Weekend Update X
February, 2002
Val: Good evening, and welcome to Weekend Update, ten years in review.
Sal: Tonight we will be bringing you the top Weekend Update news stories from the past ten years.
Val: Right. Now, before we begin, I’d like to introduce our guest analyst….I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten your name, sir.
Jon: Hmm? Oh, Medium.
Val: Your….your name is Medium?
Jon: That’s correct.
Sal: How in the world did you get a name like Medium?!?
Jon: Well, my parents couldn't decide what to call me, so they picked my name out of a hat.
Val: (looks oddly at Jon, then recovers her professionalism) Medium, you used to make your living working at a...fire hydrant factory? Is that correct?
Jon: Yup...you couldn’t park within 10 blocks of the place. (shaking his head
in annoyance)
Sal: Uh...right. However, I understand you now run a gourmet chicken restaurent, right?
Jon: That's correct.
Val: Could you tell our audience how you prepare your chickens?
Jon: Oh, we just sit them down, give them a cigar and tell them they're going to die.
Val: Oh...
Sal: (covering for dead air) Ummm....you were saying that some of the chickens you raise have been trained to do interpretive dance?
Jon: That's right. I tell you, it's like watching poultry in motion!
Val: Right….well, let’s get to the news. NASA released plans this morning to build a fully equipped space station on the moon. The station's main attraction would be a gourmet restaurent.
Jon: I can see it now...great food, no atmosphere.
Sal: And the Parkdale Church board released plans today for an emotional support group
for middle aged men experienceing hair loss.
Jon: Yes. Apparently they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go, and thin no more."
Val: A thief broke into the local police station this morning and stole all the toilets!
Jon: A police spokesperson was quoted as saying they have absolutely nothing to go on.
Sal: If you plan on attending service Sunday morning, be forewarned that the church has been experiencing minor difficulties with it's heating system.
Jon: Pastor Tom reports that many are cold, but few are frozen.
Val: We now go to our live, on the spot reporter, Nancy "Scoop" Higgins. Nancy?
Nancy: Well, I'm standing beside a true hero, Val. Behind me you can the volunteer fire department, and with me is their chief, Bud Flanger. Earlier today, when the city's professional fire fighting forces were unable to bring a fire in a farmer's field under control, Bud bravely drove the volunteer department's old, beat up fire truck straight onto the field and into the middle of the fire. The volunteer firemen then all jumped out, sprayed their hoses furiously and quelled the flames, saving the farmer's crops. In fact, the farmer was so thankful he gave Bud a cheque for $1000. (turns to Bud) Bud, you didn't even slow down as you drove into those giant flames...tell me, what are you going to do with the money?
Bud: (talks with a slow drawl) Well, I'll tell you, Nancy. The first thing I'm gonna do is fix those darned brakes on that stupid old truck...they near got us all killed!
Nancy: (embarassed) Yes, well….ummm….back to you, Val and Sal.
Val: Thank you, Nancy. Local crime seems to be on the rise as vandals put a hole in the fence to the nudist colony last night.
Jon: Police are looking into it.
Sal: Tragedy almost struck today in downtown Victoria when Bill White was taking a tour of an optician's office and accidently backed into the lens grinding machine. Fortunately he was not seriously hurt.
Jon: Yes, he just made a spectacle of himself.
Val: And in a bizarre coincidence, a butcher at Save-On-Foods had a similar experience as he inadvertently backed into his meat grinder.
Jon: Nothing much happened except that he got a little behind in his orders.
Sal: And police arrested two teens yesterday, one who was drinking battery acid and the other eating fireworks.
Jon: They charged one and let off the other.
Val: In the world of science, geneticist Hubert Jones actually found a method to clone himself last week. Unfortunately, the clone had a few slight defects, including a nasty habit of using course language. Dr. Jones got so sick of this vulgarity that he actually pushed the clone off the roof of his house!
Jon: Police arrested Dr. Jones this morning and charged him with making an obscene clone fall.
Sal: Something like that. We now go to our community correspondent in Langford, Samantha Sniffle, to keep us up to date on any interesting or important events happening there. Samantha?
Samantha: Thank you, Sal. Back to you.
Sal: Thank you, Nancy. We now rejoin our on the spot reporter, Nancy "Scoop" Higgins, to bring us a breaking story on a group of castaways stranded on a deserted island. Nancy?
(Louise, Thelma, Marjory and Hannah look devastated, hungry and hopeless. Kelsey does not appear worried in the least, and whistles to herself the whole time)
Nancy: Well, Sal, as you said, I'm here on a deserted island with these castaways whose ship crashed here a few nights ago. They are hoping to be rescued before they run out of food. However, it’s not looking too hopeful right now. Tell me, how do you all feel?
(each girl pulls the mike toward themselves for their line, except for Marjory who just bellows her lines out as loud as possible)
Louise: This is hopeless! No-one knows where we are!
Thelma: They might not even be looking for us!!!
Marjory: We’re all going to die!
Louise: Our food supply is almost out!
Hannah: And I am not going to start eating rats. Ugh!!
Marjory: We’re all going to die!
Thelma: We don’t even have proper shelter.
Marjory: We’re all going to die!
Thelma: (Takes mike and steps in front of everyone, speaking to audience) I voted for Hannah because she keeps yelling, "We’re all going to die"
Nancy: Well, Val and Sal, it doesn’t look like it could get much worse.
Louise: Oh, but it is. Look! (points to the back of the stage, where the Smothers Brothers enter just after her line)
Dickey: Hey! There you guys are!
Tommy: You didn’t hear the end of our song! 2, 3, 4…
(Tommy and Dickey sing "Herman and Sally" in the background as the skit continues)
Nancy: Yes, Val and Sal, it’s pretty bad here. Apparently these poor girls are stranded on a desert island with the Smothers Brothers!
Marjory: Please let us die!!!
Nancy: How about you, miss. You don’t seem to be too concerned.
Kelsey: I'm not worried at all. I make a hundred thousand dollars a year.
Hannah: What does that have to do with anything?!?
Nancy: Tell me, why are you so calm, Kelsey?
Kelsey: I attend Parkdale Church.
Nancy: But how will it help you get off this island?
Kelsey: Listen. I make one hundred thousand dollars, I attend Parkdale Church and I tithe ten percent. Pastor Tom will find me.
Nancy: There you have it, Val and Sal. Back to you.
Val: Thank you, Nancy. We would like to take this opportunity to advertise an employment opportunity for one of our sponsors who is interested in hiring a full time telepath.
Jon: You know where to apply
Sal: Eleven tons of human hair were stolen from a doll factory in Central
Saanich this morning.
Jon: Police are combing the area.
Val: And coming up on tomorrow’s broadcast, cuorderoy pillowcases….
Jon: They’re making headlines.
Val: That’s it!!! I’ve had enough of your interruptions!!
Jon: Fine, then. I’ll just make like Canadian taxes and take a hike.
Sal: No, no, Val…it’s okay. We’re almost done. (turns to audience) Well, folks. That's our show for tonight. Good evening, and don't forget to check your mailbox for the Oscar Meyer Sweepstakes.
Jon: That's right...you may already be a weiner!
(Val and Sal start to chase Jon out hitting him with their scripts…but wait….the classical ending is interrupted briefly as Val returns to the mike and says…
Sal: We’ll return to our regular broadcasting after this word from our sponsor.
