was Stef's lips on his wet cheek. She kissed away his tears and whispered, "Why didn't you show me before that you're so fragile? Why? I must have hurt you a hundred times before!" James carefully shook his head "No, not you! And I'm not sad, I'm happy!" Stef and James walked back to the hotel late that night and James shivered a little because in the park they were walking through weren't a lot of lampposts. Stef put her arm around him and pulled him close. Slowly they walked along the small path and talked about their childhood. James relaxed and slowly the bad feeling vanished. Once again he thanked God for giving him Stef. "Hey, James?" Stef suddenly asked and turned to him. "Since that evening in your house there is something..." James was surprised. He didn't know what Stef was about to tell him and when he quickly thought about that evening he couldn't think of anything. Stef cleared her throat and started, "When I looked into your eyes I'd...lost my control a bit. Did I scare you?" James sighed and didn't want to answer. So he just remained silent and was aware of the fact that that was a "Yes!" Stef turned away and James knew that he'd hurt her so he said, "It's not your fault, Stef! It's mine!" He moved to the other side of Stef to look into her eyes. The tears ran down her face as she answered "Sorry! I didn't... I really didn't..." Stef was so upset that she'd lost her voice. The words had come out hoarsely and while she was shaking her head, she tried to say something. When she realised that the words weren't coming out, she was even more upset. James nodded and whispered gently "Shhh, I know, I know, don't cry, Shhh" then he laid his warm fore finger on her lips. Stef's amazing hazel eyes were all he could see. Afterwards he replaced his fingers with his lips. ************ James glanced at his watch as Stef opened the door to the suite and was surprised that it was already half past one. The time just had flown by and they'd been in the park longer than he'd realized. When they entered the living room both of them were surprised because Mattie still was awake. He sat in front of the TV and was zapping through the Japanese channels. Because they could only see his back, James walked around the couch to see how he was feeling. Stef mouthed, "I'll leave you two alone a bit!" and James just nodded. When he saw Mattie's face, he felt like crying because the joker of the band was looking tired and sad. In a low voice James asked, "Mattie, is everything OK? Do you want to talk?" He knew that the tall guy always had to talk about his problems but he didn't like to talk to most people about it. But now he just shook his head. James was concerned because it had to be more serious than he'd expected. So he decided to try it a second time. "You know that I'm always there for you! Please tell me what's up!" Mattie looked at him. "No, thank you!" James sighed "Mattie!" "Shut up!" his mate answered edgily. The tone of Mattie's words hurt him but he wanted to help so he kept on trying, "I know that it isn't easy for you these days but hey, there will be better days! Just look forward to them!" Mattie stood up and looked angry "So, Mr Bourne, you know how I feel?" It was the same way they'd talked in front of the lift in Munich and James tried to comfort himself by thinking, "It's just because he's angry." He answered, "I can imagine it!" Mattie started shouting "Oh, you liar! You've got your girlfriend around, you haven't got a baby and wife at home that you're missing like hell!" Stef entered the room while James tried to calm Mattie down a bit by telling him that it was late. Matt shouted back, "I don't care how late it is! You just do that for your image! You play the nice one, my friend who is concerned, but all you can do is go out with her into an expensive restaurant while I'm sitting here dying to be with my family! You're so selfish. You being my best friend...pf! I tell you what you are! You are nothing! You're a wannabe!" James let himself sink on the sofa cause the words had hit him where it hurt the most. Mattie had said to him again all those nasty things that he'd said he hadn't meant in Munich. He felt so weak and small and then realised that Stef was starting to argue with Mattie. She kept calm and asked, "Why did you say that? You know that it isn't true. Don't you see that you're hurting him?" Matt answered loudly. "God, you're nothing better than him! Don't YOU see that I'M feeling bad? Just because I've said some words and it IS true! You both knew how I'm feeling but you're... God, you're a couple and I need my family!" Stef looked at James and continued, "But you haven't got the right to hurt him!" Mattie shouted "Poor little James..." That was too much for James. He stood up and looked at a point on the ground trying to concentrate on something else. Mattie had talked about him just like Eric. And now Stef was shouting, too "Take that back, you bastard!" She seemed to know what James felt. "No, he's a poor little child who can't defend himself!" James couldn't concentrate on that point on the floor. As answer to Mattie's words Stef looked at the lad from Dublin with rage in her eyes. "You're a fucking bastard! You don't know him! When I see you here I don't think that you're mature enough to be a father!" The next thing James saw was Mattie's fist in the air and it was on its way to Stef. He closed his eyes and begged, "Don't let this be true!" James felt pain and shivered all over his body. He saw Mattie beating Stef like he'd been beaten and started crying. First he'd just stood there, then he started to shout "Mattie stop it! Please.... Please don't hurt her! Don't beat her!" He couldn't think of anything else than how Stef had to be feeling right now and yelled, "Don't beat her! Don't hurt her!" over and over again. He was so loud that he couldn't hear anything else around him. Then Mattie came over to him and his hand was extremely near. James turned away and cried "No! No! Stop it! I beg you! Stop it!" He touched his shoulder and James knew what would follow. He'd been through that so often in the past years that he already could feel the pain although Mattie hadn't started yet. He let out a loud scream, then he saw Stef running towards him and shouting "JAMES! Calm down! It's OK! Mattie isn't like that! JAMES!!!" Now he was completely confused. There weren't any cuts or bruises on his friend's body. But he couldn't have dreamt that! It had been so realistic! And he felt so uptight. Stef continued "Shhh. Come here. Shhh!" He let himself fall into Stef's arms and started to shiver again. The next thing he realised was that Matt's look was concerned and then he knew what had happened: it had been like that night in Dublin, his imagination, and his past. Stef helped James into his room and laid him down on the waterbed. Mattie followed them and asked "James?" But he just didn't know what to do or say because he was so shocked. From the corner of his right eye he saw Mattie waving good night to Stef and forming some words with his mouth. He curled up like a baby and wanted to hide from the world out there. It couldn't be true! He'd seen it! Stef stroked his hair and lay down next to him. "Shhh! Everything's OK! Matt just lifted up his hand but he couldn't...you know that he couldn't?" That was a difficult question! Normally he couldn't imagine something like that but he'd even been a little afraid of Stef in Finchley and this time he'd thought Mattie would be like his cousins. He remembered his promise and whispered, "No, I don't! I...he was..." Stef kissed him on his cheek and laid her head down on James's arm. That felt good, it eased the situation. Then Stef said, "I know! He'd said some nasty things like Eric! But he couldn't ever do what they've done to you! He is your friend and you know it, don't you?" James nodded "Yeah!" They lay there in silence and just thought. Then Stef asked, "Don't you think they should know? So that they can't hurt you? They won't and you know that. They love you!" James felt panicked. He couldn't cause he didn't trust them as much as he trusted Stef and it wasn't the right time and the right place for that. He shook his head and curled up more. In this position he felt that nobody could beat him. Stef whispered, "It's OK, sweetie! I won't harm you! Should I go?" That was the last thing James wanted. He didn't want this safe feeling to escape so he looked into the hazel eyes and answered in a weak voice "Stay! When he closed his eyes to sleep he felt that something bad was about to come. So he snuggled up to Stef and begged that this day wasn't a sign for the things he was going to go through in the near future. He looked at Stef who was lying there with him and realised that it was the first time that they were this close. If this feeling weren�t there, he'd even feel happy. James kissed his friend's forehead and whispered "Baby, please stay with me, come what may! Don't give me up when all the others do." Stef opened her eyes again and smiled. "I know that you thought I was already asleep! But there's just one thing I have to tell you: you're the first person in my life I've ever loved and I promise you I won't ever give up the one I love!" With these words James felt better. He smiled and closed his eyes again. |