To Tricia Why do I long for you with every fibre of my being even a chance glance rises a response my heart speeds up my eyes follow your stately pace across the floor and I dream of you such dreams oh well I am old set in my ways and dreams fly into my psyche I know I love you but my hands are tied by circumstances beyond my control or are they really beyond my control am I just creating barriers through my own lack of faith in myself thinking I'm not worthy of you my secret love if you only knew but how could you I write without saying anything that's in my heart only once did I say something about my feelings in a off hand sort of way when at schools false weddings were being performed I don't know if you thought I was serious but you looked at me and said in a strange voice that you didn't want to marry me it did hurt a bit but I really don't know if I was serious then now I know that I love you deeply you are my dream with your talent for music with your love for sneaky surprises that you pulled on your boyfriends like those roses given during a psychology class at school I remember the way your eyes shined with pure merriment for some reason I never mentioned this to you Tricia perhaps I knew it was impossible for us to get together but we have worked together when I picked you to write the music for Donna's song I recognized in you an ability to put yourself in your music much like I put myself in my poems I'm happy with Donna and I love her very much but I love you in a similar way I've struggled to keep these feelings secret from you although I almost blew it once when at my graduation party I reacted with some heat when I saw you I want to see you in your bikini as we agreed to I want to take those pictures of you but what if I couldn't control my desire for you would that end a very special friendship that I have for you what if I asked you if you loved me and you said no the effects might lead nowhere or it might end our friendship so I keep silent wanting to talk to you and yet half afraid that I might say what's hidden in my heart that's why I don't call or perhaps the chief reason I don't call but I love you deep inside of my soul I know I can't deny it or even keep it hidden if you ever see this Tricia remember one thing you have been a good friend no matter what happens and I thank you for that much Paul Vernon Deffendall May 25, 1997 RETURN TO TRICIA IN FADED GLORY
