30. “Cryptic”I cornered Paige the next day, making sure that Ryan and Amir were still upstairs and that Jay was nowhere near the room. Paige was sitting at the kitchen table and sorting the paper dolls into different piles. They had become the fetish of the moment, with everyone except Jay and I spending a great portion of the day messing around with them or cutting more out. Scissors constantly digging into processed tree bark. I wished that I could believe that it was only a fad, that it was only something that they would grow out of. But deep down I was sure that they were only doing it so that I would snap and go insane, try and kill myself right before we went on tour so that they could either leave me at home or just kick me out of the band completely. I knew that if I tried it again, and I wasn’t even thinking about giving in to them, ever, but if I tried, Jay would die. Or else Paige would co-opt him and turn him into a little puppet.
Sat down across from Paige. He looked up briefly, his eyes more a milky blue than the pure cobalt that they usually were. Maybe he had been drinking too, or messing around with harder drugs. I didn’t give a fuck either way. “Paige, can I talk to you for a second?” I grimaced for a second, trying to assume my old persona, the non-threatening, “Oh, Bobby won’t mind, he’s just a push-over!” face. The face that might be my one chance at staying in the group.
“That depends.” he said darkly, frowning at me.
“I was just wondering what you were talking about with Jay about yesterday. It got him really upset.” I had to play stupid or he’d catch on and destroy me.
“We weren’t really talking about anything important. I just had some suggestions about the album. He took them the wrong way though.”
“Funny. He told me that you were talking about me.”
“Well yeah, but it wasn’t anything personal.”
“If it wasn’t anything personal why did he get so shaken up?” Put my arm behind my back, dug the fingernails of my other hand into the tender flesh of my forearm, trying to keep from screaming and ripping him to shreds.
“I don’t know. I mean, Jay’s been different since he started going out with you.”
I bit down on my lip. My nails scratched down my arm, ripping open closed wounds. “Paige, that’s mostly because he thinks that you think he’s a total slut.”
“Well Bobby, no offense, but until you guys got together, he was.” I opened my mouth to protest. “I mean, by any definition. He’d go out every night, get drunk, find a warm body, come home, have them fuck him, and then bother them about having a long term relationship in the morning. And he’d really just pick up anyone who’d go home with him, old men, teenagers, anyone.”
“I don’t remember him getting that pissed when...” As far as I could remember, Paige had done pretty much the same thing. The fucker.
“Look Bobby, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m glad that he’s settled down, I’m just upset that he decided to pick you.” As if it was so much better when I was with Shane and they didn’t have to worry about including me as much because I was ‘building a family’ and all that shit. I hated him so much.
“Why? We used to be friends.”
“ ‘We’ never used to be friends. You were Ryan’s friend, that’s about it. Now you’re Jay’s lover. But how long is that gonna last? One or the other of you is gonna crack and then it’ll be all over.” he said softly, no malice at all. Just plain fact. Paige was never one for big confrontations or coming out of his little box. He’d just worm his way in and stay the calm lovable person he was while making you out to be unstable. Sometimes I envied him for that skill.
Warmth met the tips of my fingers. I didn’t need to look to know that it was blood.
“Bobby, what’s wrong?” I was just sitting in the corner of our room, staring at the way that the walls met, wondering how they managed to get it to go at exactly ninety degrees, or what looked like ninety degrees or...hand on my face, on my chin, turning me to look up at him, up at the only person who I felt truly loved me. Well, maybe Gavin loved me too, but he was just a little kid and I was his father...how long could he be expected to keep up that love? It was only fulfilling in the short term.His eyes were full of the tears that I had yet to shed. But I wasn’t planning on crying anytime soon. “Jay...you like me right?” I whispered.
And that was all it took to be surrounded by his arms, to have my head supported by his chest, to know that he did like me, and that I was stupid to ever think that he didn’t.
A few days later I was hiding in the studio, trying to think things out and plan coping methods for when we were on tour, because I was sure that everyone was going to be fucked up, not just Jay and I. Would Paige, Amir, and Ryan’s relationship stand the test of all the groupies? And if it collapsed, would we break up anyway?“Here, nobody’s in here.” Paige said, shoving someone into the booth. I guess someone had left the intercom or whatever on. I couldn’t just get up and leave without letting Paige know that I was in here and he might then use that to blame me for anything bad that happened to the equipment. More evidence of my insanity. So I hid in the corner right next to the window.
“What the fuck is so important?” The voice....fuck it all to hell, Paige was bothering Jay again. Dug my fingers into my arms, I had to listen and see what Paige wanted to do. I considered adding spy to my list of skills...
“Jay, you know I care about you, right?”
“Look, I’ve heard this shit from you just about every day since we started work on the album. You sure didn’t care all that much when I was run over.” I heard skin rasping over fabric. Oh no... I stared at my drum kit and wondered if I grabbed a cymbal if I would be able to use it to see what was going on. But knowing my luck at the moment I’d drop it and they’d hear. Maybe. It all depended on how intent Paige was at getting what he wanted.
“I didn’t think the hospital had visiting hours that late at night.” Paige was acting quiet and calm again, making Jay seem like a hysterical freak.
“That wouldn’t have stopped you from coming over the next day.” Jay said.
“Jay, that stuff doesn’t matter right now...all that matters is that...”
“You think that I should just forget about that! I thought that you were my best friend and Bobby, BOBBY who I didn’t think even gave a shit, he was the first one to visit me. So I don’t think that...”
“I’m sorry okay?!” There was a pause. “Don’t start crying Jay...fuck...”
“I’m not crying.” Jay snarled. But the spirit wasn’t there. I heard the sounds of a hug, a brief sob, then pushing away noises. “It just...you were my friend...”
“Jay, it seems like we’ve known each other forever. We’ve had disagreements before, right?”
“Yeah, but they weren’t ever like...”
“Maybe I just wanted to deny my true feelings.” NO! I shot up and peeked in through the window. Paige had his back to me, effectively blocking me from Jay’s field of vision. Paige ran his finger over Jay’s shirt. Then he moved and wiped the tear trail off of Jay’s cheek. He stuck that finger in his mouth and cleaned it off slowly. Jay started to inch towards the door. Paige slammed his hand in the way.
“Look Paige, if you’re trying to seduce me, you’re doing a really bad job.” Jay said weakly as Paige backed up and started messing around with his shirt.
“Who said I’m trying to seduce you?”
“You’re trying to get back at me for what Bobby and I did...”
Paige laughed. “No...I’ve forgotten about that.” Somehow I really doubted that. I moved towards the door to the booth slowly, hoping that I could get to it before Paige or Jay noticed. “This is real.” He grabbed Jay’s face and kissed him full on, with tongue. I reached the door and threw it open, storming into the room.
“What the fuck are you doing Paige?!” I screamed.
“He had something stuck in his teeth and I was helping him get it out.” Paige said simply, winked at Jay, and then left. I made like I was going to go after him and strangle him to death, but Jay grabbed me.
I sighed heavily and looked at him. He leaned against the wall and exhaled slowly. “You should just stay away from him unless I’m there, okay? He’s up to something and I don’t like it.” I said.
He was just staring out the door as if he wanted to follow Paige.