DECEIVED
JAYI should never have done this. My head is burning up and my nose feels like it’s full of shit. Concentrating is so hard, everything floats in a haze of cold induced clouds. Can’t even tell where I am half the time. I just wanted a drink... Was that why I went out? I can barely remember my name, let alone why I’m here....wherever here is.
Stumble into an alley and lean against the wall. My forehead seems to be boiling, but the bricks are making it better. Roll around so that I’m facing the other wall. A few frayed posters are there from some old ass movies, some trash cans. Where am I? I rub the sweat from my forehead and slide down the wall. If I could remember more than a few fragments of my existence and why I’m wandering around, maybe I could go somewhere to feel better. People must care about me, I can remember that I have friends, but none of their faces are coming into focus right now.
Did I do some drugs? Can’t remember... I close my eyes and lean into the wall, trying to keep my forehead against new spots of chill. They only last about five seconds before they’re warm. Am I that sick?
“Hey man, are you okay?” a low voice, some vague forms that blur in and out of focus. But I think it’s only one person.
All that comes out of my mouth is a vague whimpering. Then a cold hand against my forehead, I can feel some sort of fingerless gloves. Rub into it against my will. Am I so far gone that anything that will take this away is acceptable? Apparently so. He’s digging in my pants pockets, trying to get my wallet. I bat at him weakly, but he’s flipping through it quickly, pulling out my driver’s license.
“Jay Gordon? That you?” Like I’m a pickpocket or something...or look like I’d need a fake ID. My eyes are sliding closed, I can feel the sweat dribbling down my cheeks. “You don’t live that far away...let me take you home.” Brief shock as his hands touch me, I don’t want to be touched, it feels wrong somehow, oh fuck fuck fuck...
He’s got me in his arms, I’m clinging to him, rubbing my face against his shoulder. He smells of the street and paint and dust and cats. His face hovers above mine, constantly wobbling and jiggling in the night air. So hot...why am I wearing so many layers of clothes? My fingers catch in the loose buttons of his layers, almost strangling in the fabric.
The night air hits my face, giving me brief relief. I want this to end, I really need to be awake and not sick again. I don’t even know who he is.
He gets the keys out of my pants and opens the door, then takes me inside and finds my bedroom, lying me down in the bed. The sheets are so cold against my skin, I lean into them and try to rediscover what normal skin temperature is. Fail. Oh gods, what did I do to deserve this?
And that man is still in the room. Is he going to kill me now? Please tell me he isn’t...
“Someone’s gonna come and check on you, right?” I nod weakly, I know that I have friends...just can’t remember their names right now. “Alright then, I’m gonna go. I hope you feel better.” The lights dimmed and I was left alone in darkness with the heat and the frantic thoughts that he knew who I was and where I lived...why had I gone out? I couldn’t remember...
Click of a key in the lock woke me up the next day. I rolled over and stared at the door. The knob turned slowly and then someone came in. It wasn’t the man from last night, I would have been able to tell by his smell. This was someone else. Blue eyes, black hair framing his face, dressed all in black, a choker around his neck. Seemed so familar.“Hey Jay...fuck man, what did you do in here?!” he said, waving at the air. I smelled a bit of the man’s odor from last night. “It smells like a dump!” I watched him go in to the bathroom and putter about for a bit. “Let’s see if your fever went down at all.” Thermometer pushed into my mouth, my head doesn’t feel like it’s boiling anymore, but I can still feel a dull heat. Finally his name came back to me.
“Paige?” I asked around the thermometer.
“Just wait until it beeps okay?” He smiled at me patronizingly. Narrowed my eyes at him. He’s my best friend, he’s been coming over every day since I’ve been sick. “Wait a minute! When I left last night you weren’t wearing all this! Did you go out?” Nod at him weakly. “Jay! You were over 100 degrees last night!” He started to pace around the room worriedly. “You could have been killed! How did you get back here?” The thermometer beeped. He snatched it out of my mouth and tsked over it. “Well, it’s getting better. But how did you get back?”
“Man from alley...” I whispered.
If anything, that only made him angrier. I didn’t remember Paige being this anal before. It was only a...oh wait, it was dangerous. Thought was just so far away that it didn’t bear mentioning. “Fuck, I’m staying here tonight to make sure you don’t get into any more trouble!”
“Didn’t get into trouble..he just took me home.” I mumbled. “Don’t know why you’re getting so angry.”
“You’re hardly in a position to know what kind of person he was! Maybe he’s a serial killer or a rapist or something...I guess I’m going to have to lock you in here, aren’t I?”
Leaned back into the pillows and drift. I know I need to be locked up, I can’t trust myself. I don’t even remember why I was out last night. Wish I could think clearly, remember who he was. Vague pictures kept on filling my vision, dirty blond hair, eyebrow ring, blue eyes, floating floating, his hands around me. The smell of death and decay, of hard living and sweat. He was probably a homeless person and is probably long gone on his homeless way.
When I looked up, Paige was gone. Heard some shit moving around in the other room, that must be where he went. I’m drowning in fever, suffering in silence, I know that I used to be well. What happened? Vague snatches of having a cold, of filling up waste basket after waste basket with kleenex and then things worsening. Coughing myself to sleep, lungs filling with fluid, Paige taking pity on me and staying with me during the day. Other faces...other places...but none of that is really sinking in right now.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll get Paige to let me go outside and look for him.