WEEKEND UPDATE II - February 1996
Tan: Good evening and welcome to this very special Valentine's edition
of Weekend Update. (gestures to Jon). This is our guest analyst
for the evening . . . . what's your name again?
Jon: Luke Warmwater.
Tan: Yes, Luke Warm Water . . . . (pauses, throws a quick "are you serious"
look toward Jon)
Jan: (clears throat) Now, to the news. The Parkdale board has attempted
to meet a growing need in the local community by starting an Apathy
Support Group.
Jon: Yes. Unfortunately the meetings were cancelled due to a lack of
interest.
Tan: And in the medical field, a Victoria resident claims to have discovered
a new wonder drug. The only side effect is that when women take it
they feel compelled to join a convent. The FDA has refused to
licence the drug.
Jon: That's right. They say it's habit forming.
Jan: A new photgraphy shop has opened in Victoria, promising 24 hour film
development.
Jon: Their motto is "In One Day Your Prints Will Come".
Tan: Victoria was on the world stage last week as we hosted the annual
championship chess tournament. However controversy erupted when
several participants were kicked out of the hotel lobby after sitting
around for hours bragging about their past achievements and awards.
The hotel manager has refused to comment on why he did this.
Jon: Well, isn't it obvious? He just hates chess nuts boasting by an open
foyer.
Jan: And University of Victoria biologist, Ronald Black, was about to lose
his annual grant last week, but he has been promised funding for at
least 5 years after discovering a previously unknown garden pest
thriving in his greenhouse.
Jon: So . . . . I suppose you could say he's discovered a new lice on leaf?
Tan: Something like that . . . . (regains composure) Tragedy almost struck
today in downtown Victoria when Bill White was taking a tour of an
optician's office and accidently backed into the lens grinding
machine. Fortunately he was not seriously hurt.
Jon: Yes, he just made a spectacle of himself.
Jan: And in a bizarre coincidence, a butcher at Save-On-Foods had a similar
experience as he inadvertently backed into his meat grinder.
Jon: Nothing much happened except that he got a little behind in his orders.
Tan: You may recall a local story we brought you last week about a man
living in a two story grass hut on the outskirts of Victoria, who
has compiled the world's largest collection of toilets.
Unfortunately the flimsy grass hut couldn't support the weight of
all those toilets, and yesterday they came crashing through the
floor, destroying most of his collection.
Jon: It just goes to show you . . . . people who live in grass houses
shouldn't stow thrones.
Jan: And a guest lecturer at Memorial Arena avoided mayhem last night after
the power went out in the middle of his speech. He simply asked
everyone to raise their hands in the air. Afterwards the bewildered
crowd complied every light in the arena came on again.
Jon: So, it is true . . . . many hands make light work.
Tan: And a national survey last month found that there is a
disproportionately high percentage of good looking women in churches
as opposed to in the general population.
Jon: Well, of course! It says right in the Bible, "Out of the mouths of
BABES shall flow the truth of God".
Jan: A heartwarming story out of major league baseball today. Bob Milton,
a man known as the meanest, cruellest, most obnoxious umpire in the
game, held a press conference to say he wanted to change his ways and
create a more likeable image. He even went so far as to offer to
dress up like Santa at the annual Christmas Party. However, it became
apparent that it would take some time for this new image to set in
when his own child refused to climb up on the official's lap and tell
him what he wanted for Christmas.
Jon: You know what they say . . . . the son never sits on the brutish umpire.
Tan: Eleven tons of human hair were stolen from a doll factory in Central
Saanich this morning.
Jon: Police are combing the area.
Jan: That's enough! We've had enough of your interruptions!
Jon: Fine, then. I'll just make like a baby and head out.
(Tan and Jan chase Jon out)
