38. “Reality”The hotel mirror had a spot where it seemed like two dimensions were coming into contact. My head bulged and looked different in the glass. I think I had noticed it last night when it seemed like my forehead moved two inches down and my eyes didn’t align. My finger traced the mirror...you really couldn’t tell that it was fucked up like that, it was still as smooth as ever. I had almost expected to have my hand go through into another dimension. And if it had...I don’t think I would have resisted the urge to just step through and disappear.
Then my eyes caught a piece of paper lying on the night stand. Shane had called. I didn’t think it was for any greater reason, probably just to needle at me. But I didn’t have anything else to do. Paige and Amir had gone off with Ryan. I hadn’t. I mean, Jay had drunk himself to this...or at least to the point where he needed it to survive. It would have been stupid to ignore that and just go off and pretend that nothing had happened. My line itched, I scratched at it while I dialed Shane’s number. They all had scarred over, but they still cried out for friends.
After the hellos and shit like that, Shane got to the point. “I’m really sorry about what happened to Jay. Do you want me to send you anything?”
I was quiet for a while. Everyone was acting like this was the biggest tragedy ever and I was the weeping widow left behind. But I wasn’t. I felt like I could understand all of this, I felt like this wasn’t as bad as everyone made it out to be. Jay was still alive, wasn’t he? He still loved me, I wasn’t going to leave... “No, I’m okay. Thanks for offering though. Is Gavin okay?”
“Well, he’s been wondering where you are, but I told him that Jay’s sick, so he sort of understands. Do you want to talk to him?” she asked. I nodded, then remembered that I was on the phone.
“It’s not gonna get him all excited is it? I don’t want to...” But I heard the phone being juggled and then the harsh breath of someone else, someone who didn’t know how close to hold the receiver.
“It’s your Daddy.” I heard in the background.
“Daddy?” Gavin ventured.
“Yeah, it’s me.” I said with as much happiness as I could muster after not sleeping very well even with sleeping pills.
“Is Jay okay?” he asked.
“He’ll be okay...but I don’t know when they’ll let him out of the hospital. I’ll be back home soon, okay?”
“Okay.”
I tried to think of something to say. “So...how are you? Anything cool happen?”
“No. Mommy’s been crying a lot though. Terence went somewhere for his job. So we’ve been spending more time together.”
Oh gods, had I fucked up Shane too? “Can you give the phone back to Mommy now?”
“I miss you.” he whispered.
“I love you Gavin, and I will come back soon.” I didn’t dare say anything else or I’d get him all excited and Shane wouldn’t be able to get him to go to bed. And I didn’t want to get too excited myself or all hell would break loose.
“I’m sorry, sometimes he doesn’t know what he’s saying.” Shane said, laughing weakly.
“Shane, are you okay?” I asked.
“It was so easy to hate you at the beginning, but now I really can’t. Just promise me that if Jay dies you won’t do something stupid.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Not even so that Gavin gets to know his real father?”
“I can’t do that Shane. Jay...I’d die for him.”
She sighed and when she started talking again her voice was strained. “I knew you’d say that. Well, thanks for calling back.” she said.
“Yeah...bye.” The phone clicked back into the receiver. I sighed and went over to Paige’s bag and pulled out the sleeping pills. They would be so easy to overdose on, but I knew that it wouldn’t be a peaceful death. Vomiting and shitting myself didn’t really seem like the last thing I wanted to do before I died. I only took one and curled up in the unused bed. Everything was so fucking cold.
“I’m not hungry.” I heard in the hallway. Peeked in the room. Jay was lying on his side facing away from the nurse who had her hands on her hips as if she was going to make him eat one way or the other.“Do you really want to be force-fed again?” He shook his head. “Then you’d better show me that you can eat something or else I can have that tube in here.”
“I’ll get him to eat.” I said from the doorway. Jay sat up and looked like he would come over and knock me over if the tubes and nurse weren’t in the way. It had been so long since I’d seen him smile. Like, not a posed smile...and even those were rare. Everyone wanted him to be aloof and mysterious, so he was. It meant the world to me to know that he didn’t lump me in with everyone.
The nurse eyed me. “You look like you could stand to eat something yourself.” Very true. “I’ll leave you to it then, but I’d better be able to see that he’s eaten something or I’ll have to...”
“Thanks.” I said, cutting off the repeat mention of force-feeding. She left without really looking back.
“I don’t want to eat.” he said. I noticed that his right arm was untied, perhaps he had proven that he wasn’t going to try and rip the bandages off again.
“I don’t either. But we’re going to.” I took the top off of the platter. Steam blinded me momentarily, and then the forms of some limp broccoli and other dead vegetables confronted me. Jay took one look and sighed. A sort of dry looking lump of chicken was fondling a few dead stalks of broccoli and a little mound of mashed potatoes. “Damn, they don’t make eating easy, do they?” I said, laughing weakly. He just sighed again and sat up.
“Isn’t there some way we could just flush it down the toilet?” he asked.
The idea was appealing. “Yeah, but we do have to eat.” He narrowed his eyes at me, as if finally noticing that I hadn’t eaten well in a long time either. I poked at the chicken with the blunt knife. Nothing sharp could be around Jay I guess, even though everyone still thought that it was a stunt. A clear juice spilled out and it seemed to deflate. I cut it up anyway, making little pieces that dribbled preserving fluid.
For a brief second cold met my flesh, then he grabbed my wrist. His hand almost fully closed...I had lost more weight than I thought possible. My hand easily encircled his wrist. Our eyes met. “Was it worth it?” he asked.
“Leaving you? No. I don’t think anything was worth that.” I said. I picked up the fork with a piece of almost white chicken on it and contemplated it. “Do you want to go first?”
He laughed and took it away from me. “Sure.” I watched as he chewed thoughtfully, then as the muscles in his throat contracted and he swallowed. He gagged.
“That bad?” I picked up and piece and ate it. Well, if something could taste more like ash than ash itself, I guess this was it. Maybe it was just because I hadn’t eaten in a while. He watched as I struggled to get it down. I made an executive decision and then went and threw it all in the toilet and flushed it.
“Thanks.” he said softly.
“Yeah, well...you do need to eat.” He opened his mouth to say something. “I know I need to eat too.” I sat down in the chair next to the bed and then leaned over onto his bed. His hand, still cold as hell, gently ran through my hair. “Are you feeling any better?”
He sighed. “I don’t know what they did to sew my wrist back up, but I can barely move my fingers without feeling like I’m going to rip my arm off.”
“Did you tell them that?” I moved so that I could see his face. He shrugged.
“Yeah. But they don’t really listen to me. I mean, I’m hopped up on more drugs here than I was on tour.”
“Um...sir? Could I please speak with you?” a doctor asked from the doorway. I sat up and looked at him.
“Yeah, I guess so.” Looked at Jay, he didn’t seem like he’d go and start crying if I left, but I didn’t really want to take that chance. I kissed him, he tasted more like normal, thank gods. The doctor looked away politely...perhaps in revulsion. I really didn’t give a shit.
I stood in front of him, he acted like I was going to slit my wrist in front of him and then dance in the blood. I guess short sleeves weren’t the fashion choice of the day. There were still a few scabs. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
“Well, I’d really like to release him, but he’s not eating and we’re not exactly sure what drugs and how many of them he took. I’d hate to release him into your custody and have him drop over dead.” he explained.
“I’m trying to get him to eat.” I said softly. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “I’m eating too.” Waited a beat for him to say something. “Would it be possible to stay in his room with him? Like, overnight? That might help.” Closed my eyes and waited for him to say no.
“I don’t see any problem with that.”
I ripped open the cellophane and handed Jay a danish from the vending machine. Then I ripped open my own and sat down next to him. He actually ate it and didn’t act like it was poison. And it did taste good, certainly much better than the chicken. The nurse had come in earlier and acted all happy that Jay had eaten, he had rubbed his stomach enthusiastically and said that it was the best thing he’d ever eaten. She looked at him like he was crazy, checked the morphine feed he was on, then sighed and left.“Bobby...thanks for staying.” he said as he licked the remains off of his fingers.
I looked at my hands. “I told you I’m not leaving you again.” Met his eyes.
“I know.” he whispered.