EMOTIONLESS
Hey dad
I�m writing to you
Not to tell you that I still hate you
Just to ask you how you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Lying on my bed, one of my many notebooks in front of me, I tried to figure out what to say next. All I had was �Hey dad,� and the date, March 14, 2003. Today�s my sixteenth birthday. I wonder if he even remembered. Probably not. Goddess, what can I say?
Are you happy out there in this great wide blue
Do you think about your sons
Do you miss your little girl
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night
Do you even wonder if we�re alright
But we�re alright, we�re alright
This is a letter to my old man, who walked out on us when I was six. And when I say us, I mean me, my mother, my two younger brothers and my baby sister. The twins were two, and Ember was four. And my mother? She was heart-broken and alone with four kids to look after.
It�s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren�t you there all the nights we cried
You broke my mother�s heart
You broke your children for life
It�s not okay, but we�re alright
I remember the days when you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just the long lost memories of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now I�m writing just to let you know we�re still alive
Two hours have passed and all I have is �Hey dad.� What am I supposed to say? �Thank you for leaving us and making our lives a living hell?� �Hi, it�s me, your son, remember? Your bastard son, Cloud.�? Yes, that�s my name, Cloud. My mother, Katrina, named me Cloud because when I was born, I had a tuft of white-blonde hair and icy blue eyes. I wonder if he remembers me, Ember and the twins, Forrest and River. We all have unusual names if you hadn�t guessed. Ember has fiery red curls like Katrina�s, Forrest has evergreen eyes, while River has navy eyes. That�s the only way you can tell the twins apart. Anyway, enough about the siblings. Back to this cursed letter. Hmmm. I wonder if he knows that Mom�s dead. How am I supposed to tell him that? �Katrina�s dead. She killed herself. She couldn�t take it anymore. It�s all your fault.�? She�s been dead for seven years. I miss her...
The days I spent so cold, so hungry
Were full of hate, I was so angry
The scars run deep inside my tattooed body
There�s things I�ll take to my grave
But I�m okay, I�m okay
Growing up, I was a troubled child. At school, I�d lash out. I did it for attention, but I�d mostly do it because I was angry with him for leaving us. Could you blame me? Six years old and I lost my father. And Katrina lost her job three and a half months later. We lost the apartment and ended up living on the streets. Katrina worked odd jobs, which kept us fed at least once a day. After Katrina killed herself, we somehow managed to survive for a year on our own. Everyone in our corner of New York City knew us, and when the officials came around, not a word was spoken. But, we were eventually discovered. Turns out the officials had been looking for us for months. That made no sense, but we went with them. We were put into a foster home right away, all four of us. That didn�t last long. None of them did. Until the Ashburns took us in. I was 14 then. I�ve been here for 2 years, and I�m happy...
Sometimes I forgive
Yeah and this time I�ll admit
That I miss you, said I miss you
Goddess, who am I kidding? I miss him. He was my hero. So strong, so brave, I wanted to be just like him. In a way, I still do. But I would never walk out on my family. That'ssomething I hate about him.
And sometimes I forgive
And this time I�ll admit
That I miss you, I miss you
Hey dad
Another two hours come and gone. Ember came in a bit ago, invited me to a Hot Topic/movie spree. I smiled and shook my head. �Sorry Em, but I have to finish this letter.� She smiled and nodded, gave me a kiss on the cheek and ran out to the pickup where Mrs. Ashburn was waiting. When she left, I resumed staring at my 99.8% blank page. I don�t hate him, might as well let him know that...
An hour has passed. I finally figured out what to say to my old man...
Hey dad,
I�m sixteen today. Do you even remember me? The family is still together, except Katrina isn�t around anymore�She killed herself seven years ago. I�m sorry I didn�t tell you sooner. May she rest in peace. Ember, Forrest, River and I live in a foster home now. We�ve actually been adopted by the Ashburns. We�ve lived here for two years. Everyone�s alive and well. How have you been? Have you re-married? Do I have any step-siblings? Do you ever think of me? The twins? Ember? It took a lot for me to work up the courage to write to you. I�ve been here for hours, trying to say the right thing. I just want you to know that I don�t hate you, I�d like to see you sometime, if you wouldn�t mind. I miss you. I have to go for now. Write me back, please. I miss having you in my life. No one can ever take your place, Dad.
Love Always, Your Son,
Cloud Ashburn
I stood and folded the letter, slipping in into an envelope and with that, I walked out of my room to mail a letter that I should have sent seven years ago.
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Lyrics to "Emotionless" belong to Good Charlotte.
