Weekend Update VI - September 1998
Jan: Good evening, and welcome to Weekend Update, reporting...
Lan: Once again...
Jan: Live from Lake Cowichan.
Lan: We would like to start by introducing our special guest
editorialist for this evening, Mr....Middeer? Did I pronounce
that correctly?
Frank: Yes, that's correct.
Jan: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Middeer, but I seem to have
forgotten your given names.
Frank: Hmm? Oh, Frank Lee.
Lan: Yes, of course. Mr. Frank Lee Middeer.
Frank: I don't give a darn.
Jan: What?
Frank: Did you say something?
Lan: Ummm....where were you from again, Frank?
Frank: Georgia. You know, when I was crossing the border into
Canada, they asked me if I had any firearms with me...
Jan: Yes, ummm, why don't we get to the news.
Frank: So, I says to the guy, "Well, what exactly do you need?"
Lan: Over three hundred chickens...
Frank: Boy, they sure didn't like that.
Lan: Thank you, Frank. Over three hundred chickens went missing
yesterday from a chicken farm near Lake Cowichan.
Frank: Police suspect fowl play.
Jan: And an exciting discovery in the field of archaeology last
week as a team uncovered the tomb where Napoleon and most of his
immediate family were buried.
Frank: Unfortunately, they couldn't tell one bone apart from the
another.
Lan: On a sad note, the worldn't crossword champion passed away
yesterday evening.
Frank: Yes. He was buried six down and three across.
Jan: In the world of science, geneticist Calvin Jones actually
found a method to clone himself last week. Unfortunately, the
clone had a few slight defects, including a nasty habit of using
course language. Dr. Jones got so sick of this vulgarity that he
actually pushed the clone off the roof of his house!
Frank: Police arrested Dr. Jones and this morning and charged
him with making an obscene clone fall.
Lan: Recent medical research indicates that there is a new
strand of bacteria that causes kleptomania in those it infects.
Frank: Can't you take something for that?
Jan: Tragically, the local candle factory burned down last night
in full view of hundreds of onlookers.
Frank: It was horrible! Everyone just stood around singing
happy birthday!
Lan: We now go live to our on the spot reporter, Nancy "Scoop"
Higgins. Nancy?
Nancy: Thank you Lan and Jan. Some of you may remember Bud
Flanger, member of the volunteer fire department and owner of
"Bud's Gas Station" for his brave actions a few years back.
Well, it appears that Bud is once again a hero here today.
Apparently, a car with two small French Poodles in the back seat
had stopped for gas at Bud's station and it started to roll down
the hill toward the lake. Witnesses say that Bud immediately
started to chase the car all the way down the hill and even dove
into the water after it! It is only due to Bud's bravery that
no-one was seriously injured. Bud, what inspired you to such a
daring act of heroism?
Bud: Well, Nancy, it seems that one of my employees thought it
would be a real good jokoe to smear this here gas nozzle with
crazy glue. Funny, huh?
Nancy: (slightly embarassed) Ummm..thank you Bud. Back to you,
Lan and Jan.
Bud: Biff! You're fired!!! (to Nancy) Make that a former
employee.
Jan: Thank you Nancy. We now go to our community correspondent
in Quadra Island, Samantha Sniffle, to keep us up to date on any
interesting or important events happening there.
Samantha: Thank you Jan. Back to you.
Jan: Thank you Samantha. A recent survey shows that 3 out of 4
people make up 75 percent of the population.
Lan: And in other news, scientists are working around the clock.
Jan: In the world of economics, while prices on most things
continue to rise, paper products appear to be stationary.
Lan: Local crime seems to be on the rise as vandals put a hole
in the fence to the nudist colony last night.
Frank: Police are looking into it.
Jan: And local Fred Meyers claims to have met a ghost in a house
that is reported to have been haunted. Fred claims the ghost was
quite willing to have his picture taken but there wasn't enough
light in the house, and so the picture didn't turn out.
Frank: So, what you're saying is, the spirit was willing, but
the flash was weak?
Lan: Henry Watson of Alberta claims to have invented a fold up
countertop surface that is made entirely of recycled manure.
Frank: He's calling them closing counters of the turd kind.
Jan: In a similar story, another inventor put in a request for a
patent today for his invention of a cardboard belt.
Frank: Unfortunately, they just said it was a waist of paper.
Lan: And a prisoner escaped from the local prison today by
converting an old chicken shed into a makeshift airplane!
Frank: That's right. He just attached wings and flew the coop!
Lan: We would like to take this opportunity to advertise an
employment opportunity for one of our sponsors who is interested
in hiring a full time telepath.
Frank: You know where to apply.
Jan: And finally, a thief in Paris almost got away with robbing
the Louvre. After succesfully masterminding and carrying out a
brilliant plan, the crook was found half a block from the museam
in his car, which had run out of fuel.
Frank: When asked how he could overlook such an important
detail, he simply responded, "I just had no Monet to buy Degas to
make the Van Gogh!"
Jan: That's it! I've had enough of you!
Frank: (starting to leave) Well, fine then. I'll just make
like a guillotine and head off.
Lan: No, no. Frank, it's okay. We're almost done. We'd like
to thank you all for tuning in, and a special thanks to our guest
editorialist, Frank Lee Mideer.
Frank: I don't give a darn.
Lan: Huh?
Jan: Would you stop that already?
Frank: Not now.....but maybe tomorrow.
Lan: Why tomorrow?
Frank: Because (stands up and music starts) tomorrow is
another day.
(Jan and Lan chase Frank out hitting him with their scripts -
gee, that's original)
