Weekend Update VII - September 1999
Val: Good evening, and welcome to this, the seventh installment
of the Weekend Update. I'm Val...
Sal: ....and I'm Sal, and this is our special guest analyst,
William....I'm sorry, how do you pronounce your last name?
William: Airyme.
Sal: Right. William Airyme.
William: Marry you! I hardly know you!
Sal: (stares at William blankly) Huh?
Val: (covering for dead air) Uh...right. William, I understand
you run a gourmet chicken restaurent, is that correct?
William: That's correct.
Val: Could you tell our audience how you prepare you chickens?
William: Oh, we just sit them down, give them a cigar and tell
them they're going to die.
Val: Oh...
Sal: (covering for dead air) Ummm....you were saying that some
of the chickens you raise have been trained to do interpretive
dance?
William: That's right. I tell you, it's like watching poultry
in motion!
Val: Uhh...right. Now to the news. Samuel Morrison set a new
time record last week for flying over the Atlantic Ocean twice
consecutively. His only comment upon landing was that he hadn't
had a shower since he started.
William: Is that what you'd call a dirty double crosser?
Sal: And a heart-warming story from Peru, where a fisherman
rescued a local maiden who was drowning. They fell in love and
were immediately wed.
William: So he married her before the Inca was dry.
Val: The Canadian government recently committed to increasing
their support of research into the significance of dreams.
William: I had a dream the other night that I was a muffler.
Val: (not impressed) Really.
William: Yeah. When I woke up I was completely exhausted!
Sal: The navy made history yesterday when twelve dozen ministers
crowded into a submarine to take their vows and become the first
underwater pastors.
William: The headlines read, "Gross in Sub Ordination"
Val: And a ceremony was held today at town hall to honour the
visit of a Girl Guide Troupe from Belgium.
William: They are affectionately known as the Brussel Scouts.
Sal: A recent report in Scientific America addressed the
exercise value of walking.
William: My grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she was 57.
Sal: And?
William: She's 82 now....and we have no idea where she is.
Val: We now go to our on the spot reporter, Nancy "Scoop"
Higgins who is conducting a man on the street interview. Nancy?
Nancy: Thank you, Val. My topic today is different delivery
methods for sermons, and here to discuss the topic are
representatives from the Comox, Parkdale and Quadra Island
Churches. (turns to Comox rep) What do you think is the best
form of sermon delivery?
Comox: Well, nancy, when Pastor Koleba speaks, he gives us an
outline as he speaks, so we can write down the main points of his
sermon.
Nancy: Interesting (turns to Parkdale) And you?
Parkdale: Well, that's okay, but Pastor Jim often lists the
points of his sermon in the bulletin, so they're already there
typed up neatly for us to post on our fridge or bathroom mirror.
I find it much more useful.
Comox: Well, I think it's much more beneficial to actually write
the points yourself. It helps you to remember them better.
Parkdale: Yes, but while you're spending time writing a point,
you could be jotting down useful bits of information instead!
Nancy: (interrupting argument and talking to Quadra rep) Well,
what about y ou? Which of these two methods of getting the
points of a sermon do you prefer?
Quadra: Well...it's hard for me to say....Pastor Purdy's sermons
are usually pointless.
Nancy: There you have it. Back to you, Val and Sal.
Sal: And now, as usual, we go to our reporter in Quadra Island,
Mallory Snippers, to find out about any important or interesting
events going on there.
Mallory: Thank you Sal. Back to you.
Sal: Thank you Mallory. In a scary moment, an eskimo from
Ninuvik was rushe by plane to hospital after sitting on an
iceberg fishering for 13 straight hours.
William: Fortunately, it turned out he just had a bad case of
polaroids.
Val: That's it!!! I've had enough of this!!
Sal: It's okay, Sal. We're almost done. Thank you for watching
the Weekend Update, and don't forget our sponsor, the Vancouver
Island Bowling Federation.
William: That's right...get your kids off the streets....and
into the alleys!
(Val and Sal chase William out hitting him with their scripts)
