4.
Paige tightened his grasp around my neck as he thrust deeper and deeper inside me. I had come long before when he had been gentle and considerate. Now I was lying with my face turned towards the wall, his hands encircling my neck, and his cock pumping in and out of me. My breath was coming in shorter and shorter gaps and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
�P..please stop.� I gasped. My eyes felt like they were going to explode from the pressure and yet he still kept pushing into me. I hadn�t fought him because I thought he would stop when I asked him. Now I had no strength.
With what felt like super-human strength he plunged into me one last time, moaning my name loudly. His hands released and I flopped down onto the mattress, coughing. My chest felt like it had an iron weight on it, holding me down. It seemed like it took hours to catch my breath, but it must have been seconds.
When I came back to myself, Paige was smoking a post coital cigarette and ignoring me. �Please don�t do that I again.� I whispered. My voice sounded so alien. His face went from an expression of contentment to rage. He slammed my face back down into the bed. All I felt was a vague burning as my lungs cried out at this new indignity.
His breath felt hot and heavy against my ears. �You�ll do whatever the fuck I tell you to do, and like it.� He snarled, pushing my head further into the mattress. �Understand?� I nodded reflexively and he let me up. I rolled over, coughing again. Death had to be better than this.
Before I knew it he was holding me and I let him. �I just want what�s best for you.� He whispered, stroking my hair.
The truth is, when Bobby asked me if Paige had ever hit me, I lied.
I awoke with a start, staring out into the perfect dark of my room at Bobby and Ryan�s. I was alone, and nothing was going to happen to me. I laid in bed and smoked a cigarette.
�It looks like you�re healing very well.� the doctor said as he examined the stitches. �Are you feeling all right?�
�The medications seem to be working okay.� I said, taking his cue to put my shirt back on.
�Have you talked to the therapist that I recommended?� He was scrawling something onto my chart. I couldn�t read it from the angle I was sitting at, but I hoped it wasn�t anything about my mental state.
�I haven�t been able to go yet. It...it took me a few hours to work up the nerve to have Bobby drive me here for my appointment.�
�Well, I�m sure you can call him from your home, can�t you?� He paused and took his glasses off so I would know what he had to say was important. �I really think you should, and soon. You�ve undergone a traumatic event, and you need to talk it out with someone or I don�t think you�ll be able to fully recover. Mentally or physically.�
I think I said that I would, but I didn�t really mean it. He smiled. �Jay, I think you�ll be able to get through this. You have to believe that too.� I wanted to break down and tell him just how fucked up my life really was, but I knew he wouldn�t be interested. And the last thing I needed was for him to pity me more.
Bobby had waited out in the car. He was afraid that someone would recognize him. I had wanted him to come in, wanted someone familiar with me to be there, but he had refused.
I made it back to the car with a massive effort. The distance from the door to the passenger side of the car was small, but it stretched out endlessly in my mind. But once I was in the car with him I felt safe.
When we got home I went up to my room. Bobby stayed downstairs. I started digging through the papers I had accumulated since my hospital stay. A crumpled up ball of notebook paper laid on top of the slip the doctor had given me with the therapist�s number on it. Against my will I took it and smoothed it out.
The nurse had given it to me a few hours after I had woken up from the last surgery. The world was still spinning above my hospital bed, but I could still read what he had written.
�Jay- I�m sorry that I have to write this to you, but they said it�s going to be a while before you wake up. I don�t know why you walked down that alley, but you must have done something to make them attack you. You�re always doing stuff that pisses people off or makes you really stand out. I�m surprised this hasn�t happened before. Anyway, the point of this is to tell you that I meant what I said yesterday. This isn�t working out. You don�t listen to me. You�ve never listened to me. I can�t stay with you any more. You attract drama. I wish you the best, but I think we need to see other people. -Paige�
I sighed and folded it up again. An all consuming loneliness settled over me. The one person that I thought understood me and liked me for who I was had dumped me at a whim, it seemed. I couldn�t help thinking that maybe this would have been easier if he had stuck with me, maybe I could have recovered faster, maybe I wouldn�t have even been so badly hurt. My quavering fingers sought out a cigarette.
The phone beside the bed rang and I picked it up automatically. �Hello?�
�Hey, it�s Paige.�
�What do you want?�
�I want to see you. We need to talk.� My heart was pounding at about a thousand beats a second.
�Uh...okay.� I said.
�I�ll be there in a half an hour.� He hung up and I was left staring at the phone.
He came to the door later and all I could do was stare at him. Before he could even begin to talk I started rambling. �I�ll change, I want you back.� I said, staring at his chest.
He reached out and held my shoulders. �What brought this on?�
�I...I read the letter again. I want to be with you again. I miss you.� The words flew out of my mouth. I couldn�t think. When I met his eyes he was grinning. His black hair was spiked up and he had sparkly eyeshadow which made him seem more ethereal. I wanted him to hold me. I felt so alone, and I couldn�t handle the emotions rolling through my body. He kissed me and his lips were so soft. I grabbed him and pulled me closer.
�Jay, I�m sorry I wrote that letter. I�m sorry that I gave up on you. I want things to go back to the way they were.� His hands slid up under my shirt, cold and clammy. I gasped and held him tighter. �You�ll always be mine.� he whispered into my ear.
It was only later when he had tied my wrists to the headboard and was fucking me from behind so that with each thrust my head thunked into it that I understood how stupid I was and how desperate for attention I was. He could get me to do just about anything he wanted and I didn�t see anything wrong with it until much later. He could ignore me and pay attention when and if he wanted to, while I was left all alone.
His hands started to crawl around my neck.
I was just as bad as Bobby.