Scene Six

In one, against a black curtain we are behind enemy lines in China. The very formidable WAR LORD enters looking much like Warner Oland. He is dressed in ceremonial garb, and he is in a rotten mood. CHANG and WANG follow at his heels.
  WAR LORD Von Steiglitz dead! I cannot believe it.

CHANG

Pushed overbaord.

WANG

Drowned.

WAR LORD

That demon woman. I shall get her yet.

CHANG

But how, oh, master?

WAR LORD

There is only one person now.

WANG

And that is…?

WAR LORD

Johnny Glissando!

CHANG

The Americano?

WAR LORD

Americano?

CHANG

Oops, wrong movie. I mean Amelican.

WANG

But, master, what can Johnny Glissando do that the Baron von Steiglitz could not?

WAR LORD

He got you both off the ship, didn't he?

CHANG

Yes, oh, master, but that was just a ship…

WANG

…not Mandalay Molly.

WAR LORD

Johnny Glissando can do it. He is fearless, courageous, indomitable, redoubtable, invincible, unassailable…and he got a schwanz on him…! (The curtains part on a dark stage. A single spotlight illuminates JOHNNY GLISSANDO. He is 50% Gary Cooper, 30% Clark Gable, 10% Errol Flynn and 10% all the other macho heroes of films of the 30s. In other words, he's magnificent! He can also dance. He'd better dance, because this is the big ballet of the show. As the lights come up, we are on a bare stage with the backdrop representing the Chinese countryside. Downstage left is the tail end of a flimsy biplane. JOHNNY is smoking a cigarette. Before he knows it, he is attacked by an ENTIRE BAND of CHINESE GUERILLAS, a GORILLA and a BOA-CONSTRICTOR, all of whom he fights off with his fists, his feet and his ingenuity. The lights change and sunset comes. HE is still fighting. Then night falls. GIRLS emerge---girls of all nationalities. HE makes love to each and every one of them. Then the GUERILLAS, the GORILLA and the BOA-CONSTRICTOR strike again. HE fights them off, still making love. Morning dawns. As the ballet ends, HE is in the same position as when he began, casually smoking another cigarette. Onto the stage comes his sidekick, SAMOAN SAM, a chunky little Polynesian.) SAM Boss must be tired.

JOHNNY

Nope.

SAM

Bossman do a lot of fighting and loving.

JOHNNY

Yup.

SAM

Bossman don't say much.

JOHNNY

Nope.

SAM

Bossman fight off guerillas but have hard time with whole sentences. (WAR LORD marches on, followed by CHANG and WANG.) WAR LORD Johnny Glissando.

JOHNNY

Yup.

WAR LORD

You fly Chang and Wang home. You part of my team.

JOHNNY

I ain't part o' no one's team. I'm an American.

WAR LORD

Yeah? That changes in about twenty years. Now listen carefully. On that same ship is Mandalay Molly. She arrives in Manila tomorrow. She is to be met by a seaplane. The seaplane is to fly her ten miles off the coast of Canton. You will fly to Manila, bop the pilot over the noggin and take his place. You got that?

JOHNNY

Yup.

WAR LORD

She is carrying important documents in an alligator briefcase. They must not fall into the hands of the enemy.

JOHNNY

Thought you wuz the enemy.

WAR LORD

The other enemy, you dummy! I will pay sixteen million yen.

JOHNNY

Fourteen dollars?

WAR LORD

I'm a poor man.

JOHNNY

Make it simoleans like last time---and it's a deal.

WAR LORD

You're bleeding me white.

JOHNNY

A thousand smackeroonies…

WAR LORD

It's my mother's birthday,

JOHNNY

…for me. Five hundred for Sam here. Otherwise, no tickee, no laundry.

WAR LORD

After job is done.

JOHNNY

Now.

WAR LORD

Now?

JOHNNY

Now. (WAR LORD reluctantly pulls out a bag of money. JOHNNY counts it, then places it in a pouch around his neck.) WAR LORD And you Americans are supposed to be naïve.

JOHNNY

All set.

WAR LORD

There must be no slip up. The documents must be in my possession. And Mandalay Molly, that demon woman, must never reach the Chinese coast alive.

JOHNNY

Gotcha.

WAR LORD

Here is your plane.

JOHNNY

That's a different one than what I flew before.

WAR LORD

Had to trade other one in. You see how you bleeding me white.
                                                        (As JOHNNY heads for the plane, followed by SAM.)
Buddha go with you.

JOHNNY

Sam's enough of a load. Come on, buddy.

SAM

Comin', bossman. (JOHNNY gets into the cockpit; SAM retreats offstage to rev up the propeller.) CHANG                                                          (glancing at the plane)
No, master!

WAR LORD

You say no to me?

CHANG

No, no. I say no to him.
                                          Oh, Mister Wang!

WANG

                                          Yes, Mister Chang?

CHANG

                               I no like the looks of that plane over there.

WANG

Oh, Mister Chang!

CHANG

Yes, Mister Wang?

WANG

How can you get a thing like that up in the air?

CHANG

You can get it up all right
And on it's way.
You can get it up all right
But it won't stay.

CHANG & WANG The wings are flimsy
And the tires are flat,
You can't send a kid up
In a crate like that.

The engine sputters
And the pistons miss---
You can't send a kid up
In a crate like this.

It may not seem to matter much
But it will matter more
If you should see them splatter much
Along the Chinese shore.

The cockpit should be
Where those holes are at;
You can't send a kid up
In a crate like that.
Oh, no!
You can't send a kid up
In a crate like that.
 

(WAR LORD ignores them as we see the tail of the plane begin to move and SAM hop into the cockpit behind Johnny's. As CHANG and WANG sing the second chorus, a tiny replica of the plane flies high across the stage with little models of Johnny and Sam.)
  CHANG & WANG The gas tank's leaking
And there's too much weight---
You can't send a kid up
In a canvas crate.

The rudder's rotting
And the joystick sticks---
They're both insane,
They must be lunatics!

They're up, but soon they'll scoot right down---
It isn't very cute
To try to parachute right down
Without a parachute.

To fly that thing
Requires an acrobat,
You can't send a kid up
In a crate like that.
Oh, no!
You can't send a kid up
In a crate like that!

                                                                    (The miniature plane careens dizzily above their heads.)
 
 

BLACKOUT