From the mind of the legendary Steven Wright:

• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
• If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
• Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
• Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
• Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Death to all fanatics!
• Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
• Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.