Legacy: August 18, 1999

The river of time
on which I float
carries me ever forward
through the many rapids
I’ve faced turbulent waters
of dizzying feelings
like being totally confused
by my existence taking
no pleasure whatever
in anything I did or say
not even sure why
I was still alive but
knowing that I’ll never
give up give in to my
own inner darkness
no even that defeat
I refuse to allow

I wonder though why
I even bother sometimes
so much pain so much
inner turmoil that I’m
not sure which way is out
or even if I want to go
the darkness is so seductive
come in no one can find you
give in to the lethargy

depression
it’s both ways
an active desire for the end
and an excuse not to care
about anything or anybody
just lock me up
and throw away the keys
who cares anyway

the true expression of feelings
for these are but shadows
remain safely locked in
the abyss set aside for them
too personal to reveal and
much too secretive for
others to share with me
madness is best left
inside the soul well
locked up forever

I have enough with life
to keep me occupied
the future starts now
and I have things to do
places to see 
people to meet
and a whole world
to make better when I can

I need to move ahead and
not hide in the shadows
of my own imagination
captive to my own monsters
lurking in the darkness
these are worse than anything
else in the real world
monsters of my own making
are harder to defeat
mostly because like it
or not these include parts
of me that I don’t even
want to admit exists

I guess I got to know
myself better during
the long depression than
I’m really comfortable with

but what brought me back
from the very edge
of the abyss of darkness
I don’t know if I ever
will know for sure

was it my own stubbornness
not to bow down to that
ultimate defeat something
that I refuse to acknowledge
because it’s the easy way out
and I fought for survival
from the first seconds of my life

was it a higher power
God or some other spirit
that reached down and sheltered
my soul from the madness
threatening to devour me
knowing that if I fall
whatever good I’ll do with
the rest of my life
would be lost forever

was it the love of my
lady Donna whose image
appeared to me like some
beacon guiding me forward
comforting me in my loneliness
even though we are miles apart
I swear I felt her presence
inside my very soul
whispering words of encouragement
strengthening my force of resistance
I felt her hands in mine
a soft gentle touch
reassuring me in the darkness
of my own salvation

or was it a combination
of these elements uniting
into one awesome force
a safety net of immense power
blocking the terrible abyss
that waited to claim me
the monsters of my own making
that’s hard to defeat because
they are created from parts
of my soul that I refuse
to acknowledge as myself

oh yes this is too private
for any more revelations

things left me worn out
feeling helpless and hopeless
but whatever power rescued me
also restored my fighting spirit
never to give in but knowing
that time will answer my problems
if only I’m patient enough to wait
and keep from worrying
after all most things are really
beyond my control but
they are in God’s hands
what will be-- will be
if it’s meant to be but sometimes
I need to fight to get it
with wisdom to know what
I can change and what I cannot change

a doorway opened for me
providing two separate goals
and a way to find their resolutions
in the form of an old friend
who is a muse of pure music
whose world is filled of sound
that matches my world of poetry

I can sense her universe
but not well enough to
translate it into this mundane world
the way that Tricia can do it
with an ease that fascinates me
and almost with a desire
to be more than friends with her
but it’s not meant to be

she opened a doorway
to enable me to change
the world at least in a
small yet significant way

and catch a glimpse
or a handhold to a 
very interesting future
that of being a teacher
guiding the young in
their personal quest of knowledge

more important I think
is encouraging these children
in the pursuit of their lives
encouraging them to realize
that the future is theirs and
nothing can truly stop them
if they believe in themselves
the impossible is possible
but only if they work to
reach whatever goals
they set for themselves and
with the knowledge that
they will fail sometimes
but even then they have won
for even failure brings knowledge

in this way I can change
the world my own impossible
goal in my life that I’ve
both succeeded in and failed

the second goal is more personal
to win my lady Donna
body heart and soul
to show in a significant way
and a special way just how
much I am in love with her

perhaps I don’t have to
I know Donna loves me
but I needed a birthday gift for her
this year one which
money can’t buy
something that only I
could give her
so I turned inward with
a lover’s soul finding
the light dwelling in me
light inspired by
Donna’s special love for me
and I knew the answer
knew just impossible
such a gift would be to
give birth in the world
yet determined to find a
way no matter what

the answer walked up to me
in a Pizza Hut restaurant
someone I hadn’t seen in a
very long time it seemed to me
a good friend by name of Tricia
who walks in a world of music

later the gift formed into
a possibility one that might
be achievable given the
right circumstances and
Tricia’s willingness to a
Herculean task in her life
already filled with her business
her loves her concerns

I could but ask and hope
that she’ll agree to write
the music for five songs
in which I would write the lyrics
we worked together once
before on a single song
but both our lives has
become busier has we
face our separate future
and such a task might be
beyond our combine talents

Tricia agreed and I struggled
with the darkness surrounding
me to write words for songs
testing myself as never before
to find a way back to the light
that inspired my art
instead of the darkness which
I can write through but only
dark dismal writings suitable
only for the hopelessly damned

what hope I saved opened
the way blooming into
the stillness of eternity
a fragile blossom well
protected by the love
flowing through my being

the idea reformed over time
suggesting a better way
to live to lighten up
our otherwise dismal existence
hers of stay at home not
seeing the warmth of new experiences
and mine of staying busy so I
can forget for a while
just how lonely I am
until I decided to open
up my soul fully and give
in these songs the true gift
of my creative being by
doing an act that would
raise the gift to a new level and more
of a gamble as I leave
myself open and vulnerable
for a few hours or so
letting Donna see inside
as I never let anybody do before
I know it’s worth it
for I love her
 
I’ll never know just how
I made it to this point
how I focused my power
or just what the cost
will be to my spirit as
I give myself to
raise the poems to the
ultimate level of life

so now I take up my voyage
down the river I call time
knowing nothing of the course
my life will take me on
yet knowing that I’ll finish
whatever mission I have to do
with God as my co-pilot
and good friends lending
their help whenever needed
but the true strength is in me
as I learn from everything
that happens to me
there’s no promise
of smooth sailing or even
clear skies but I’ll survive
this voyage on the
river I call time

Paul Vernon Deffendall
August 18, 1999

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