General Hospital
(scene opens with Mrs. Cripes, Desmond, Jaqueline and Sally sitting in the
waiting room reading magazines, etc. Desmond is not reading, and sits
tensely, obviously nervous)
Mrs. Cripes: Nervous?
Desmond: (nods) Yeah...yeah, I am.
Mrs. Cripes: First time?
Desmond: No, no...I've been nervous lots of times.
(Mrs. Cripes almost responds, then thinks better of it and goes back to
her book)
Jaqueline: Hey, Sally...that's a nice locket.
Sally: (smiles) Thank you.
Jaqueline: Do you carry a momento in it?
Sally: Yeah, I carry a lock of my Daniel's hair in it.
Jaqueline: (looks confused) But I thought you said Daniel was still alive....?
Sally: (very serious) Oh, yes, he is. (pause) but his hair is all gone.
(after laughter, Desmond suddenly holds head in hands and groans in pain.
Mrs. Cripes notices, and after a few seconds asks:)
Mrs. Cripes: Headache?
Desmond: (looks up, still obviously in pain) No thanks...I already have one
(holds head in hands again)
(Mrs. Cripes deadpans to the audience, then goes back to her book)
Sally: (to Jaqueline) I just can't believe how you manage to stay looking so
young...I mean, you don't look a day over 30!
Jaqueline: (looks at Sally, not pleased) I'm 28
Sally: Oh....
(an awkward pause follows...finally Mrs. Cripes interjects to try and lighten
the atmosphere)
Mrs. Cripes: Well, I'm so old that when I was a little girl the Dead Sea was
only sick.
Desmond: (to Sally, after laughter) What are you here for?
(Sally is about to answer, then gets a confused look on her face)
Sally: I can't remember.
Jaqueline: Is it your memory, by any chance?
Sally: (snaps fingers) That's it! I used to have a photographic memory, you
know.
Mrs. Cripes: What happened?
Sally: It was never developed. (pause for laughter, then asks Desmond) Why
are you here?
Desmond: I'm a walking economy.
(other three react, "huh?", "what?", etc.)
Desmond: Yup...my hairline's receeding, my waist is a victim of inflation
and together they've put me into a deep depression. (waits for laughter,
then asks Jaqueline) And you?
Jaqueline: I have a terrible pain in my stomach.
Sally: (rolls her eyes and says to Desmond and Mrs. Cripes) Don't believe a
word of it...she's so psychosomatic she gets sick just thinking about it.
(waits for laughter, then says to Mrs. Cripes) How about you?
Mrs. Cripes: I'm just here for counselling.
Desmond: What for?
Mrs. Cripes: Well, I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
(sighs)
(Nurse Staddlemeyer enters)
Nurse Staddlemeyer: Mr. Jones?
Desmond: That's me (rises and goes to nurse)
Nurse Staddlemeyer: You need a hospital gown...what size do you wear?
Desmond: (clears his throat) ummm....extra medium (smiles hopefully...Nurse
Staddlemeyer is not amused)
Nurse Staddlemeyer: I'll see if we have one in the back. There's also a
mistake here on your information form.
Desmond: Where?
Nurse Staddlemeyer: (showing Desmond her clipboard) Right there...where it
says, "In case of emergency, notify"
Desmond: (looks at clipboard) What's the problem?
Nurse Staddlemeyer: You said, "A doctor!"
Desmond: Yeah...well, what good is my mother going to do?
Nurse Staddlemeyer: (sighs) This way, please.
(Desmond follow Nurse Staddlemeyer off stage, Mrs. Cripes, Sally and
Jaqueline get up and exit opposite side at same time)
(throughout next sections, the people involved in each exchange will enter
the stage, carry out the dialogue, then exit, as if they were walking
together or had a chance meeting in the hallway. As one group is leaving,
the next should be entering at the same time and be ready to begin
dialogue by the time the audience has stopped any laughing (or groaning)
they may have done for the previous group)
Dr. Winters: Snap out of it! Sometimes these things happen.
Dr. Waters: What?!? He came in with a common nasal infection and I amputated
his leg!!!
Dr. Winters: You've got to stop blaming yourself
Dr. Waters: (thinks about this for a second, then shrugs shoulders) Okay.
Let's go get some lunch!
Dr. Winters: Sounds good.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Welters: Well, I have good news and I have bad news.
Shelly: What's the good news?
Dr. Welters: You have 24 hours to live
Shelly: What?!? That's horrible! What's the bad news?
Dr. Welters: I've been trying to call you since yesterday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nurse Loni: (filling out form) Are you right handed or left handed?
Jessica: Both, actually.
Nurse Loni: Really? Wow...I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Walkers: Well, think of it this way. You do have mono...but imagine
imagine how much worse it would be if you had stereo.
(Andrea nods seriously)
Andrea: So how long will I be in surgery?
Dr. Walkers: The whole time.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maria: I don't read health books anymore.
Alyssa: Why not?
Maria: I'm afraid I'll die of a misprint.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nurse Loni: Doctor! There are seven people in the waiting room who claim
a giant cockroach beat them up!
Dr. Waters: Yes, I know. There's a nasty bug going around.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Dr. Walkers, Dr. Welters and Nurse Staddlemeyer enter and look down at
hospital bed)
Dr. Walkers: She looks pretty good, eh?
Nurse Staddlemeyer: What?!? You fool...the woman in for plastic surgery was
in room 12 B...this is room 10 A!!!
Dr. Walkers: Oh...
(all three look down at bed for another long second)
Dr. Walkers: Well, uh....do you think he'll like it?
Nurse Staddlemeyer: (after laughter) You are such a boor!
Dr. Welters: Now, hold on a second. Dr. Winters is a very respectful man.
Dr. Walkers: Yeah!
Nurse Staddlemeyer: He is?
Dr. Walkers: I am?
Dr. Welters: Yes, he is. Why, last week when we were out playing golf, a
funeral procession drove by, and Dr. Winters stopped in the middle of his
tee shot, took off his hat and waited in solemn silence until the hearse
had passed before continuing the game.
Nurse Staddlemeyer: Well...I'm impressed. That is quite honorable.
Dr. Walkers: Yeah, well, it's the least I could do after 25 years of marriage
Nurse Staddlemeyer: (rolling her eyes) Men! (stomps off)
Dr. Walkers: (as the two doctors begin to leave) What's her problem?
(Dr. Welters shrugs)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Winters: So, tell me, Mrs. Hughs. If you could know exactly when and how
you were going to die, would you want to?
Mrs. Hughs: (thinks for a few seconds, then shakes her head) No, I don't
think so.
Dr. Winters: (surprised) Oh...ummm.....never mind, then.
(Mrs. Hughs looks puzzled as the two exit)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nurse Loni: You know what bugs me? They tell me to keep the OR at room
temperature...well, that's pretty dumb...no matter what temperature a room
is, it's going to be room temperature, right?
Desmond: (looks at Nurse Loni, stunned by her sheer - dare we say - stupidity.
after a pause, says) I'm sorry...did you say something?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pamela: Excuse me...are you the veterinarian?
Vet: Yes, I am
Pamela: Good...you see, these birds keep building nests in the mane of my horse.
Do you know how I could keep them out?
Vet: Sure...just sprinkle some yeast on the horse's mane
Pamela: (finds this somewhat hard to believe) And...this will stop the birds
from building their nests there?
Vet: Sure thing
Pamela: Why?
Vet: Why? Why?!? Because yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane
shall tweet!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kyle: Hey, look...it's the guys from the mortuary!
Kelly: Hey, guys...how's business?
Igor: Oh...it's pretty dead.
Kyle: Really? I heard customers were just dying to see you
Elsa: Yes, well the finances are looking a little grave right now
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Dr. Walkers and Dr. Waters sit back to back in chairs center stage with
clipboards in their hands as if in separate offices. Patients enter one
after the other from alternating sides)
Patient 1: Doctor...how often do patients undergoing this treatment die?
Dr. Waters: Only once
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient 2: Doc! It hurts when I poke myself anywhere on my body! What's
wrong with me?
Dr. Walkers: I believe your finger is broken
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient 3: (very frenzied) Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!
Dr. Waters: Now, now....calm down. You'll just have to be a little patient
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient 4: Doc, I keep having this recurring dream that I'm a deck of cards
Dr. Walkers: Hmmm...shuffle over there. I'll deal with you later.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient 5: Doctor! People ignore me!
Dr. Waters: Next!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nurse Loni: Excuse me, doctor. There's a man in the lobby who claims he's
invisible
Dr. Walkers: (distracted) Well, you'll just have to tell him I can't see him
right now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Waters: (after patient enters) Ahhh....did you sleep well?
Patient 6: Nah...I made a few mistakes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient 7: Doctor!!! I only have 30 seconds to live!!!
Dr. Walkers: (distracted) Be with you in a minute.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient 8: Hey, doc...I'm a real honest guy, but _everybody_ thinks I'm
lying all the time.
Dr. Waters: Now, now...I find that hard to believe.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient 9: What's wrong with me, doc?
Dr. Walkers: You have amnesia and deja vu at the same time
Patient 9: (a look of understanding crossing his face) Yeah....I think I've
forgotten this before!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient 10: Doctor! You've got to help me!
Dr. Waters: What's the problem?
Patient 10: It's my husband...he's feverish!
Dr. Waters: Hmm...does he talk to himself when he's alone?
Patient 10: I don't know...I've never been with him when he's alone.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient 11: What's the prognosis, doctor?
Dr. Walkers: You have six months to live
Patient 11: Six months!?!? Is there any way to make it longer?
Dr. Walkers: (thinking) Well...you could find yourself a wife and move to
Nanoose Bay
Patient 11: Nanoose Bay....? A wife....? Will that make me live longer?
Dr. Walkers: No...but it sure will seem like it, son.
