Authors Notes, Disclaimer and Intro
 
 

PART ONE -- Warm Tears, Cool Tears
 
 

Her tongue felt furry and her mouth sticky.  Slowly, the prickling sensation dissolved and feeling returned to her fingers.  She clenched her fist and tried to move her body in vain.  She felt cold.  The draft whipped across her bare body.  Ripped clothes and jeans down to her ankles.  Blood singeing her thighs.  Blood and semen.

"Help.." She croaked.  Her voice?  It couldn't be.  What happened?  Was it a dream?  Faces just pictures, not people?

Please not people.. Please not real..

Eyes clouded in tears, cheeks puffy and don't feel real.  She doesn't feel real.  None of this can be real.  Her body rakes with hiccups of sobs.  And then she stops, and for hours nothing.

Not a tear, not a sob.

Surely morning soon?

Footsteps.  A voice?  Anguish?  Her name echoing through the trees? Can't be them, please not them..

Then she felt two strong arms wrap around her. /familar scent/

"Buffy.." He shook her.  He rolled her towards him.  "Buffy."

/Angel/

When her sea green eyes met his, he knew she was alive.  Gratefully, he let out a breath of relief and several teardrops which he roughly wiped away with the back of his sleeve.

"What happened?" He asks her.  Please not what I think..  She stared into his eyes blankly.  He studied all of her, pulling her closer to his chest.  Her clothes ripped and dirty.  He gathers her up and prepares to lift her.  Then a sticky substance rubs off on his hand.  /Zipper undone./  He looks at Buffy quickly, broken and blank, and then his hand.

"No Buffy, no," he begs, biting his lip.  "Please God no.." He begs, gathering her up and lifting her.  He runs through ten minutes of the inner forrest before reaching the edge and his car swerve parked on the side.  He carries Buffy to his car's front seat.  Angel gets in the drivers side and pulls her closer to him as he drives off, bunching her up protectively in his arms as he spins the wheel.

When they reach the mansion, Angel quickly brought her inside.  He pulled the dust sheet off of his bed and lay her gently down on it.  She hadn't said anything since he found her.

He went into the bathroom and turned on both taps, squirting some bath foam in, left there since he had last been there.  He went back, minus his duster, and scooped her up again, carrying her to the bathroom.  As soon as she entered the familar scent hit her /strawberry/.

Angel always liked strawberry bubble bath.  It was what Buffy used to use.  He could smell it of her long after.  Fruity tang mixed with her perfume.  He still used strawberry gel in the shower.  The smell bringing back memories of all that was remotely good about his existence.

Propping her up on the closed toilet seat, he eased her trainers off, placing them to one side.  Her socks next, and then her denim jacket.  The strawberry scent became stronger as the water rose and he remembered a simple poignant moment from their early relationship.

/"We've got to stop meeting like this," Buffy grinned, walking towards Angel who was leaning against a grave stone.

"I just had to check you weren't off trying to be an 18th century girl again," Angel faux sighed as she approached.

"Can we please forget about last nights events?  I'm embarrassed enough."

"As much as I didn't like the girls back then," Angel smiled, leaning into Buffy, as she stood ebfore him, arms helpessly behind her back and a grin the size of the Texas state line affixed on her face.  "You looked beautiful in that dress."

"Really?" Buffy fished for more compliments.

"Yes, really.  The hair.. I wasn't so sure about," Angel chuckled, inhaling her scent from her hair as they drifted closer together.  Buffy let a moan escape her lips.  They were hardly touching, not even hugging.  Just leaning into each other.  He was nuzzled in her hair and Buffy felt like she could control herself.  'Love makes you do the wacky' she remembered.

"So you like your women blonde do ya?" Buffy teased as Angel pulled back to look in her eyes.  He shook and cocked his head.

"I like them exactly like you.  It's just they never had crimping irons back then."

Buffy laughed a little as he continued to study her being, like a painting.

"Well I really liked your change from black to black last night.  Very.. Innovative," Buffy commented.

"Like your men innovative?" He teased back.  Angel loved this.  The little things.  Little conversations and innocent moments that meant everything to him.  Where he could act like some goofy kid in love.  Where everything was simple.  And possible.  But with Buffy everything seemed possible.  Even regaining his own innocence -- if only for a few moments.

"No," she said thoughtfully.  "I like them exactly like you."

They smiled at each other before sealing the jovial moment with a gentle kiss.  Angel moved his hand into her hair /strawberry/ and kissed her deeply.  Buffy arched her back and wondered if she and Angel could be entered into Best Kiss '97.  Not any specific one, probably the last one they shared would be the best.  That is, until the next.

"Accept no substitute," Buffy murmured, pressing her lips against his again/

Angel swallowed hard as he was forced to removed her torn shirt.  He did it so delicately, as the blood joined Buffy's skin and the material.  It stung for a second as it became undone.  Angel squirmed everytime he was forced to inflict a little pain on her to get that damn shirt off.  Once it was off, and he was presented with her bra, he felt he was now presented with a bigger problem and source of anxiety.

He concentrated on removing the tattered and dirtied remains of her pants.  Slipping them off with relative ease.  Angel nearly cried when he saw the dried blood on her thighs and then more of the white sticky substance.  He bit his lip and rubbed away the tears.

"Buffy.. I need.." Angel refered to her underwear.  Her head rolled up and looked at him almost blankly.  The only nugget of an emotion was consent.  All Access Angel, she had joked on Their Day back after Thanksgiving.  He swallowed and lifted her up, wrapping her arms round his neck.  He unhooked her bra, sliding the straps down and letting it fall to the floor.  Then he gingerly pushed down her underwear.  All that separeted them flesh to flesh was his thin dark blue sweater.  He cursed the universe and then lifted her up, taking her to the edge of the bath.

Angel tried hard to stare straight ahead, trying to let her keep a little dignity that had been taken from her.  It killed him to see her so defenceless and broken.  Years of fighting, battling for them and they did this.  He calmed himself in his head and slid her in the bath, slowly, letting the semi scalding heat filter over her delicate skin.

"Too hot?" Angel whispered, fearing he would cry if he had to raise his voice any more.

She shook her head slowly.  Angel nodded sadly, gently letting go of her, letting her float herself in the bath.

Angel knelt down, and searched in the wooden cupboard under the sink, taking out a soft white face cloth.

Funny.. He'd known for weeks that he would be leaving Sunnydale but only packed after Buffy was released from hospital.. And he seemed to have missed a lot of things.  He remembered packing up before the Ascension as therapy.

/ Angel opened up his closet, seeing a few neat piles of sweaters and his pants hanging on coat hangers.  He sighed, wishing he'd done this sooner and gathered up a pile of blue, grey, brown and of course, black sweaters that didn't need ironing from the bottom and took them beside his suitcase onto his bed.  He knew why he didn't do this sooner.  Like after the Prom sooner.  Because it was too final.  Everything packed up and put away ready to move on.

Never gonna happen.

He took the first jumper and placed it neatly in the corner.  Then he straightened out the next ribbed blue one and placed it next to the first.  Then he glanced at the pile and saw that a large daisy had been placed between his clothes.  Curious, he picked it up and saw a thin string attaching it to paper.

'Just a little surprise.
So were you?  Surprised I mean.
My Love
Buffy

1st March 99'

Angel tried to at least smile sadly but he couldn't.  All he felt was depressed.  And anger.  And despair.  And blinding rage which tied in with anger.  He was feeling a plethora of emotions in one moment so he let out a small 'huh'.

"Was wondering how long it was gonna be until you found that," a voice said behind him, placid as ice.

"Buffy."

She was standing there, arms folded, the same mad expression on her face.

"I put it there.  A while ago," Buffy continued.  "Thought maybe you'd found it already but I thought not to push in case you didn't like it."

"I love it," Angel assured in a quiet voice, knowing that it was a moot point now.

"Sure you do.  I'm really not believing anything you say Angel."

A flash of anger passed over his features before the Hurt Puppy expression.

"Why?"

"Because I really can't count the times you've lied to me."

"When di--"

"How about I'll Love You Forever?  I'll Love You Even If You're Covered In Slime?"

"That's true," Angel said, furrowing his eyebrows.  "I will.  But I've never promised you forever - I mean being with you forever.  It kills me not to be able to.  But I haven't."

Buffy opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again.  "I'll never leave, not even if you kill me.." She murmured, a tear dropping from her cheek to her chest.

"Sorry?"

"Nothing, Angel nothing.  As usual; Nothing.  There's nothing I can do or say to stop you," Buffy rambled on, tears flowing fast now.  "And you're not even gonna say goodbye!  Just leave!  Well fine, Angel, if the past three years hasn't made you feel like I do, then just walk away and forget about it!"

She turned round quickly and ran out of his bedroom.  Angel sprinted after her, catching her arm and drawing her closer.  He face was red, moist and blotchy.  And anger.  And in utter despair.

"I'm sorry," Angel breathed, shivering and swallowing painfully.  "I love you but I could never make you happy--"

"Don't Angel!  Please," Buffy begged painfully, holding a hand up.  He nodded.  She grazed her fingertips over his face like she had down many times before.  She moved to kiss him softly one last time, and then froze.  Knowing that it wouldn't just be one little kiss.  So she slid her hand away and ran like Hell was behind her out of the mansion.  /
 

Angel dipped the cloth in water and wrung it out tightly.  He folded it and began to wash her back in long sweeping motions left to right.  Buffy pulled her knees to her chest and rocked herself.  As he slowly washed her back with the cloth; dipping it in, wringing it out, folding it up; he reached under the sink and took hold of the sponge, doing her tanned shoulders.  Then Angel burst out in desperate tears.  His walls crumbling and his eyes glazing over.  Buffy looked at him, emotionless.

"Sorry sorry.." He mumbled, and wiped his eyes furiously and in vain with his sleeve.  "God.. Sorry.. Buffy.."

Then a fresh wave of tears came over him.  He looked away from her and wept into the heel of his hands.  His mouth curled as his back arched over.  He calmed himself and turned to her again, eyes puffy.  He washed Buffy's arms and then she felt it slam into her.  Like a thousand stars falling from the sky.  Everything that had happened.  Her body ruptered in sobs and she turned to Angel.

"I'm so sorry Angel.." She whispered as she wept.  She threw her wet arms around him and pressed her wet chest to him, sticking to his blue shirt.  They cry into each other, Buffy more so.  He held her so tightly, so scared to let her go.

A while later when she thought she'd cried everything out that she could, he kissed her forehead several times, and tried to wash her again.  When he came to her breasts, he drew a breath and gently watered them with the cloth.  Angel got even more upset and distressed when he had to clean all the blood and semen off her thighs.

After he wrapped her in a large white fluffy towel and carried her to the bed in his room.  He rubbed her gently, brushing away her tears every second and then dressed her in a t-shirt and boxer shorts of his.

He helped her into the sheets and neatened them around her, before sitting on the side.

"I'm so sorry Angel," Buffy murmured through regular tears.

Angel seemed taken aback and shocked and shook his head firmly.

"God no.. No it's not your fault," he assured her, holding her hand in both of his.  "No no Buffy."

"It is my fault!" She protested.  "I'm dirty.. And disgusting and unfaithful and slutty.. And everything Faith used to... I'm sickening and revolting and--"

Angel sealed her mouth with his fingers.  "No.  You're not."

"How can you stand me Angel?!" Buffy said louder.  "How can you stand being in the same room as me!"

"Because I love you," Angel said gently, painfully reminding them both of what they knew.

"You can't.. Why do you love me?  How can anyone love me?" She hiccuped.

"You're everything that's good to me.  You changed me.  I was something so far from what I am and what I do now..  And it was gonna stay that way for centuries... until I seen you.  I was nothing.  A street rat.  But you.. Changed it.  Whenever I'm with you.. It's euphoric.  I'm the king of the world," Angel made a reference to the movie she insisted she and Angel rent from the video store.  Afterwards, he said mentioned it was nothing like the Titanic.  He was trying to stowaway on it, but the crew found him and tossed him.

'Good thing too seeing as it sank.  Although you wouldn't freeze,' Buffy had pointed out.

"I used to love making you smile and being with you when you're sad.  And more than anything I need to keep you safe..  When I'm with you, I'm so in love I don't know whether my head's spinning or the ground beneath me.  I wake up smiling... Or I used to.  And I only feel complete when I'm.. with.. you," he told her.  Angel felt the need to say all the things he had resisted picking up the phone and telling her the past year.  And he knew she needed to hear them right now.  And he wanted to say them.

"You did?" Buffy was moved to emotional tears, meshing with her angry and hurt tears.

"Buffy.. I need to ask you something.. You don't have to tell me.." Angel eased into the question.  "Who?"

Buffy looked down, feeling the floodgates open again, and she sighed.  The feeling inside her /horrible burning/ hadn't disapeared.  Angel was the only person she could ever tell that this had happened.

"F-Forrest."

"I found you there," Angel reminded gently.

"No, Forrest Gates," Buffy said in a hush.

"A person?"

She nodded in response.

"College?"

Buffy looked down and nodded again, her mouth twisting painfully.

"A.. Friend?"

"Not exactly.  He's Riley's friend.  He hates me," Buffy closed her eyes and slid back onto his sheets.  They still smelled like Angel.

Riley, Angel cursed.

Angel curled the sheets around her and kissed her forehead.  "Back soon."  He walked several steps quickly.

"NO!" She screamed.  He turned at once.  "Please stay with me tonight. Please.  Don't leave.  Don't leave."

He sighed and nodded.  He kicked off his boots and slide in beside her.  "Hold me," Buffy pleaded in a tiny voice.  He obeyed, wrapping his arms around her and drawing her close.

"I love you," she told him in a hushed tone.  Angel kissed the back of her neck, and Buffy's tears dampened the pillow, creating her own lake for the rest of the night.
 

END OF PART ONE