Weekend Update V - February 1998
Jan: Bonjour, and welcome to Weekend Update, reporting live today all the way from Paris.
Lan: Oui, and we have...wait a minute, I thought you said we were in France, not in Paris!
(Jan rolls her eyes and whispers something into Lan's ear. A look of recognition crosses Lan's face)
Lan: Ohhhhhh. Well, as I was saying, we have a very special broadcast for you today, with stories...
Jan: As always...
Lan: ...from around the world.
Jan: Before we begin, I'd like to introduce our special guest editorialist panel, both of whom are on staff at the Universite de Paris. Directly to my left we have Dr. Dupp...I'm terribly sorry doctor, but I seem to have forgotten your first name.
Dan: Hmm? Oh, Stan.
Jan: Yes, of course. Dr. Stan Dupp.
(Stan & Bea stand)
Lan: Uhh...yeah. And to Dr. Dupp's left we have Dr. Beatrice Seated (put the stress on the second syllable this time so we don't give away the punch line to too many)
Bea: Please, my friends call me Bea.
Lan: Very well. Dr. Bea Seated. (said normally this time)
(Stan & Bea sit)
Jan: Okay...before we get to the news, why don't we find out a little about what our guests do. First we'll hear from Dr. Stan Dupp.
(Stan & Bea stand)
Stan: Yes, well, before being hired by the Universite, I actually had a wide variety of jobs. My first job was actually as a professional bunjy jumper.
Lan: Really. What happened?
Bea: They let him go.
Stan: (nodding) Yes, and then I worked in an orange juice factory.
Jan: And what happened there?
Bea: He got canned.
Stan: Yes...they said I couldn't concentrate. Then I got hired as a barbeque operator.
Bea: But he got fired.
Stan: My boss was a real weiner. Then I worked in a blanket factory.
Bea: But it folded.
Stan: And, most recently, I worked in a women's clothing store.
Lan: Don't tell me...
Bea: Yes, they gave him the pink slip.
Jan: Okay...well, why don't we move on to Dr. Bea Seated.
(Stan & Bea sit)
Bea: Yes, well, I work in the finance department in the Faculty of Art. It's my job to raise money for the school's research.
Lan: And how do you do that?
Bea: We sell old works by famous impressionist painters that are being stored at the University.
Jan: But...what happens when you run out of paintings?
Stan: Yes, that's the problem. The program will be Baroque once they run out of Monet.
Lan: Uhh..maybe we should get to the news. The new, much anticipated book by Louis Larot hit the shelves today. The autobiography gives detailed accounts of Louis's successes, which all began when he developed a new line of perfume made from wild rabbits.
Stan: I believe the book is entitled "From Hare to Eternity"
Jan: And paris police arrested two teens yesterday, one who was drinking battery acid and the other eating fireworks.
Bea: They charged one and let off the other.
Lan: New archaeological evidence indicates that the Roman Coliseum was actually forced to shut down due to financial reasons.
Stan: That's right. The lion's were eating all the prophets.
Jan: And in Tibet, the world's first Silkworm Racetrack opened with a much hyped race between two of the fastest silkworms around.
Bea: Apparently the race ended up in a tie.
Lan: A surprising release from prison today, Guy Lacroix has vowed to change his life of crime and, instead, open up a chain of sausage delis.
Stan: Talk about going from bad to wurst.
Jan: And a scary moment in the field of botany when scientists realized they had been accidnetly spraying their herb crop with herbicide instead of pesticide for over three weeks.
Bea: Yes. Luckily they just ended up killing thyme.
Lan: French farmers are extremely concerned about an offshoot of made cow disease which gives cows the urge to try to jump over barbed wire fences.
Stan: This could be an udder disaster!
Jan: Plans were released today for a new English program at the University which will exclusively study the Star Wars Trilogy.
Bea: I hear the professeurs will close each lecture by saying, "Metaphors be with you!"
Lan: Professional soccer player Andrios Laronge was caught yesterday puposefully electrocuting players on the opposing team.
Stan: He was ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Jan: And in Russia last night, international agents discovered a secret meeting of many of the official part's top members. The meeting was taking place at Stalin's grace.
Bea: Sounds like a communist plot.
Lan: That's it! I've had enough (slaps down her papers and almost stands to leave)
Jan: It's okay, Lan. We're almost done. We'd like to thank our special gusts, Dr. Stan Dupp and Bea Seated.
(Stan & Bea stand and sit. Lan is getting more infuriated)
Jan: And all that's left for us to do is find a name for this special broadcast. It should somehow incorporate the fact that we are in France as well as the theme of love which is associated with Valentine's Day. Any suggestions, Stan?
Stan: How about French Kiss?
Lan: (looking at Bea) He can't be serious?
Bea: No...I think he was just speaking tongue in cheek.
(Jan & Lan chase Stan & Bea out hitting them with their scripts)
