Weekend Update #8 February 2000 Val: Good evening, and welcome to Weekend Update #8, broadcasting to you live on WPMM 109.5 on your FM dial. I'm Val... Sal: And I'm Sal. Here with us in the studio this evening is our special guest analyst...Odd? Is that your real name? Odd: Yes it is. I was named after my father, even though he hated the name Odd. Sal: Really. Odd: Yep. In fact, he hated it so much that wouldn't allow them to put it on his tombstone. He didn't want anyone to know his name. Val: So, he has a blank tombstone? Odd: Yep. Now when people walk by they look at it, kind of frown and say, "That's odd." Sal: You can't be serious. Val: And now to the news. The University of Victoria announced plans last week to lay off professors who are not generating enough research papers and reassign them to the UVic Chaplains Department. Odd: That's right. President Strong calls it a Publish or Parish philosophy. Sal: And an embarassing moment for the Victoria police department when a rookie officer arrested a supreme court justice who was disguised as a drug dealer in an attempt to break an illegal trafficking ring. Odd: Just goes to show you. You shouldn't book a judge by his cover. Val: The latest market research shows that the price of duck feathers has risen dramatically over the past few months. Odd: Oh, great. Now even down is up. Sal: In the world of entertainment, Hollywood is planning on making a sequel to Frankenstein and introducing a romantic interest for the famous monster. Odd: The movie is entitled "Frankenstein's Ghoulfriend" Val: And NBC has announced plans for a new series starring good old Archie Bunker in the role of a carpenter. Odd: It's going to be called "Awl in the family" Sal: We now go live to our on the spot reporter, Nancy "Scoop" Higgins. Nancy, where are you at? Nancy: Well, Sal, I'm here on a deserted island with these two castaways, Louise and Kelsey. They're ship crashed here a few nights ago, and they're hoping to be rescued before they run out of food. How do you feel, Louise? Louise: This is hopeless! No-one knows where we are, they might not even be looking for us!!! Nancy: Hmmm...and how about you, Kelsey? Kelsey: I'm not worried at all. I make a hundred thousand dollars a year. Louise: What does that have to do with anything?!? W'ere going to die! Kelsey: You don't need to worry. Nancy: Why are you so calm, Kelsey? Kelsey: I attend Parkdale Church. Nancy: But how will it help you get off this island? Kelsey: I make one hundred thousand dollars, I attend Parkdale Church and I tithe ten percent. Pastor Jim will find me. Nancy: There you have it, Val and Sal. Back to you. Val: Thank you, Nancy. Last night Parkdale member Alan Myers was turned away from a fancy restaurent for not wearing a tie. Indignant, he went out to his truck and fastened a pair of jumper cables around his neck in a makeshift necktie. When he returned, the restaurent reluctantly allowed him entry. Odd: Yes, they said he could come in as long as he didnt' start anything. Sal: And in a similar story, after another losing effort by the Cancucks, a reporter commented to Mark Messier that he hadn't tied the windsor knot on his tie correctly. Mr. Messier became very irate at the reporter. Odd: That's right. He said in a rage, "It doesn't matter if you windsor knot, it's how you play the game!" Val: A bizzarre story from Los Angeles, where a man who is employed by Disneyland to walk around in a Winnie the Pooh costume attempted to hold the entire amusement park hostage for ransom. Odd: I guess you could call that a Pooh d'etat? Val: Something like that. Sal: And a local farmer has specified in his will that he wants to be buried in his vegetable garden. Odd: His tombstone will read, "Rest in peas" Sal: That's it! I've had enough of you! Odd: Fine. I'll just make like Canadian taxes and take a hike. Val: No, no, Odd. It's okay. We're almost done. The local nudist club has decided to start up a track and field organization. Everyone is welcome. Odd: Their motto is, "All the nudes fit to sprint!" Sal: Uggh!!!! (Val and Sal chase Odd off hitting him with their scripts)
