Weekend Update IV - The Cruse News - February 1997
Belle: Good evening, and welcome to the Caribbean. Our Weekend Update News Team has come on location to bring you this very special edition - "The Cruise News"
Mel: That's right, and here to join us is our special guest analyst, Mr. Toothree...I'm sorry, what was your first name again?
Juan: Juan.
Mel: Yes, that's right. Mr. Juan Toothree. (pauses and gives Juan an "are you serious?" look)
Belle: (jumping in to cover for dead air) Juan, I believe you said you had a twin brother, is that correct?
Juan: Yes. His name is Amal.
Belle: Could we meet him some time?
Juan: Well, it's not really necessary. We're identical twins, so, you know, you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
Belle: (slightly confused) Right.
Mel: (jumping in to cover for dead air) Now, to the news. During this afternoon's turbulent seas, a passenger accidentally slipped and fell into a screen door.
Juan: Fortunately, he wasn't hurt. He just strained himself.
Belle: And after years of research, the ship's botanist has finally discovered a species of nomadic trees.
Juan: That's right. It just packs up its trunk and leaves.
Mel: If you plan on attending service in the morning, be forewarned that the ship's chapel has been experiencing minor difficulties with it's heating system.
Juan: The chaplain reports that many are cold, but few are frozen.
Belle: On an unfortunate note, passenger Ruth Smith inadvertantly fell overboard half an hour ago.
Juan: Yeah, I couldn't believe it. Ruth went right over the edge and the captain just drove on, ruthlessly.
Mel: And congratulations to the ship's physicist who has finally completed his book on the theory of antigravity. Have you read it yet, Juan?
Juan: You bet. I couldn't put it down!
Belle: A freighter carrying a cargo of yoyos was hit by a typhoon this afternoon.
Juan: Yes, apparently the ship sunk....23 times.
Mel: Incidentally, however, the captain of that ship did survive the wreckage, though he had to have his entire left side amputated!
Juan: Yes. He's all right now.
Belle: Many of you are aware of the fact that Bill Clinton is on this cruise with us. He was addressing a small group in the upper lounge this afteroon when someone in the back row threw a can of beer at him.
Juan: Fortunately for President Clinton, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.
Mel: And some disturbing news from the ship's maintenance crew. Apparently the underside of the boat's constant contact with water is causing it to be eaten away by the process of oxidation. (pauses then looks at Juan) Don't you have anything to say about that?
Juan: Sorry. My science is a little rusty.
Belle: Finally, the ship's architect has decided to repanel all the washrooms with mirrors.
Juan: Yes, he says it will allow people to sit and reflect.
Mel: It's now time for our traditional trip to the mail bag where we answer questions from you, the passengers.
Belle: (opens envelope and reads) "Dear Cruise News. I am a shy young man who is very interested in a beautiful young lady on board. However, I'm so timid that I'm unable to even speak to her. In fact, every time I'm nearer her I feel as though I'm nothing more than a tiny pebble. Sincerely, Tiny Pebble." How would you respond to that, Juan?
Juan: A tiny pebble, eh? Well, if you want to get the girl you're just going to have to be a little boulder!
Mel: That's it! I've had enough of your insolence.
Juan: Fine, then. I'll just make like horse manure and hit the trail! (Belle and Mel chase Juan out, hitting him with their scripts - how original)
