22 JUNE 2003
Crimson tears fall from empty pools of navy. Shame is a mask commonly worn. Devoid of all emotion, soul and heart wrapped in ebony. An impenetrable shell of false promises laced with bone-deep scars. The mind is shattered; all hope has flown away. Trapped in a sea of darkness, unable to break free. All of this because I bared my very essence, my once carefree soul. I trusted all of you � what a mistake. Now my heart is in shambles, barely beating as it lays on the floor. Blood pours from invisible wounds, ones no one could ever heal. Trust is over-rated, this much I�ve learned. I wish to visit the land of Nod, to visit my dark creator. Maybe he can cleanse my wounds with the tears of innocents. Until then, I lay here, crying, bleeding, and begging for release. Praying to anyone who will listen. Sure, you listen, but hearing words such as theses doesn�t mean you understand. Somehow, I want my words, my truth, to burn into your mind, to haunt your every thought. You deserve it; after all you�ve put me through. I feel nothing as you die before my unseeing eyes, after all, what we cannot see, we cannot care for.
End it here, end it now. You would think I could feel the pain, but I seem to be immune to its� confining holds. The pills should kick in any time now. The blood should be draining out of me, leaving me hollow, an empty shell. My eyes are closed when you arrive, yet I know you�re there. You fear I�m gone. But after checking for a pulse, your fear is replaced with anger, and perhaps a hint of disappointment? You thought I was stronger than this, ne? You judged me by my attitude, never taking the time to scratch the surface, to observe what�s under the ice. A black heart, a void � never to be filled. Scars litter my body, but they mean nothing to you. Tying socks, oh yes, socks, around my wrists, in a feeble attempt to save my life, you reach for the phone. �Lo and behold, the ambulance arrives too late. You fool. I stand over my body, Death holding me close. I turn, and walk into the light. I�m gone. You cry. Apologies pour from your trembling lips, all too late. You failed me before, but it never mattered back then. But this failure was your grandest yet, and what a price to pay. Your stubbornness, your stupidity, your pride has ended a life. How many more must die before you change your ways? I remember now that change is your enemy. What a pity.
I�ve come to realize that if I stand still, frozen in time, a future will be impossible, and if there�s no future, there can never be a past. Let the seasons come and go, let the elements do their worse, let my feet sink into the ground. Let the vines wrap themselves around my still form, claiming me as their own. I pray someone will remember me, maybe leave flowers once in a while. A plaque would be nice, so no one suffers the same fate as I. To warn the future generations that giving up gets you nowhere, death is far worse than life. Beware young ones, temptation will be at every turn, and it takes strength to resist the very things that will be your downfall.
What have I become? Why do I no longer feel? As the razor breaks the skin, and the blood begins to flow, not a tear is shed. I feel no regret. Sorrow encases my soul; hope attempts to mend my broken spirit. It�s inevitable; pain follows my every move, just dying for a reason to pounce. Goodbyes are hard, but hurting those I hold close hurts even more. My heart has been stabbed so many times; all emotions fall out, dissolving in the acidic pit of my stomach. As times passes, new scars form, no matter what I desire. Friendship, love, not meant for me. I know deep down that I am a disappointment; I do nothing but let you down.
Waiting for your sanity to take away all the death, it haunts your beautiful, once carefree, loving, eyes.
Chasing down an impossible fairy-tale is like trying to capture moonlight in a glass jar. It cannot be done. Just like I cannot live without you by my side. You awaken a long-dead fire in my heart. You take the walls, and tear them down, brick by brick. Each day, you come that much closer to discovering the truth of who I really am. Should I let you continue on? Or should I push you away as I do with every other human that comes near? Why am I so fascinating to all of you? What draws you to me? Is it my unreadable navy eyes? Is it the way words flow off my tongue? Is it my haunting appearance? Can you see straight into my battered soul? Stay back, I will only bring you grief. Keep out, or you�ll be forever tangled in the web of empty promises and useless words. My scars will terrify you into a state of insanity. My heartstrings will choke you. My nails will tear you apart. My eyes will see right through your lies and haunt your every waking thought. I am Death. I am not what you want. I am Hatred, Sorrow, Pain, Suffering. I am your everything, yet I mean nothing to you.
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