PAIGEI tried not to think about why she had changed her mind, then I would see the inner core of her soul and all her plans. She probably thought that I would trip up or Jay would be unable to resist the knives and then she�d be able to lock him away for good. Sighed and ran my fingers over Jay�s head. I couldn�t pretend that I was playing with his hair, because that was gone. He was sleeping with his head in my lap. The ride home had been silent, he hardly looked up from his hands. But now he was here, and with me, I wanted to think that that would be enough. I knew it wasn�t.
Ryan and Bobby must have been constantly pleading my case with her, I wondered how I would ever repay them. They had gone to bed hours earlier. The thumping had, for the most part, stopped.
His hand twitched and the fingers clenched over mine. I wanted to think that he would be okay without the huge bag of drugs that sat in the kitchen, but if I didn�t give them to him he would revert to the creature that cried non-stop and and... Blood filled my vision. I didn�t need to think about that. There were still stains in the hall, I didn�t want to think about how long he had laid there. The wounds had healed, but the scars were still raw and red. How would we explain them away? Then again, I didn�t think that we would be doing anything in the public eye for a while. Jay still looked like a prison escapee and I...I hadn�t taken care of myself in a long time. My legs were falling asleep. Kissed his cheek gently and he woke up and smiled drowsily at me.
�Time for bed.� He nodded and we went upstairs.
JAY
Somehow I slept the whole night through. I didn�t wake up boiling, shivering, calling for Paige. Underneath the bed didn�t seem as alluring. Curled up next to Paige, kept my arms around him, I couldn�t let him go, couldn�t let him out of my sight. We only had one week. I had to make it count.
Woke up the next morning with him staring at me. I smiled and kissed him. �What?�
�I just can�t believe you�re here.� he whispered. I nodded.
�It seems like a cruel dream...but I never want to wake up.�
�Would you stop talking like that? I�d like to think that you�re getting better.� Oh Paige, how naive can you possibly be? I nuzzled into his chest. He sighed and caressed my back. �She�ll let you stay out, I know she will.� I tried to stop my fingers from ripping flesh out of his back in response. He looked down at me in shock. �Jay?�
I didn�t need to start crying again. Bit down on my lip to stop it from quaking. �Please, just don�t get your hopes up.� He pushed my chin up so that I was forced to look him in the eyes. I couldn�t lie to him, and I couldn�t let him lie to himself. My eyes frantically searched for something else to focus on, because if I met his gaze I would shatter.
�It�s alright, Jay. I understand.� I knew he didn�t, however, I didn�t want him to truly understand, because that would have meant that he had been locked away as well.
The week passed quickly, as time often decides to speed up when deadlines approach and oblivion approaches. I don�t really remember what we did, but I assume there was hardly any time when we weren�t together. It must have been the drugs, the pills, the elixirs of illusion that allowed me to pretend that I was sane, that I hadn�t tried to kill myself and that I wasn�t depressed. Paige kept on saying things that alluded to plans to leave the country, but I said nothing. Running would have meant destroying everything, every hallucination of happiness, every hope of ever being together without the constant threat of being discovered and devoured. I accepted my fate. He denied it.
She came the last day, probably to make sure we hadn�t run. I still hid behind Paige when she walked in, but I knew she would get to me eventually. �Well, how have you been getting along?� she asked, tooth enamel bared and painted white.Paige held my hand tightly, maybe a bit too tight, but I didn�t care. Stomach bathed in fire, surrounded in an inferno of anxiety. Could she see the flames reflected in my eyes? �I�m fine.�
�No thoughts of suicide? No attempts?�
�No.� Paige said. �We were together the whole time.�
�I still have to check and see if you�ve hurt yourself.� I nodded. It wouldn�t have been complete without her making me feel like a black tulip in the middle of a field of white. Paige�s fingers slipped from mine one by one as I followed her to the bathroom.
Her eyes took in my body, I closed my own in response. No knives had mated with my cadaverous skin to produce children of red, no glass had caressed my flesh and promised to stay when others had left, no scissors had left triangles of lust that festered and swelled. All that existed was the scars, which had decided to leave blushes of pink in a sea of white.�You didn�t hurt yourself at all?� she said incredulously.
�Not physically.� I wasn�t talking to her at all, the words just flowed without any thought behind them. It seemed that the only things that existed were my stomach and my pain.
Her brows furrowed until she became a gross caricature of a chimpanzee. I was beyond caring. Drops of water plunged to their doom from the shower head. Drew my attention to that.
PAIGE
They came out of the bathroom silent and solemn. Jay�s eyes looked like they were glazed over, but I knew that was from the drugs...the side effects were varied enough that if they all took effect he would be incapable of behaving like a rational being. Her whole demeanor was that of a country that had spent decades preparing for a war it had lost.
�I don�t see any evidence of self-destructive behavior. I guess...� She clenched her teeth and grimaced. �That he can stay here, however, he still has to continue with the therapy.�
I couldn�t restrain my smile. Jay ran over and hugged me, kissed me frantically as if she had said that he had to go back. Finally he just rested his head on my shoulder and sighed.
�I�ll see you on Thursday.� she said, and left.
JAY
I was back in her domain of leather and books, but the balance of power had shifted to a more equal position. Her act was hollow, and not as effective. Mine was all I had left.
�Would you still consider yourself depressed?� Her legs on the table, one foot pointed in some caricature of a ballerina.
My hands were still a mess of gnawed cuticles and dementia, but death was a long way off. �Yes. I�m not as bad as I used to be, but I am depressed, I think I will always be depressed.�
�Define it then.�
Closed eyes and pursed lips, tasted lipstick, stalling for time to think. �It defies definition. I�m not ashamed of it, I know that I have depression. Sometimes it lets me think that I can control it, but I�ll have to live with it for the rest of my life. Some days the only thing that keeps me alive is Paige...and for that I am eternally grateful.� Thought of him anxiously waiting for me in the waiting room, kleenex and hugs waiting, and smiled.
�And your goal in life? Does fame come into it at all?�
�I�m going to make my mark, it won�t be large, it won�t be pretty, but it will stay there forever. I wish I was infinite, but I don�t expect that to happen.� The clock on her desk chimed and I was free.
Paige seemed surprised that I wasn�t crying when I came out, but he wasn�t disappointed. Kissed him deeply, fuck the rest of the patients watching, and then stared into his eyes. I was not going to leave him for death again.
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