RYANHe was disgusting. Trying to make himself into some androgynous creature that had no business existing. And I had to suck up to him and pretend that everything was okay, that I liked his constant posturing and preening. Because it had always been obvious to me that I didn�t fit in and that they could replace me if they truly wanted to. Well, Bobby would probably miss me...maybe Amir. I caught him looking at me in a way that wasn�t friendship a couple of times...it made me almost want to puke. But on the other hand it was flattering.
But Jay...Jay was the root of it all. The one who made everyone change. The one who was gradually working on me to get me to put on more makeup and primp and create a new personality out of eyeliner and lipgloss. At the beginning, I was going to go along with it, but then Bobby, Bobby, the only one who seemed to have some sense left...well, he started to acquiesce and change. And suddenly I lost a friend, a person to go out and scope out girls with. Not because he settled down with anyone or had a girlfriend. No, it was because he suddenly was fucking a man. Normally I would have been okay with it. It was who he was fucking.
Smoke spilled out of lips that were too full for a man and too tortured for a woman. Silver painted over them and mingled with the clear glass that he was holding. He wasn�t looking at me, but was staring at the wall. I walked into the room quietly, closing the door behind me. Somewhere along the way he had decided that his hair looked better with small spikes of pretension. He could have just left them as horns of hatred for me. I would have liked that. It would have made things so much easier.
I came up behind him and then touched his shoulder gently. �Jay, can I talk to you for a minute?�
He sighed and put his glass down, then put out his cigarette. Tension caressed his shoulders and then settled in the small of his back. He turned his head and looked at me. �Sure. What�s up?�
�I just don�t like the direction that this is going in.� I said. Had to start out reasonable so that I could blame it all on him when things soured. �I�m not sure that I really want to wear all the makeup and shit...act like you want me to.�
Jay said nothing and kept on looking at the wall. �That�s not what�s bothering you, is it?� he said softly. An eyebrow raised and his hand crept over mine. I moved my fingers back at a speed languid enough that he thought that I was teasing. Perfect. Now I had an alibi.
�Jay...I think we both know what�s bothering me.� I said. Double meanings, triple meanings, all layered together in those few words. His smile widened and he stood up. I had to look up a bit to see his eyes, but not so much that it was uncomfortable.
�You�re wondering what I�m like in bed.� he whispered, leaning in towards me. I said nothing and let him lick at my neck. �Is that it?�
I let his breath envelop me, fumes of vodka and nicotine, unbrushed teeth and sex. Then cool metal against his neck, right over the jugular. He paid no attention, perhaps thinking that it was a necklace. I pushed it in a bit, letting a little bead of blood travel down the side and fall off the lip. �Don�t say a word or I�ll make sure that you never talk again. Just sit down, okay?� His eyes were somewhat frightened, but there lingered some lust. Perhaps he thought this was just a kinky game. Fine, let him continue thinking that. �You�ve been fucking Bobby, haven�t you?� I demanded.
He stared at me, the gears clanking in his skull. He wasn�t always the smartest person you could talk to. But that didn�t matter right at the moment. �No.� he whispered, letting the blade cut into his flesh.
I was tiring of this stupid game. �Then he�s been fucking you?� Of course, Jay would never want to be a top...he was too much of a behind the scenes manipulator for that. Too obvious, and Jay was beyond being obvious. He nodded. �I guess you want to know what my problem is, don�t you?� I paused and circled around his neck with the knife, enjoying how he winced and pinched his eyes closed. �Everything was perfect before you got all girly...� He opened his mouth to protest but I stopped that with a semi-deep cut. �Bobby was a GUY before you had your way with him. I don�t care if he�s still the guy when he fucks you, but...� Jay grabbed my hand and pushed the knife away. Instantly I was on him again, and had my arm around his neck, the knife gently running over his cheek