Weekend Update III - September 1996
Jana: Good evening, and welcome to Weekend Update. Once again, we have
a packed show for you, with news from the municipality, nation and around
the globe.
Lana: That's right. Before we begin, however, we would like to introduce
our special guest analyst for the evening, Mr....what was your name again?
Jon: Rex....Nervous Rex.
Lana: Yes....Mr. Rex (looks oddly at Jon, then recovers her professionalism)
Mr. Rex makes his living working at a...fire hydrant factory? Is that correct,
Mr. Rex?
Jon: Yup...you can't park within 10 blocks of the place. (shaking his head
in annoyance)
Jana: Now, to the news. The first nation-wide Janitorial Convention
got underway this afternoon.
Jon: Apparently they're calling for sweeping reforms.
Lana: And Ron Smith from Comox demanded an explination after being fired from
his job at the local Orange Juice factory.
Jon: Yeah, they said it was because he couldn't concentrate.
Jana: A local burglar was apprehended by police today. Apparently, the reason
they were able to track him down related to the fact that he didn't wash his
hands before commiting the crime, and consequently left his dirty, muddy
fingerprints all over the scene.
Jon: It just goes to show you...Grime does not pay
Lana: Police were also active in Uclulet today, as they uncovered an organized
crime ring that used a fake babysitting organization as a cover for their
illegal activities. A Swat Team raided the criminals' headquarters early
this morning.
Jon: Of course, they took extra care to search every crook and nanny.
Jana: And in a bizarre display at the Victoria Air Show, a stunt pilot who
was sitting on the runway about to take off and perform a daring quadruple
loop suddenly got out of his plane and ran to the washroom. Five minutes
later he returned, took off and performed the trick to perfection.
Jon: He obviously understands that you're supposed to leak before you loop.
Lana: It was a sad day for frog lovers today, as the lovable green amphibeans
were placed on the Endangered Species list.
Jon: Well, it was no big surprise. You know those frogs...they're always
croaking.
Jana: In a shocking story, there have been several UFO sightings right here
in the poetry section of the local library.
(all three watch as an old book is thrown from off stage and flies gracefully
over their heads)
Lana: (excitedly) What was that?
Jon: Looked like a flying Chaucer.
Lana: (very angry) I've had just about enough from you (points off stage)
Would you like me to show you the door?
Jon: Well, that's mighty thoughtful of you, but I saw it on the way in, thanks.
Lana: Why you....
Jana: (cutting in) let's go live now to our On the Spot Reporter, Nancy
"Scoop" Higgins. What do you have for us, Nancy?
Nancy: Well, I'm standing beside a true hero, Jana. This is Bud Flanger, the
leader of the local volunteer fire department. Earlier today, when the city's
professional fire fighting forces were unable to bring a fire in a farmer's
field under control, Bud bravely drove the volunteer department's old, beat up
fire truck straight onto the field and into the middle of the fire. The
volunteer firemen then all jumped out, sprayed their hoses furiously and
quelled the flames, saving the farmer's crops. In fact, the farmer was so
thankful he gave Bud a cheque for $1000. (turns to Bud) Bud, you didn't even
slow down as you drove into those giant flames...tell me, what are you going
to do with the money?
Bud: (talks with a slow drawl) Well, I'll tell you, Nancy. The first thing
I'm gonna do is fix those darned brakes on that stupid old truck...they
near got us all killed!
Nancy: (embarassed) Uhhh....tha...thank you very much, Bud...back to you now,
Jana and Lana.
Jana: Umm...thank you, Nancy. (turns to audience) NASA released plans this
morning to build a fully equipped space station on the moon. The station's
main attraction would be a gourmet restaurent.
Jon: I can see it now...great food, no atmosphere.
Lana: Two ships collided in the pacific ocean last night, one carrying a
shipment of blue paint, the other a shipment of red paint.
Jon: At last word the survivors were marooned.
Jana: ACME was forced earlier this week to recall an entire line of irons
due to a malfunction. It is not known whether or not the company will make
any effort to correct the problem.
Jon: Well, of course they will...it's a pressing issue.
Lana: And in another marketing blunder, John Tate, who went into business
manufacturing Tate's Compasses, was accused of selling defective merchandise
after eleven reported cases of people getting stranded in the wilderness while
relying on his compasses for direction.
Jon: Well, you know what they say...he who has a Tate's shall be lost.
Jana: Television censors have banned the airing of a new instructional show
by PBS that purported to introduce young viewers to the worlds of Jazz and
Classical music.
Jon: Yes, they claim it contained too much sax and violins.
Lana: Historians have discovered indeniable proof that William Tell's family
were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in
a tragic fire.
Jon: So I guess we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.
Jana: Researchers have begun studying a very special kind of sheep that has
the ability to use all four legs equally.
Jon: You mean they're lambidextrous?
Lana: (to Jon, not amused) Something like that. (turns to audience again) A
thief broke into the local police station this morning and stole all the
lavatory equipment.
Jon: A police spokesperson was quoted as saying they have absolutely nothing
to go on.
Jana: Anthropologists have discovered a primitive tribe in South America that
has invented palm leaf suppositories that cure constipation. Scientists are
have not commented on the effectiveness of the invention.
Jon: Are you kidding? With fronds like these, who needs enemas?
Lana: A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurous overturned on the highway
this afternoon.
Jon: Onlookers were stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded.
Lana: That's it!!! I've had enough of your interruptions! Leave!
Jon: (stands) Fine then...I'll just make like horse manure and hit the trail
Jana: (interrupts) Wait...it's okay...we're already done here anyways. (turns
to audience) Well, folks. That's our show for tonight. Good evening, and
don't forget to check your mailbox for the Oscar Meyer Sweepstakes.
Jon: That's right...you may already be a weiner!
(Jana and Lana chase Jon out, hitting him with their scripts, etc.)
