Weekend Update I - August 1995
Jan: Good evening and welcome to another edition of Weedend Update.
We've got a packed show for you today, as there's lots happening
both on the Island and in the world.
Tan: Just before we start, I'd like to introduce our special guest
analyst for today . . . . umm . . . . sorry, what was your
name again?
Jon: Medium.
Tan: (puzzled look on face) . . . . Medium? How in the world did you get a
name like Medium?!?
Jon: Well, my parents couldn't decide what to call me, so they picked my
name out of a hat.
(Tan and Jan take a few seconds to think about this, then accept it and
move on)
Jan: Well, here's the news for tonight. The St. Michael's Church
Board released plans today for an emotional support group
for middle aged men experienceing hair loss.
Jon: Yes. Apparently they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go,
and thin no more."
Tan: And two priests from a local monastery here on the island have
decided to go into business together, opening a gourmet fish and
chips restaurant.
Jon: They are known far and wide as the fish friar and the chip monk.
Jan: A group of 3000 protesters met on the Legislature lawns in Victoria
this past weekend to protest the early age at which racehorses are
taken from their mothers.
Jon: Well, you know what they say. A foal and his mummy are soon parted.
Tan: A group of scientists from UBC have decided to set up a study to
find out why crows always perch on telephone wires.
Jon: Preliminary findings indicate that the birds just like to make long
distance caws.
Jan: Also, the "Society Against Weight Loss" has released a petition
calling for a ban on all dieting.
Jon: Yes, their catch slogan is, "A waist is a terrible thing to mind."
Tan: On a lighter note, it has been reported that a pair of sparrows
had nested in the rafters at the church in Quadra Island.
Apparently, the birds would jump around, pecking and flapping,
creating a terrible disturbance during Sunday morning service.
Jan: That's right. The church was at a loss as to how to get rid of the
rambunctious birds, until the Pastor hit upon the bright idea of
luring the birds away from the building by placing an ice cream
cone in the adjacent tree. The sparrows immediately flew to the
tree to enjoy the golden wafer treat.
Jon: (pause) Sounds like a simple case of stilling two birds with one's cone
.
Tan: Police in Uclulet have been unable to track down a criminal who has
been shooting down seagulls with a slingshot.
Jon: They'd better find him soon, or he'll leave no tern unstoned.
Jan: A man from Nanoose Bay was hurt badly last night when thrown from
his horse.
Jon: Doctors say he's in _stable_ condition.
Tan: Who says no one from Vancouver Island ever makes it big? John
Smith from Comox hopes to gain fame and fortune by teaching
barnyard animals how to do math . . . . . (looks at Jon) . . . . \
I suppose you probably have some advice for him?
Jon: Well, just don't hatch your chickens before they count.
(Jan and Tan groan)
Jan: History was made today as the Canadian Premiers held their annual
meeting, not all in one place, but all from their respective homes
by using a conference call. Unfortunately, not much was accomplished,
as the meeting broke into pointless squabbling.
Jon: Sounds to me like they were just arguing from different premises.
Tan: And the year's first Siamese twins were born yesterday in eastern
Canada. There were no life threating complications during birth,
but unfortunately both of the twin boys will be deaf for life.
Jon: So whatever you say to them will go in one ear and out the brothers?
Tan: (pause) . . . . something like that.
Jan: Canada, after spending so many years out of the space race, has
finally decided to enter in. Jean Chretian says he is hoping Canada
can accomplish something that has never been done before, and that
is to put cows in space. Plans were released today for a four year
plan that would culminate in a Canadian shuttle blasting off in the
year 1999 carrying twelve head of cattle into orbit.
Jon: It will be known as the herd shot round the world.
Tan: And in sports, rumors surfaced today that before Vancouver Canucks
tough guy Gino Odjick made it big in the NHL, he was forced to work
afternoons at the local mall doing promotions as the Energizer Bunny,
in order to make ends meet.
Jon: I guess the moral of this story is hare today, goon tomorrow.
Tan: That's enough!!!!!! (Points to exit) Go! We've had enough of your
disruptions.
Jon: Well, fine then. I'll just make like a tree and leaf!
(Tan and Jan chase Jon out)
