In memory of Melody Elaine Smith
July 11, 1961 - April 30, 1996
may she rest in peace
graveyard silent
a Celtic cross poises
in the midst of the
fields of innocents
some days the cross cries
with dew drops but
in the sunset
and the racing rays
of fading light
the drops reminds me
of tears of blood
silently dripping
from who knows where
especially at dusk
one can see
an image form
from the Celtic cross
a young lady
a masculine man
or some being of
indiscriminate sex
and an unguessable age
I don't know
or can even guess
as I sit nearby
just out of sight
to honor an
old girlfriend
who died young
thinking of my feelings
that long laid
dorment in my soul
an image a vision
I'm not exactly sure
in this sanctuary
of eternal rest
that seems to
belong in another
universe not of sorrows
but of extreme ecstacy
storybook drawings
of what paradise
looks like dances
in front of my eyes
strange I think
I never done this before
as my thoughts blend
with reality and a
vision appears so real
to me that I blink
several times to
make sure I'm not
hallucinating
no it's real including
the background
strumming of a harp
not until then do
I notice the strange
figure standing at
a newly dug grave
I noticed it earlier
just has I arrived
a polished marble
tombstone reflecting
the dying sun
a single ray illuminating
the dates of birth and death
It's a baby's plot
surrounded by others
and statues of baby
angels and little lambs
all the trapings of a
nursery that one
expects to view
only it's strangely
out of place here
a soul newly formed
to spend a lifetime
of joys and hardships
cut down too soon
now the figures sighs
over the tiny grave
and from it's back
wings sprout until
I realze that
she's an angel
perhaps the caretaker
of the tiny ones
I shouldn't be here
I'm contaminating
this holy sight by
my very pressence
too old to locked
up in my own sorrows
in my own knowledge
of my inner nature
perhaps even locked up
in my knowledge that
I could have done
something different
I don't know what
yet I find myself
glued to the spot
when I try to leave
and I sense for a
moment the angel's
tender eyes on me
tender and sad
as if she failed
in one of her tasks
but then the feeling
melted away as she
looked somewhere else
and my own puzzled
glance followed hers
she spred her wings
to the cool breeze
wearing a halo
shining bright above her head
she holds her arms out
as if to receive some
gift from above and a
smile plays across
her face and eyes
that defie all description
twinkle in the star light
slowly a nimbus of
pure energy drifts up
from the freshly dug grave
gaining solidity as it
approaches her arms
a special burden
that she's been given
to care for eternity
as a tiny infant
at last lies in her
embrace with happy
cooing and gurgling
the little girl
that died young
with this miracle
I find myself once
again conjuring up
images of the happiness
I once knew so long ago
a vision a ghostly time
that calls me back
to a more innocent
time in my life
before I grew cold
and uncaring about love
when all I needed
for true happiness
was a single touch
from my girlfriend
and a single glance
from her love filled eyes
we were young and innocent
only she never stopped
believing in the goodness
of mankind and the
realities of miracles
showing up every day
me I turned to wonder
the darker side of my soul
living only to see the
worst of people and the
worst of the world
convincing myself
that nothing deserved
to be saved or worshipped
what happened
to change me so
I'll never know
so she left my side
who cared
what's love anyway
but some false emotion
or so I thought
at that time of my life
a night time made
worse because it's
of my own doing
because I made the
sacrifice that lead
to this time and
to the cemetary
of broken promises
of broken hopes
I find myself wishing
that I could see her
one last time to heal
the one last mistake
that I made in my life
not that I deserve
to be treated differently
I got what I deserved
she's with the angels
and I walk alone
with only my memories
and thoughts about
what might have been
I glance at the angel
lovingly kissing the
baby girl and her eyes
sparkling with all the
colors known to men
and with colors unknown
except to the angels
I notice that those eyes
rest on me with understanding
and a reflection
of my pain
radiates from them
a look I've seen
too many times before
on my own face in the mirror
a look a little child
wears when mommy's gone
and he or she has to
face the world alone
for the very first time
totally lost looking for
some kind of support
not knowing who to trust
in this strange new world
I never thought I'll
ever see such a look
on an angel's face
she sighs carrying
the baby in her arms
gently rocking her
back and forth
her voice easily
merging with the
harp in the background
pure music without
mankind's imperfections
carrying the mystical flow
a touch of paradise
in this sanctuary
of innocent souls
like the baby girl's
like my old girlfriend's
how I wish now that
I could turn back
the clock and see
her alive if only
for a millisecond
and hear her voice
calling my name
once more
I wonder why once again
she was taken so young
her life still laid
ahead of her
and I wonder why
I'm allowed to live
after all the many
years that I sought
passive suicide
maybe it's true
that only the good
dies young
I find myself crying
knowing that some believe
that a man shouldn't cry
but why should I care
about what others think
I never have before
and a man should be
allowed to cry
if only to ease
a broken heart
for a little while
soft footprints behind me
so soft I'm not sure
just when I noticed them
or the angel smiling
directly at me
as if she approves
of my crying
I don't know
this night and
its surprises has
carried me beyond
to some other realm
where anything
can happen and the
world outside the
cemetery seems to
be a part of another
universe although
there's nothing seperating
it from this reality
my thoughts belong
to the past for now
as I watch her grave
earlier I talked to
her to this spot that
is the only reminder
that she lived and
now sleeps forever
alone with no company
except for the
occassional visits
from her family
now I'm here on
this anniversary of
my lady's death
the angel of my morning
do you ever forget
the first person you love
a soft touch on
my shoulder startles me
back into the present
at first I'm confused
not knowing st first
when or even why
I was conscious of
the soft footsteps
but not in the way
that intruded in
my private musings
it takes me a while
to realize that only
the wall stands behind
no one entered from
the front although
I'm not sure of
anything this night
a fleeting memory
of a long lost time
from a different era
when hope flourished
inside my being
long before I grew cold
just seventeen
a tentative touch
on my shoulder
soothing a building
rage from deep
inside a tormented soul
from a girl
I barely knew
yet she sensed
my need
and knew somehow
to respect my privacy
but I looked
almost against
my will
and seen her
concerned look
shining in her eyes
past visions
when will they
stop haunting me
in the daytime light
where I no longer dwell
I'm a creature
of the shadows now
the morning's long gone
and twilight is here
visions
even from
the scent she bore
of freshness
and the start
of a new day
after a terrible night
full of storms
of doubts and uncertainties
aagain a soft touch
lights on my shoulders
more demanding
the pain flares
inside my heart
I find myself
turning around
against my will
to be met by
a quizzical look
from a pair of
spectacular eyes
glorious red hair
shining in the
pale moon light
everything as
I remember from
my dreams
I turn my back
quickly avoiding
meeting the angel's
eyes as I quickly
get up and take off
walking fast and
trying not to think
until I hear my name
I stop not knowing
just what to do
pain racking my heart
and tears streaming
down my face
I feel her look
resting on my back
just patiently waiting
for my next move
I stood there
in the road
a few feet away
from the car
in a moment that
lasts forever
yet at the same time
no time passes
in the mundane world
before I sigh
and say that
it's nice to see her
she waits
for my next move
the angel appears
in front of me
holding the baby
and I give her
a weak smile
in a low whisper
I ask hesitantly
can I have this dance
a low laugh
greets me I
never danced with
her even though
I knew she wanted to
a little boy lost
a grown man
holding his breath
soft footsteps
behind me as I
turn around
to face an
impossible dream
turn into reality
silently
I look at her
with all my love
showing in my gaze
not knowing or
even caring
as I take her again
into my loving arms
we dance alone
in the moonlight
not saying a word
I didn't care about
anything but her
then the angel
joins us in the
celebration of renewal
I feel as one reborn
new to this world
and the breath
of freshness blows
into my soul
we talk quietly
long into the night
sitting on the hood
of my grey chevy
about the past
and what happened
as heavenly music
hums in the background
I found forgiveness
in the long talk
in the cemetery
just before dawn
she whispers that
she has to go
but she'll always
be with me
I walk her back
to her grave
wishing her a peaceful rest
as I watch her
fade from view
I turn to go
whistling
Yesterday.
Paul Vernon Deffendall
March 21, 2001
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