6.The posters went up...someone had misguidedly chosen “Tainted Love” as the theme. I tried not to remember the original version, all of my peers tended to only think of the recent cover. But the other choices were similarly asinine, some pop crap from boy bands that surged and flooded over the binders of the girls in school like the sea. Nothing in the slightest bit different or dangerous. There were some token attempts at appealing to those who probably didn’t want to go to prom anyway, but the day was carried by the kids who could mobilize their friends quickest.
Posters went up, happy little pictures paired with the words, a juxtaposition of a happy couple kissing or dancing, whatever they could sneak past the principal without getting suspended. Had they even listened to the lyrics? I didn’t care because I wasn’t going.
I didn’t eat lunch that day, just went out back and smoked.“Hey...did you see the stuff for prom?” Bobby asked, sitting down next to me and bumming a cigarette. I handed him my lighter and resumed staring at the junkies who were running around in the forest and screaming about monkeys chasing them. Tried not to think what they had snorted this time.
“Yeah.” I said after a long pause. I wondered what he was getting at since we couldn’t go anyway, the other kids would have a field day if we did. Not that dances or anything at school were ever fun. He was looking a bit excited and had a little flyer which he promptly shoved in my face. “What?! I’ve seen them...it’s not like I walk around with blinders on just because I have glasses.” I snapped. For some reason the fact that I couldn’t go to prom with him without getting beaten up afterwards was really bugging me. That and that we probably could never go and do those things together anyway without everyone staring.
“We could go.” he said softly, looking like I was gonna start bitching him out.
“How?” I asked, trying to be reasonable. “Your parents would freak, mine aren’t exactly the most tolerant in the entire world...not to mention how everyone else would stare and...” His posture slumped and he sighed.
“Fine.” A deep inhalation and he held his cigarette out lazily. “Forget I said anything.”
“Why do you even want to go?”
“I haven’t seen you outside of school for weeks...damn, I want to do something with you that isn’t with my parents around.”
“I thought your mom chaperoned.”
“So? She can’t watch everyone. Mostly she says she just sort of sits by the drinks and makes sure they don’t get spiked.”
“It still wouldn’t work.”
“Look, how about we say that we’re double dating and that we’ll meet our dates there.”
I restrained myself from smacking him. I hated it when people raised my hopes. “Your parents will never go for that.”
“If I tell the therapist I want to go, they’ll let me.”
“Your therapist has them under that kind of...”
His eyes silenced me. They glistened with tears not yet shed. “As much as they act like they don’t care...they don’t want me to die either.” I sighed and took a deep drag on my cigarette.
“They wouldn’t be very good parents if they did want you to die, would they?” Instantly regretted it. He started crying...and I mean, totally crying. Crying like he had finally realized that Fabio was dead and gone forever. I grabbed him and pulled him to my chest, dodging his wildly flailing cigarette. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s not you...it’s just...” He sniffed ineffectually. “Why can’t I just disappear? I hate this. I want to see you all the time and be able to do stuff with you...I want to have a fucking life!”
“Bobby, that’s not the best thing to do.” I scrambled for something that might keep him around and his self-esteem and so forth up. Came up with nothing. Because those thoughts were starting to overwhelm me as well. “Look...if you can get your parents to agree to let you go...I’ll go too, okay?” He nodded weakly and then shoved himself away, letting the stone persona slide over his face again.
“I’m sorry. Normally I don’t do that.” He smiled weakly. “It just...got to be a bit too much.”
“That’s fine.” I said, though I was a bit concerned.
That night I dreamed for the first time in what felt like years, even though I knew that everyone dreams all the time while sleeping, it’s just a matter of remembering them. This one was disturbing...it was prom and everything was cast in shades of black and red. I was wearing a blood red dress for some reason and some black pleather pumps that made me even taller than I thought appropriate. And for some reason no one cared and Bobby was there and we were dancing and it all swirled into us kissing and then we were naked and fucking and everyone was watching and it just seemed so unattainable.I woke up feeling so empty it hurt.
His parents agreed almost too readily, Bobby bought the tickets...I just sort of floated. I didn’t want to think about what to wear, what to do...all the shit that went along with being popular and socializing. I don’t think I even told my parents...they knew vaguely what had happened with Ryan and now probably assumed I was asexual and asocial. My dad sure as hell wouldn’t talk about that stuff with me...he was still sort of caught up in accepting my appearance. My mom...I just didn’t want her to get involved at all. But I had to tell them eventually. Just leaving one night and not getting back until early in the morning wouldn’t fly very well.
“Um...mom...I was thinking about maybe going to prom.” I said softly, hoping that maybe she wouldn’t hear and I could say later that I’d told her and save a lot of face.She turned around from the stove and eyed me suspiciously. “With who?”
I stared at the floor and wished that I could just do these things casually. “Well...Bobby and I were gonna meet some girls there and...”
Looked up and met her steel-grey eyes. “You’re going with Bobby, right? Just say that instead of telling a story.”
“His parents....” I started.
“They wouldn’t approve, I know. What do you want me to do about it?”
“If they ask...could you back me up?”
“You want me to lie to them for you?”
“Only if they ask! Please mom, he’s dying over there.” I found myself begging...something I very rarely did. She looked at me for a few more seconds, her brow furrowed and eyes intense.
“Jay...I don’t want a repeat of the Ryan incident. I had a very uncomfortable conversation with his parents about it. They were going to hire a lawyer and sue us! And I don’t want to have to justify your still staying in that school to the principal. Do you know how much trouble I had to go through to get them to let you go back without seeing a counselor?!”
I shrank and grabbed my arms. “It’s different this time, I swear. He’s not just using me.” Sniffed dramatically for effect. Sometimes that worked. It wasn’t a tactic I liked to employ often though.
She put her head in her hands. “Fine...but if anything happens...it’s all going on your head.”
I felt that it was a hollow victory, given that I would have rejoiced just as much if I didn’t have to go as when I did.
So a week or so later I was standing with Bobby outside the doors to go in to prom and wishing that I was somewhere else most desperately. The thought kept on nagging that I would have looked so much better in the dress from the dream...pinched my hand. I didn’t need to go down that path...everyone hated me already, I didn’t need to give them another reason. It didn’t help that the tuxedo that Bobby had forced me to rent smelled like chicken and I sure as hell didn’t look very good in it. He had tried unsuccessfully to get me to surrender my glasses, but since I sort of wanted to see what was going on, he didn’t get very far.The girls were milling around out front trying to see who had copied whom. I really couldn’t tell the difference between one bodice enhancing dress and another...and I truly didn’t want to get close enough to find out. But I guess they could see the difference, and that was all that mattered. Overheard snatches of conversation as a few girls related how they’d gone clear across the state to get their dresses so no one would copy. And then two girls got into a bitch-slapping fight over their sort of identical dresses. One of the girls ripped off the straps of her rival’s dress and let it all hang out, so to speak. Bobby giggled...I just sort of rolled my eyes. It wasn’t that funny.
Since dancing was pretty much out of the question, seeing as that would open us up to more scrutiny than I thought would be prudent, we amused ourselves by requesting songs that were pretty much impossible to dance to. Or else hollow anthems of rebellion and uniqueness. It was enough to sit on top of the bleachers and watch everyone else make complete asses of themselves.
Bobby’s mom was watching the drinks table as if everyone was carrying hip flasks to spike it with. We kept far away from her, because if we got close she would undoubtedly ask to see our dates and then we’d have to either admit that we didn’t have any or go and find some random wallflower and drag her up to show to his mom. I didn’t want to face that, so we stayed on the bleachers, far above the different-hued balloons swirled with darker colors and the refreshments that had little surprises embedded in them. Someone had taken the theme to heart. They had yet to play the song, but they had tried to make everything embody the theme.
Then little Miss “Ew gross, you kissed Ryan! I’m telling everyone!” President of the Student Council picked up a microphone and stopped the DJ. “Hey guys, having fun?” A weak roar was all she got in response. She tapped on the microphone as if volume was the only problem. “Um...well, after all the scandal about Homecoming, we sort of figured that it’d be nice to have everyone vote for a Prom King and Queen. I know it’s a new thing, but after all that...”
She needed to shut up, and now. The whole scandal had been that the people picked for Homecoming court hadn’t been voted for at all...the student council had just picked who they thought should get it. Someone found out, she had to make an embarrassing announcement and reinstate the people who should have got it. Now she was rehashing bad memories and not realizing it.
“Anyway, so...um, go and vote over by the refreshments!” she said, then gave the microphone back to the DJ and hopped over to place her vote.
Bobby looked at me imploringly. “What?!” I said. He smiled a bit. “Fuck no! I’m not going down there in front of your mom and...” He started laughing.
“I was just gonna ask if you wanted to hide under here. I need a smoke.”
I sighed. “It’d set the fire alarms off.”
“So? It’s better than sitting here bored for two more hours.”
We were soon encased in a cloud of nicotine and out of it completely. It was hot and stuffy under the moldy wood, and the brief snatches of conversation from the people who had the misfortune of staying sitting the entire time wasn’t exactly worth it.Finally Bobby put out his cigarette and started nibbling on my neck. I peered through the slats and hoped that no one was watching. Then I put out my own cigarette and attacked him. Soon we were busy mauling each other and trying to keep from doing anything else that would get us expelled. This couldn’t be fake...Ryan had never kissed back. I sucked on his tongue, let him bite my neck until it was covered with patches of red. And then the sound system kicked on again.
“We counted all the votes and...well...in view of the progressive nature of our school, I think some of us should be very happy.” Instantly sat up, nevermind the fact that Bobby was straddling me. Oh fuck... “Our Prom King is Bobby Fernandez...Let me take this opportunity to say how sorry the whole student council was to hear about his family’s tragedy.” There was a brief clapping. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. “And our prom queen is.....” Big silence. Oh fuckkkkkkk. Grabbed onto Bobby’s hand. He was busy looking like he was trapped, wondering who his date for the rest of the night had to be. “Jay Gordon.” Inhaled gasp of shock. “Well, everyone knows that Bobby’s...” she began, but everyone was busy looking for us.
“This is not happening.” I hissed, trying to calm down.
“Come on.” he said. He pulled on my arm. “They’re not going to stop until they find us.”
Somehow it all just sort of disappeared until I was standing in the middle of the dance floor with him and she was standing in front of me smiling like she hadn’t told everyone once she discovered Ryan and I in the closet...like she hadn’t ruined my whole life. “We just want to say that we want to start a whole new era of toleration in school.” The rest of her words were drowned out by “Tainted Love” playing really loudly in the background. I couldn’t breathe, this wasn’t happening. Bobby’s mom...please tell me she had taken a restroom break...please. Closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. And Ms. Perfect had a stupid little crown in her hand. Fuck that. I was not going to be the subject of all their ridicule. Bobby sort of shrank beside me while everyone was sort of waiting for us to dance or something. I just stood there and glared at them all.
“I’m not putting on a show for you.” I said. “Give it to someone else.” Bobby was sort of moving closer to me, as if I could protect him. Bad thing to do, but I wasn’t going to push him away. He wouldn’t understand the dynamics of the situation...he couldn’t possibly.
Then the DJ put on a song that I swore I’d never hear again...the song that I had in my head the day Ryan said he liked me. As the depressing overture began, my jaw started to emerge from its clenched state and I bit back the lump that emerged in my throat. That was it. I ran outside amid whispers of “We were just trying to be nice.” and “Couldn’t he have pretended for Bobby?”
Ended up lying on my side and holding onto my stomach by one of the trees on the outskirts of the forest and listening to the moans of the couples who couldn’t wait until they got to their Motel 6 rooms and oblivion. I heard their clamoring for more more MORE and felt like being sick. A stick broke nearby and a shadow loomed over me. “Are you okay?” Bobby asked.“I hate people. I wish I could live in a cabin in the middle of the wilderness. Be a hermit.” I whispered.
He sat down next to me and sighed, gently touching my neck. “I’d love to go with you...unless you hate me too. I swear I didn’t know they were going to do that.” I shivered, it was cold even for May.
“I know you didn’t. You’re not Ryan.” Sighed raggedly and covered my face with my hand. “I’m so pathetic.”
“Is that what all this is about? Ryan?”
“No...not really.” I rolled over. “I just want to be with you without everyone acting like it’s wrong.”
He leaned over me and kissed me gently. I resisted the urge to pull him in deeper and do something more. “I don’t think it’s wrong. Can’t that be enough? At least for now?”
“Fuck me.” I whispered before I could even think about it. Slapped my hand over my mouth. “Forget I said that.”
But he was smiling like that’s what he had wanted all along. “So does that mean you don’t want me to fuck you?”
The guy at the motel barely even looked up as I finished filling out the sign in card and then handed over the credit card my parents had insisted I get. He was watching some black and white movie on TV and bawling his eyes out. Watched as he only took a cursory glance at the card before digging through the keys on their hooks. A key was in my hand before the heroine died of tuberculosis.I had never stayed at a motel without my parents before. Memories of really bad family trips started to fill my mind, but Bobby soon drove them out as he unlocked the door to the room.
Flipped the light switch. The air conditioner was clunking away as it let in air from the outside. There was a general odor in the air of staleness and what I assumed was adultery. The wallpaper was a vague tan flower design that continued onto the bedding. The TV only had four channels announced dryly on a placard glued to its side...one of them was porn, but cost extra. The bathroom was pretty small and the sink was outside in a little vestibule area. Everything was done in a shade of brown.
Earlier I had been eager, now I was just uncomfortable. And Bobby’s breath on the back of my neck wasn’t helping. Now that we were here it seemed so immediate and I wasn’t sure if I wanted it. His lips touched my skin and I tried to keep from totally caving right at that point and running off like my heart was telling me to do. My mind was all that was keeping me here. That and my cock. “Are you sure?” I whispered. It seemed harsh, even with the noises from outside and the air conditioner.
He snaked his way in front of me and stared at me seriously. “I’ve been sure.” His tongue traced over my lips, then darted inside. All resolve dissolved and I welcomed the invasion of his tongue, letting my own play over its semi-rough surface. He tasted like recently applied toothpaste, my fingers slipped to the buttons of his shirt and slid them open. It seemed like there was too much stuff to take off...just wanted to be naked.
The bed bounced as he slammed me down on it roughly, I heard the rip as the buttons tore and then felt the chill of the room as he gradually pulled my shirt off. Snarling as we kissed, trying to pretend that the ache wasn’t located between my legs already. As he pulled me up a bit to remove the rest of my shirt, I felt his hardness too...just wanted to fucking see it, to feel it, to know that I wasn’t just making all of this up, that I wasn’t just hallucinating. Busied myself with the buttons and crap on his shirt, trying to avoid the temptation to rip it all off because I knew I couldn’t. My legs parted and tried to pull him down on top of me completely and hold him there, grabbed onto him as much as possible with my arms and teeth.
But we still had our pants and boxers on. He peeled away and started trying to pull down my zipper while I was busy biting his neck almost obsessively. Finally his hand was able to fit inside and I moaned at the contact. Would have been content to just have that, but as with all good things, there was something better. He sat up a bit and started pulling his pants off. I looked up at him lazily, trying to calm down a bit so that I could actually breathe. Even though he was pale from lack of exposure to anything except the dimmest bulbs he was perfect in his nudity. Before I knew it I was naked too and we were kissing again. Every touch seemed to be electric, I couldn’t keep myself quiet.
His hands roamed over my flesh, I licked everywhere I could. Didn’t realize until they started bashing into my cheeks that I was still wearing my glasses. Bobby started laughing as I pushed him back for a second. “Forgot you were wearing them?” he panted.
“It happens.” I took them off gently and set them on the nightstand. Captured him for another kiss, felt his hand sliding underneath me. My eyelids fluttered, oh fuck I just wanted him to fuck me until I couldn’t walk. Finger gently circled my entrance, I clenched my teeth and tried to keep from arching my back too much. Just as I was trying to relax enough to let him touch me he stopped.
“This is going to hurt...like...a lot.” he whispered. Slit my eyes and glared up at him. “I’m gonna find something we could use for lube...” He left me laying there with my legs spread and my cock aching like it had never done before...even when Ryan had whispered all of the things he wanted to do to me before we started kissing. At that thought I wondered if Bobby was just going to open the door and yell out at all the other kids undoubtedly staying here that I was seducing him. Closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the fact that he was rooting through the complimentary basket instead of putting on his clothes. My cock hurt...let my hand drift towards it. If I could just come...
My hand was pushed away sort of roughly and replaced with Bobby’s. Lost all control and just let the pressure and pleasure build until it was almost unimaginable that it could get any better. That’s when I heard something pop and felt something sort of lukewarm on my skin. One thrust and his finger was in me, then two fingers. “Fuck...” I hissed, clenching my teeth. Tried to push myself down harder onto them, then everything started to grow even more indistinct as the tip of one of his fingers met my prostate. Moaned deeply, almost cried because I just wanted more and this wasn’t even what I should have been begging for. I didn’t give a fuck if he was just using me...I just wanted him in me as deep as possible.
His fingers left slowly. There was a pause, a bit of time for everything to sort itself out...all I could hear was his harsh breath and my whining moans for more.
“Please...” I whimpered.
He nodded, then grabbed my legs and thrust in. FUCK. Bit my tongue bloody to keep from screaming. I hadn’t thought it would hurt this much. Tears came unbidden as he started to gently push in further. Inhaled and exhaled furiously to try and deal with the pain and equalize it. Then the tip of his cock hit my prostate and I was lost. Back arched as much as possible, arms and legs pulling him down and in as much as he could possibly be. Just needed more of him right fucking there.
Warmth slid over my abdomen and then touched my cock. I was too delirious with pleasure to protest as he started to jerk me off in time with his thrusting. All I knew was that I couldn’t last much longer. His lips met mine and tangled together, he jerked hard one last time and I came... The room suddenly seemed to transcend its brown hue and turn into a rainbow of ecstasy. His hands left my body and clenched in the sheets, he grunted as he came...just one more liquid inside of me. Laid there for a while panting with him still limp inside me.
What the hell were we going to do now?