A/N: lyrics followYOU WALK AWAY
Nursing the third shot from a bottle of cheap vodka. Staring blankly at the mirror in front of me, hoping that it doesn't show how much I've changed, how tired I really am. Two jobs that I hate and no time to do what I want to do only adds up to too much caffeine and not enough real sleep. So instead of spending my time off in productive pursuits, I find myself here again, wondering why I ended up here instead of somewhere else and why I can't change.
The door opens and the light of the setting sun shoots across the floor. The figure in the doorway keeps it that way for a bit longer, making those who've been hitting the bottle hard mutter loud protests. It slams shut and the figure slides into a seat directly across from me at the bar. I look up warily, exchange a glance with him and then freeze. Oh shit...
Ryan.
It seemed like it was so long ago that I met him at that party and thought he was attractive. Paige had pushed me over towards him and we'd talked for a bit, never quite coming to the point where exchanging phone numbers or e-mail addresses would have been appropriate, always dancing the fine line between killing time and making an acquaintance. We'd met a few times after that and talked a bit, but I'd never been able to think of some way to get to know him better or express that I thought he was interesting. He'd seemed like he truly liked me, so of course I nursed a secret crush.
That had been two years ago and things had changed. I cursed myself for not changing out of the bright red shirt I had to wear for work. It seemed that whenever I'd meet someone I always had to be the submissive one, the one embarrassed to be seen like this. I took a chance and looked up again, but he was staring at the pint glasses hanging over the bar.
Adjusted my watchband to cover the band-aid. I hoped the lights were dim enough that he couldn't see the line. So much had changed. Some of this was for him, because I was stupid enough to think that it was all my fault that we hadn't been able to get our shit together. Some of that fell on his shoulders, but always, always the regret that I hadn't said more, hadn't given more of myself, hadn't trusted him.
When I looked up again he was eyeing my arm. The scissors were there, I had just goofed around with them, it wasn't anything serious...well, it was. I'd given up wearing baby-doll tees because of it, I just didn't want to deal. I watched his face redden as he followed my arm up to my face. I blushed and returned to looking down at my drink.
Closed my eyes and let my mind run free.
"Jay? Is that you?" I opened my eyes and found him sitting next to me. "It is! Remember me?"How could I have ever forgotten him? He'd changed so very little, he still had that smile that made him look like a cat who'd got the canary, his eyes still looked out at the world with a smirk. "Ryan." I said simply, suppressing every urge I had to just spout out what I thought. Maybe he'd think I was crazy, just telling him right out that I wouldn't mind if he asked me to suck him off, that I'd go for it, no questions asked, no regrets. I kept my hand over my wrist, perhaps he wouldn't notice, though it was a six inch line of smiles only recently scarred over.
"Where've you been? I've been trying to get in touch with you after that last party." I could ignore the fact that it's been years since that party, it's not that important, he was at least here now.
"Just around. Working. School." Non-committal answers that kept him from even looking down at my arm. Longed to just hide it.
"Ah." He was smiling and looking at my face. Then he leaned forward and whispered in my ear. "I've been dreaming about you since then." I slammed my eyes closed and grimaced.
"Stop joking." I should have known he was just here to make fun of me. So many had, getting my hopes up only to dash them to pieces and then slice them apart.
"It's true." His tongue traced my ear and I shuddered. Cock twitched, but I couldn't let myself give in this easily.
"What do you want? You obviously can't have been looking all that hard for me if it's taken you two years to find me." I snapped.
His hand went right over my crotch and then descended. I bit my lip to keep back a pained moan. "I was out of town."
"That's no excuse."
"It's not like I had your telephone number or anything." He unbuttoned my pants slowly, letting his finger ease down the zipper. "Can't we just fool around?"
Who was I to refuse? Just having him here, paying attention to me, that was all I needed, but the thought of him in me, on me, with me...was making me hard as hell. Screw how I looked, fuck any and all repercussions, he'd asked me to go and I was fucking going.
At his apartment, staring at all the posters that he'd plastered his walls with, all the clutter that he tried to shove underneath his bed. Made my eyes focus on him, on the way that he kept on scratching his head as if he couldn't quite tell how to get me naked and in bed without it sounding cheesy. It was obvious that he needed help.I slowly worked up my shirt a bit, letting my hands trace over my abdomen, thankful that I hadn't cut there though I'd longed to carve his name, someone's name into my flesh. Some proof, real or imagined, that someone had seen fit to claim me. He stopped fiddling around with one of his action figures and looked at me. I smiled secretively and licked my lips as I pulled the shirt up higher, letting my fingers trace along my nipples as I took it off completely. His mouth was open and gaping, I wanted to drown in it. "Do you want me?" I asked softly, stepping a bit closer, let my hand dart out and touch the obvious bulge in his jeans.
No answer, but he grabbed my arms and pulled me to his chest, forced my head down so that he could kiss me, tongue thrusting into my mouth, almost imagined it was his cock, so warm, so sweet. My hand went to his waistband and pushed its way inside, hoping that he'd gone for baggy jeans instead of tight ones. Realized he wasn't wearing any underwear as my hand slid over his cock and then cupped it, massaging gently, then roughly as his head snapped back and he bit down on my lip. "Mmmm..."
"You want more?" Stopped touching him for a moment. The world spun as he threw me down on the bed and pulled down my pants, his eyes full of the most intense desire that I'd ever seen focused on me. His every touch was warm water spilling over my skin, the heat building at my cock, making me want him so much I thought he was poisoning me with his desire. There was a brief pause as he stripped completely and threw our clothes across the room. The comforter scratched my back and his tongue painted across my chest, his hand went to my cock and stroked so fucking slowly, I just wanted him. Desperate pants, closed my eyes, tossed my head, if only he'd fuck me, if only he'd suck me. Pain as he bit down on my nipple, hard enough to cause a bruise later. I grabbed his head and forced him to look at me. "Don't fucking do that." I hissed. But he was busy looking at my arm.
"What're these?" he asked, running his finger over the scabs. "They're beautiful." Saliva spilled over them as well, I was dying, someone didn't care, someone didn't think I was crazy.
"Nothing you need to worry about." I said, pushing his head back on course. "Just fuck me."
He smiled, I remembered the rare occasions when it had been directed at me before, when I'd said something asinine or witty. This time it was because of me...me... "Are you sure?"
Sucked in a rushed breath between gritted teeth. "No, I was just asking because I thought that getting naked and fooling around with you was what friends did." He laughed, that horseish laugh that nobody else had, that almost gave me an instant orgasm every time I heard it.
He parted my legs and laid down on top of me, paying more attention to every inch of my skin, teasing until I didn't want it anymore. I bucked up against him, rubbing against his cock in the process and making him gasp. He propped himself up and I thought perhaps he was going to leave, but I had to grab at the comforter in desperation as he started to stretch me. I tried to push down on him further, but he wasn't interested in that just yet. He pulled out and replaced his fingers with something harder, larger.
I bit my tongue bloody as he entered me as gently as he could, grabbing his back with my fingers and raking down it with my fingernails. He slammed into me as hard as he could once he knew that I could take it, he met my prostate and I was in the most divine ecstasy that had ever been conceived. Bit at his neck, tasted blood, just wanted him to come, me to come, the world to end with us together.
"Ryan!" I grunted as I came between us.
"Jeremy." he said.
Eyes snapped open instantly and I looked across the bar. "Amir, isn't that Jeremy? From that party at Paige's, remember?" He was pointing at me. His friend on the stool next to him peered over as well and shrugged."Does it really matter? That guy just kind of stayed in the corner and stared at everyone. Freaky." He turned and smiled evilly at Ryan. "Why, did you fuck him?"
"Nah..." Ryan shook his head and then kissed Amir full on. "You know I only have eyes for you.
I picked up the bottle of vodka and made my way outside. I knew that every time I saw him after that would be a scar I would cover up later.
"Fuck you Ryan." I hissed as I walked home.
You Walk AwayFilter
I got greed, it's got me
I got freeze, it's on me
I can't breathe, I can't see
I just bleed, I just beI can't see straight, I can't be straight
I just want a life of my own
I can't live hate, I don't want hate
I just want a life of my ownYeah, I just want a life of my own
Yeah, I just want a life of my own
Yeah, I just want a life of my own
You walk away from me
You walk away from meMy soul leaves, my soul breathes
My heart aches, the ground shakes
You can't beat it, you can't feed itI can't see straight, I can't be straight
I just want a life of my own
I can't live hate, I don't want hate
I just want a life of my ownYeah, I just want a life of my own
Yeah, I just want a life of my ownYou walk away from me
You walk away from me