26 DECEMBER 2003
There�s this guy I know� he�s incredibly stubborn, and I know he means well, honest I do. It�s just, he frustrates me so. And nothing I say seems to matter anymore. It�s not that he hates me�it�s quite the opposite really. It�s obvious in what I�ve just read...
RK stands in an old graveyard, long since abandoned, an obviously very ornate graveyard, forgotten by all but a few, and time itself. Within, a new grave has been dug, the air thick with old earth torn asunder, exposed within. A fair sized mound of the fresh dirt lies in front of him, and a new tombstone at the head of the grave, with a simple, yet ornate, inscription carved upon it:
Below is a date carved within, a date that spans more than many would believe possible. RK, standing still in the rain of the night, stares silently into the grave, picturing the one he knew and loved as family, the one he'd been thru so much with. His tears mixed with the rain pattering his face, falling to the grave below. He closes his eyes, making a solemn vow; "You will not be forgotten... and you have not died in vain." Time seems to bend slowly as he stands there with his memories... and his pain.
He believes I have died. Not literally, but a part of me, a significant part of me that I�ve battled with constantly�I called her Rhiannon. I made her into this wonderful being�someone who was loved, someone who was mysterious and beautiful. I made her into the image of what I wished to be. She was determined, and strong. She was a masterpiece, there�s no other way to describe her. Reality struck me when all seemed to be well. But the truth is, she wasn�t an alter ego. She�s as much a part of me as I am a part of her. She was my escape, my expressionist. She allowed me to convey myself in a way I never thought I could. And maybe he�s right. Maybe she is dead. Or maybe I just won�t let her surface, because I�m afraid of what will happen. Because, there are people who love Shannon, and then there are those who love Rhiannon. And somehow, it seems impossible for anyone to love them as one being. I am not two different people. I am not insane. I�m Shannon, but I�m also Rhiannon. Do you get it? They�re one in the same. I wish people would realize that. I used to make Rhiannon into someone I thought I wasn�t. But the truth is, Rhiannon is me. Just as Shannon is me. A name is just a name. It�s a label, something we give an object or a being to make it real. I called her Rhiannon in honor of the name I was never given. She�s real, just like Shannon. And yes, I am human. More so than most would believe. I make mistakes, and god be damned, I get confused rather easily. I have quite the imagination, and I have the will to live. But I�m tired of trying to satisfy those who love one side of me and not the other. Rhiannon = Shannon. We�re one in the same. I want you to see that, RK. I�m writing all this for you, so maybe you can see the truth behind it all. To show you that Rhiannon is still alive and well, just as Shannon is. Though Shannon displeases you, and you prefer Rhiannon�s company, I can�t be one for you and the other for everyone else. That�s like running from one room to another, trying to hide something from one room, and something else for another. That�s like being preppy around the preps and dark around the loners. To be Rhiannon for you, and Shannon for everyone else, is more of a burden than I wish to carry. I am not a poser, RK. I know who I am. I am Shannon Haskins, as well as Rhiannon. I�ve said it quite a bit already, but you need to understand this. I can�t be two people. Please, just accept me for who I am. I�m not perfect, and I have made some unwise decisions. But I will not dwell in the past. I hope you can find it within your heart to forgive me, and let�s just start over. I do care about you RK, believe it or not. I know I�m one cocky child, and I know I�m stubborn, but so are you. I�m not going to change. Not for the sake of pleasing you, and the rest of the community that adores Rhiannon. We�re the same person, just as you and RK are one in the same. In a way, we all have our own Rhiannons and RKs. Everyone has their inner demons. Everyone has this image of who they wish they could be. It�s just, our wishes have become a reality. They�re a part of us. You can�t change it, and either can I. And I won�t play the role of one without the other. I�m both. Please, accept that.
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