| Ah! You there, I need to tell you of the most glorious summer I have just experienc-ed! Many a-days at the park spent with my dear chimp-friend Bonzo and causing George to fetch us trinkets and doo-dads like my glass scuffler and retain-ing bolts from the closets in the back of my estate. On one of the great bright days of this summer I went to a carnival and attempted to pawn George off to a farmer in the cow-milking exhibit. He would have none of it (the farmer, not George)! So George is still in my "employ-ment" and I am still miserable because of this. But moves are being made, gears in motion and soon I will be rid of this nincumpoop menace known as George! And oh yes, I made a million dollars at the splendid horse track in Saratoga. Huzzah for Johnson! |
| A Splendid Summer! |
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| My New Money is Worthless! |
| Blast those Ottomans! Blast them all to Hades! It was on the coat-tails of Lucifer himself that those dirty Easterners came to me this Spring past with a diobolical plan to rob me of my riches. They told me that if I paid them a substantial sum that they would print a number of bills with my like-ness emblazened across the top like a tattoo on a sailor's chest! So I did, and they supplied with over $ 1 million in Johnson notes! Oh how naive I was! I tried to buy a train yard and a movie theatre only to be embarrassed with the fact that MY MONEY IS WORTHLESS! Oh the humanity! Luckily for me, the Pinkertons owe me a favour since I funded them with money for an Aero-plane fleet. me thinks you will read of a Pinkerton force attacking the Ottoman Empire soon enough. |
| The Future is Bleak and Horrible! |
| I often enjoy checking on my investments. Recently I went to the University seat in the small harbor ville of Os-wego to check that my trust money has gone to good use. I entered a new building erected there called Park hall which was dedicated by the late, great governor of this state and my good friend Franklin D. Roosevelt, or "Frankie" as I called him. The heavens must be looking the other way on this building because it holds the most in-humane machines and weapons ever conceived! I cannot describe the hideous objects that they create in that lab in the words that the American language provides. Doors made entirely of glass, concentrated light-energy eminating from "flourescent" lighting. I believe to have received a burning rash on my hands because of them! I would not be surprised to hear the sounds of evil ro-bot men clanging their metal claws around the laboratories trying to escape and destroy the entire cam-pus. I say let them, those ignorant stu-dents that care not that such vile contraptions are being built right under-neath their noses deserve to die! If this is what the future looks like, I suggest to take up arms and head for the hills! |
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