JAYPurple glow...it filled my mouth and spilled out of my lips, spurting into little fountains of flame. My tongue was growing and filling my mouth, I could feel my breath struggling to be free. Worms of hatred and desire crawling over my flesh, nothing was real. Fingers clutched sheets that seemed to be made of stone and about as fragile as paper. They covered me with a sheen of concrete, a carapace of delusion. Then everything turned a shade of blue, blue sweat seeped from my pores and dribbled down my nose.
�Jay?� Voice shattered existence. I watched as my face dissolved and turned into space, my eyes melted and splattered into the sink. The sheet exploded, revealing my cursed flesh, tattoos burning a shade of red, scarring my skin and combusting into seared hunks of skin. �What are you doing over there? Fuck, you didn�t even get dressed?� Hand on my shoulder, but it looked like a snake searching for succor. Resistance was futile as it guided me to reality. Blood red eyes and a tongue of ice that lapped at my collarbone. All I could do was shiver, all it did was creep down towards my stomach and towards parts unexplored. �Jay?�
Human eyes in front of me, impossible shades of pink and yellow, shining in a face that constantly shifted. Tried to squint but found that it only made things more blurry, it only made things expand and turn to random associations...pixels on a computer screen. Stopped trying to have things make sense. Because, in the end, nothing did. All he was was a shadow of a demon, a manifestation of my imagination. But I soon forgot that. For a brief moment, I saw his true face, his true features. Betrayer, defiler, destroyer, lover, fucker, friend. �What...� Teeth seemed about to splinter as tongue gently caressed them.
�Who fucked you last night?� Coarse words coming from a mouth that had held my cock so many times that I thought it should permanently be in place. Memories that faded into phases of �just friends� and then �let�s fuck our brains out�.
�An angel. Wings of pain and pleasure, arms of desire and destruction, face of infinite understanding, cock of hatred, diluted with a mixture of semen and blood.� I whispered. Remembered the angel, the divine ecstasy, his face above mine, my face reflected in his pupilless eyes, his lips coated with sacred lipstick, wings unfurled behind him in spires of feathery crimson. Remembered the feeling of him inside me. My eyes closed without any reason to, tongue licked at my lips.
�No Jay...you have to remember who exactly it was. It wasn�t an angel. It was someone you know.� He shook me, trying to deny his complicity.
�I don�t know who it was!� I screamed, pushing back on him. �All the voices keep on asking me who it was...� His hand on my forehead, desperate to peel back the insanity.
�Could you just say that it wasn�t me at least? Because we both know it wasn�t. Right?�
�I know, I know it wasn�t you.� Pause as his lips found my neck, he bit down gently, his hand peeled back the sheet. �Who are you?�
BOBBYJay slept in the middle of our bed, lying on his back, his head turned to the side on a few of the pillows. His eyes flickered underneath their lids, his hands clenched and released, Amir had painted his nails the color of Tide detergent bottles. Tendons stark against his pale flesh, rippling underneath sweat-painted skin. Most of the cats were in there with him, making him look like a bird in a multi-colored and bastardized nest. I closed the door silently and walked back to the kitchen and living area.
Ryan was sitting on the couch and smoking. I had almost forgotten what it smelled like. It rasped on my throat and almost made me choke. I wanted it. He said nothing as I reached into the pack he had left on the table and lit one. It rested against my bottom lip until I decided to take a drag. Let it rip all I knew to shreds. I sat down next to him.He continued to stare at the carpet, rolling his toes in and out nervously. �Does Amir always act like that?�
�If we had enough money to afford some pills, he wouldn�t. But we don�t.�
Ryan shot forward and his eyes bugged out. �What?!� Maybe he was really worried. Maybe he was just faking it. I voted for the latter.
Another drag and I sank back into the sofa. �He had a nervous breakdown after you left. He had the idea that you liked him, that you were gonna be his one true love. He wouldn�t hear anything about replacing you...not like we would have anyway. Anyway, he swallowed pretty much everything in the medicine cabinet and he�s been like this ever since.� I remembered how Amir had been before, somewhat sane and with a control over his emotions. Now he was like a twelve year old on speed. �That�s why we have all the cats. They used to all be named Ryan...but he�s branching out.�
I would have thought that he would have started crying or looked more guilty. But he didn�t. His whole attitude seemed to be that it would have happened anyway. Couldn�t blame him for that, I suppose. �And you decided to be a mechanic?�
I laughed. �Oh yeah, that�s something you just decide to do... No. We went all through the classifieds. These are the jobs we ended up with. Just barely keeps us in food.�
�But surely Jay has some money. Enough to afford something to lower his fever.�
�He�s only got enough to pay the rent. It�s the cats you see, he can�t stay in the same room with them for long. He comes over here to eat. We pool all our money together most of the time. Somehow he manages to squirrel enough away to buy lube though...� Waited for him to nod in affirmation and betray where he had been last night, but there was only a blank acceptance.
�There are other ways to make money,� was all he said. Blue eyes had turned grey over the years. I had lost track of how many it had been since he left.
�Selling yourself? You�ve done pretty well for yourself in that department I guess.� I said. �All you�ve got is the clothes on your back and all the shit in your backpack.�
�I gave it up along the way.� He put out his cigarette with his fingers and then put it back in the pack.
�Why did you come back?�
He smiled to himself and sighed. �Bobby...I�ve been asking myself that question ever since I came here. Things have changed, and not necessarily for the better.� Nothing for a few seconds, then he patted his backpack. �But everything will be perfect once I leave.�
I said nothing. It was obvious what he meant. He was going to kill someone. Like I didn�t know. Everything was wrapped up in those three days, the day he talked to Jay, the day he fucked me, the day he left.
Steeled eyes, dead eyes, all the life had gone. �I�m going out for a while.� he said and then shouldered his backpack and left.
I sat there for a while longer, enjoying the cigarette. Grew tired of that and went to look in at Jay. He was still asleep, his features relaxed and drenched in sweat. Everything needed explaining, and Jay was the one with all the answers. Or at least the only one who could be forced to tell.
PAIGEHis eyes were focused, his breath was normal, the sweat no longer shone with disease. The room didn�t smell like sickness. I slid into the bed beside him, kissing at his cheeks. He smiled at me weakly. �Are you feeling better?� I asked.
A weak whisper. �A bit.� He turned onto his side, inadvertently disturbing a few of the cats who stretched out and yawned. �Why am I over here?�
�You�ve had a pretty bad fever for the past couple of days.� He was rubbing frantically at his forehead, perhaps trying to make himself focus. �Do you remember anything?�
�No, not really.� His hands went from his head down his chest...nearing his cock. His eyes closed. �Vague glimpses...someone fucking me I think.� A weary glance at me, hope lingered. We hadn�t done anything in a long while. I shook my head.
�Someone broke into your apartment. We aren�t sure who yet.�
�Amir?� voice laden with dread. He always tried to stay as far away from Amir as possible. Even before Amir had tried to fuck him on the kitchen floor.
�No. Well, at least I don�t think it was Amir.� One of the cats leaned its chin on his ankle. He glared at it and shook himself free. �It could have been anyone.� Another hopeful gaze. �Except me.�
�Fuck.� he whispered, covering his face.
�And Ryan�s back.� Instantly he was in the corner of the room shivering and looking like if I mentioned Ryan�s name again he would jump out of the window. �What�s wrong?!�
�Ryan...Ryan Shuck?� he asked, eyes pleading with me to just say someone else�s name.
�Yeah. You remember him, right?� No reply. �He found you outside wandering when you had a fever and then you...�
�We don�t have to keep on talking about this, do we?� he asked, �He�s not still here is he?�
�Well, he�s been staying here for a few days.� He started mumbling to himself and scratching at his arms. �Jay...what�s wrong?!�
His focus changed from the bed to me. �Paige, please, just make him go away!� he cried, grabbing onto me and hugging me desperately.
�Why?!� I exclaimed. �Does it have to do with why he left?� His eyes were wild and he tried to pull out of my arms which soon became a prison. I forced him to look at me. �Jay, I won�t tell anyone else, please, just tell me.� I begged. �Ryan has a butcher knife, I don�t want him to kill you if that�s what he�s here to do.� He struggled for a few more minutes and then stopped as he realized that he couldn�t get free.
�Fine. I�ll tell you.� He looked at me slowly, as if he was just saying it so that he could worm away. �But you�ll hate me afterwards.�
�Look, I promise I won�t say anything until after I hear the whole story. I can�t promise that I won�t hate you if you did something wrong.� Tried to make him calm down. He breathed heavily for a few minutes and then began.