36. “Shadow”On the way back to the hotel a few random roadies or just hangers on held out drugs. I stared at the little packets, little bags of cocaine, little denials of reality, then at their possessors. How I wished that I could pretend that I didn’t want to just reach out and grab one, then sink into a corner and let my life drift away. But Jay had done that, and now he was more fragile than tissue paper. Ryan pushed them away and took me past the room I had shared with Jay to the one he was sharing with Amir and Paige. I was too numb to protest. So what if they saw me broken and torn?
They hovered. Paige’s face was blotched like he’d been crying...Amir led to me a chair and made me sit down. Even Ryan showed sign of worry and grief. Was it possible that they all were truly worried about Jay now, after it didn’t really matter? Had going on tour really fixed all that had been broken? I huddled in the chair and didn’t let my feet touch the floor.
The TV was on in the background, various news stories blipped past, then that stage, his body, his face. Eyes clenched shut, teeth gritted, screaming a few bleeped out words then sinking to the stage. Voice overs intoned quiet, somber little mutterings about how this was an elaborate cry for help that missed, that if only people had been able to pick up on the signs he wouldn’t be...dead? My eyes snapped up and I stared at the screen. His picture, a quiet funeral march type piece, his name and dates fluttering below. I bit down on my bottom lip and made ready to get up and find the nearest bridge.
Ryan stopped me. His hands on my arms were brittle, as if he would splinter at the slightest push. “Bobby, you know that it isn’t true. We saw Jay alive, didn’t we? The doctor would have called if he wasn’t.”
I looked up at him, trying to keep a handle on my emotions. The tranquilizers were helping so much. The world seemed to exist on an ever floating terrace of vague static pictures that refreshed every few seconds. “If he dies...” The lump of bile in my throat got bigger, I almost collapsed into myself. The words were so much like a final plea that would go unheard. I knew I couldn’t live without Jay.
But Ryan didn’t laugh. “I know.” he said. Paige and Amir were staring at me, I knew that they understood too. Somehow that made me so much more relieved. “Come on, you need to change into some different clothes.” My bag was in here, when had they...? Amir dug through it and handed Ryan some of my things, then watched as Ryan took me into the bathroom. I knew they weren’t going to leave me alone. Both for my peace of mind and theirs.
As my shirt came off Ryan gasped and then covered it up with a fake little cough. His eyes held all the worry. I hadn’t realized that I had forgotten to eat as long as it looked like I had. A skeleton stared back at me from the mirror...how had Jay even recognized me? I didn’t even know who I was. My ribs were more prominent than I thought they had ever been. The scars stood out like bones growing over my flesh. I practically ripped the shirt Ryan was holding out for me in my rush to get dressed again, to cover up my disregard. “You haven’t been...doing anything, have you?” he asked hesitantly.
“No.” My legs didn’t look as bad, I took longer with my pants. “I was busy with other stuff. I guess I just forgot to eat.” He nodded. “Ryan..I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I left...” I began, but he shook his head.
“Come on, we can talk about that in the morning, it’s not important right now.”
I nodded dumbly. The world was starting to congeal again. Had the doctor given me a prescription for more?
Paige and Amir moved over on the bed, they all surrounded me. It was just like before all this had begun, before Ryan and Jay had thought Paige was anything more than a friend, just like before Shane had told me that we should see other people. Then we’d all find our way into Jay and Paige’s room and goof off for a while before leaving. The only difference this time was that Jay wasn’t here.
The TV sputtered out more images, other stars I didn’t even know expressing their condolences, there weren’t many things that they could say...the sound bites overlapped. I thought that perhaps there was a group of writers who had come up with what they thought were new and original ways for people to pretend that they knew someone that they couldn’t possibly. Amir took one look at my face and turned off the TV. Paige got up and found some sleeping pills in one of his bags. He handed one to me and gestured for me to take it. I swallowed hard, the lump moved but didn’t dislodge. The last thing I saw before I slid off to sleep was all of them staring at me worriedly, then exchanging vague glances with each other. For the first time I saw that they really did love each other...and that only made it even more tragic that Jay and I had tried to destroy that. Sobs seemed to explode out of me, they all held me, everything slid to a stop and then black.
I woke up sprawled all over on my side, my face shoved against Ryan’s chest, his arms surrounding me, Paige behind me hugging me...Amir behind Ryan. Blinked and shifted a bit so that his buttons weren’t digging into my cheek. Ryan smelled like he’d been rolling around in grass...I thought I could see little grass stains on his hands and arms. Amir smelled like cinnamon, his hand rested underneath Ryan’s armpit, right over Ryan’s nipple. I moved my hand gently and realized that I smelled of metal, like wet blood. But I hadn’t cut in what felt like years...not since the day I had left Jay. I hadn’t touched any blood in so long...why did I still smell like it?Slumped into the pillows and tried to drift back to sleep. Cars rushed by the window every so often, the air conditioning unit in this room rattled about as much as the one in the other room had. The shades smacked together and then parted, giving me a brief glimpse of the parking lot. Street lamps cast a faint glow that soon faded as the shades blew closed. It was still the middle of the night. I bit on my fingers and hoped that Jay was still alive.
They dragged me out to a little restaurant the next morning. Ryan sat next to me in the booth, boxing me in against the window. Paige and Amir sat across from us, each taking turns watching me and making sure that I didn’t start destroying myself.I peeled away the napkin from the little bundles of silverware and then found the pitifully blunt knife and ran it over my knuckles until it made a pink indentation. At Paige’s glare I put it down and then contented myself with poking the plastic protected menu with the fork. I wasn’t hungry, they couldn’t make me eat. Closed my eyes and tried to remember the last time I had remembered to eat. At least a day ago...but then it was more because I knew I had to than to fulfill any greater desire. “Can we just go to the hospital?” I whispered. Amir looked at me...oh gods, was I that pitiful that he had to look at me like I was widowed?
“Visiting hours don’t start for another hour.” he said softly in that quiet monotone he had.
The waitress came...I told her I just wanted a glass of water, but Ryan quickly jumped in and said that I was going to have pancakes. Then he went on to order the blueberry pancakes with smiley faces off the kids menu. I don’t remember what Paige and Amir wanted, I was too busy staring at the paper place mat. It was a jumble of offerings arranged around strawberries...pancakes glossed over with red liquid, fruit salads filling with crimson, and then a cheesecake dripping with blood red juice. I tried to get up but Ryan was in the way. I knew that if I said I had to go to the bathroom one of them would pretend that they had to go too...so I just pretended I was shifting on the plastic covered seats.
When they had all woken up earlier Ryan made me take a shower, it felt so weird to be clean again. But it had gotten rid of the blood smell, so instead I reeked of fake flowers. They were trying to protect me from myself, as if I had hidden knives underneath my flesh to use when they weren’t watching.
I listened to them jabber, tracing the fork over the fake food. Then real pancakes covered up their representations. I stared at them...they looked like they were left overs from the day before, just warmed up in a microwave in the back. An angry yellow pat of butter slid off the top and died quietly on the side. Ryan helpfully drizzled a generous portion of syrup all over the three layers, his fingers slipping in on the sides to hold up the top layers while drowning the bottoms. I stared at the plate.
Ryan was busy eating as quickly as possible, smearing blueberry all over his face. Amir and Paige were eating their meals....why couldn’t I force myself to eat mine, even if it was only to satisfy their desire to see that I was properly fed? My fingers slid over the knife and fork, wondering if they were really as dirty as the water stains made them appear. The knife cut through the layers of dough easily, then returned to do it a second time. The three bits that I had cut out sat on my fork and stared at me accusingly. If I didn’t eat them, they were going in the garbage. I felt such pressure to just bite down and eat the whole thing, order a T-bone steak and then follow that with all the items from the lunch menu to make up for days of neglect. I entertained notions of just slipping the pieces in my pants and changing once we went back to the hotel, but I think they would have noticed the syrup staining my pants and the smell.
So I put it in my mouth. Ash. I wanted so desperately to taste like sugar, to be sweet, but it was just ash. Almost like if Jay was dead and cremated and... I chugged the water...I had to stop thinking like that. But I couldn’t eat any more. I pushed the plate away. Paige looked like he might say something but when he saw my expression he closed his mouth. I watched as the syrup swallowed up the butter, then started to drip over the edge of the plate, marring the place mat.
The doctor pulled them aside to talk about Jay, I was left to sit in the waiting room while they discussed his fate. Please don’t tell me he’s telling them that Jay’s dead...that they need to know if they can authorize doping me up before they tell me. I bit down on my knuckles so hard that blood welled up. No! I had to stop that, slammed my hand against the arms of the chair. Continued rocking...that had to be the most comforting position in the world, just rocking, trying to find a balance. I didn’t want to live without Jay, never ever ever...I just wanted to die in his arms, but if he was already dead how could I?“Bobby?” I almost started screaming at hearing my name. “Bobby..it’s okay!” Ryan exclaimed as I grabbed onto him and started crying. “Shh...do you want me to see if we can get you another tranquilizer?” he whispered. I nodded desperately, clutching onto his shirt like he was going to leave me just as Jay had...just as I had left Jay. He nodded at Amir and sat down next to me. “They were just letting us know that we’ll probably have to cancel the rest of the tour...he knew you weren’t part of the band any more so he didn’t feel like he had to tell you. And they did the blood tests and he doesn’t have anything. So everything’s fine...just shh...” he cooed. Then I started getting anxious, what if they wouldn’t let me see him if I was like this, if I couldn’t even keep myself together in the waiting room. “Here’s Amir. He’s got the tranquilizer okay?” I let the pill caress my tongue for a second before I swallowed it along with metallic tasting water. Ryan held me until I stopped crying and hyperventilating.
Everything was floating again. It seemed like everything was growing too...like I was a little kid again. “Do you feel like you can go and see Jay now?” he whispered. How could he even ask that? He held my hand as we went down the hallway...why had we ever grown apart?
Jay was still lying there. Since I hadn’t counted the IVs yesterday I couldn’t tell if they had added any. I walked in slowly, Ryan was right behind me, but I had to be strong because my weakness had been what had done this... His skin felt so dry, almost as if the IVs were sucking out all of the water from his body instead of putting fluid into it. I touched his hand gently, hoping for some reaction. Nothing. It was cold, they must not have wanted to put blankets over the sea of needles that pricked into his arms, his scabbed and bandaged arms. His wrist was what attracted all of my attention, it was still swathed in gauze...I remembered seeing him slash it, how it went almost straight through.His lips were slightly parted and I heard weak little breaths...but not much else. Dark pits seemed to have replaced his eyes, his head tilted a bit to the side, as if it was too much effort to even lay down straight. The head of the bed was elevated a bit, maybe that contributed. I could see his collar bone, stark and white underneath his almost transparent skin.
The whole room made me feel like I wasn’t supposed to be here, everything loomed, things bleeped. Was this what it had been like for him when I had gone crazy about Gavin? But he had stayed the night, he had stayed even when the doctors had protested. I had cut shallow though...I hadn’t severed veins. Gods...had he? Nobody would tell me anything.
I leaned my head against the bed frame, the chill passing from the metal to my forehead. “I’m so sorry...” I whispered. I felt Ryan’s hand on my shoulder.
“Bobby, he didn’t know what he was doing...it wasn’t your fault.” he whispered.
“I need to hear him say that. I need him to say something...anything.” Turned back to Jay. “Please, just don’t die.”
His eyes fluttered for a second, then opened slightly. My hand instantly went to his. He squeezed it gently, his lips moving into a small smile. Then nothing. His eyes closed, his hand went limp. But none of the machines stopped bleeping.
Ryan led me out into the hallway and then Paige and Amir went in for a little bit. “Things are going to be okay, you have to believe that, okay Bobby?” he badgered, forcing me to look at him. “Please don’t give up hope.”