Weekend Update Installation #9 - February 2001 Val: Good evening, and welcome to the ninth installation of Weekend Update. Sal: This year we're reporting to you live, from the Parkdale Express. Val: That's right. We'd like to take this opportunity to introduce our special guest analyst, Mr. King. I'm sorry, I seem to have forgotten your first name. Jon: Nosmo. Val: Right. Mr. Nosmo King? (pauses and looks at Nosmo) You can't be serious. Jon: Sure. Just ask my brother, Menwor. Sal: And what is your profession, Mr. Pitts? Jon: Well, I used to be a pediatrician. Val: And what happened? Jon: I just came to the realization that I had little patients. Sal: And what have you done since then? Jon: Well, I've actually spent the last year in hospital with an extremely rare contagious disease. Val: Really? Jon: Yep. I was kept in isolation and fed only pancakes and pizza. Sal: And that diet actually helped fight the disease? Jon: No...that's all they could slide under the door. Val: And now, to the news. Speaking of diets, world famous sword swallower Andre Reneaux has been instructed by doctors to go on a strict diet. Jon: That's right. He'll be on pins and needles for 6 months. Sal: The well loved local parsley farmer, Hank Rollins, declared bankruptcy today. Jon: Yes. Apparently they're going to garnish his wages. Val: An independent study last week declared that Barbie is unequivocally the most popular children's toy. Jon: Oh, yeah? If she's so popular then why do you have to buy her friends? Sal: And a tragic story out of Ireland where a plane crashed in the middle of a cemetary. Jon: So far police have uncovered 2643 bodies. Val: The man responsible for the rash of calendar thefts over the last while was finally apprehended by police yesterday afternoon. Jon: He's expected to get twelve months. Sal: And Uvic Botanist Dr. Arvid Strenner claims to have discovered that money actually does grow on trees. Jon: Yes. Unfortunately, the banks own all the branches. Val: A local dating service for chickens sadly went out of business this week. Jon: Yes, apparently they just couldn't make hens meet. Val: Something like that. Sal: And now we go live to our on the spot reporter, Nancy "Scoop" Higgins. Hi Nancy. Nancy: Hi, Sal. Sal: Where are you today, Nancy? Nancy: I'm conducting an on the street interview to test the average person's math skills. (Don enters and is about to walk by) Hello, sir? Yes, you, sir. May I ask you a question. Don: Sure. Nancy: I'm Nancy "Scoop" Higgins and I'm trying to ascertain the average person's math skills. Don: Yes? Nancy: If I gave you a question, do you think you could find the Lowest Common Denominator? Don: They still haven't found that? They looking for it way back when I was in high school! (exits shaking his head) Nancy: There you have it, Val and Sal. Val: Thank you, Nancy. Jon: Like I've always said, at least 7/5ths of all people do'nt understand fractions. Sal: And in sports, the Parkdale Softball team's spring training opened today. Jon: That's right. Preliminary scouting reports say that although the team is poor at fielding, they can't hit or run either. Val: That's not very optimistic...I hear that the pitcher is pretty good. Jon: Sure, he hits the bat every time! Sal: That's it!!! I've had enough of your satire! Jon: If you're satired of it, why don't you just leave? Sal: (fuming) Oooooohhhhhh!!!! Val: It's okay, Sal. We're almost done. (turning to audience) Coming up next, Cuorderoy Pillowcases. Jon: They're making headlines. Sal: That's it!!! (Sal & Val chase Jon out hitting him with their scripts - how's that for an original ending?)
