Long celebration:
A Couple was dining out one evening, when the wife noticed a familiar face at the restaurants Bar.
'Honey,' she said as she pointed the guy out, 'I know that guy at the bar and he has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.
Her husband replied quickly, “ That is silly no one celebrates that long.”

Saddest Story:
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, 'Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way.'
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
'I will tell my saddest story first,' he said. 'I left the room key in the car!!!'

Gate’s visit to Bihar:
Gates: Hi! You must have heard of Windows.
Laloo: Oh yes! We have the concept of single window clearance in almost all our offices.
Gates: Do you have Windows installed at your home as well?
Laloo: No, I have sealed all the Windows as we always run the risk of burglary etc.
Gates: (a little confused at this) Then what exactly is the system you operate on?
Laloo: OPERATION? Yes, I was operated on Hernia last month.
Gates (sweating at Laloo’s knowledge): I hope Internet is being used a lot in Bihar.
Laloo: Oh Yes! There are a lot of mosquitoes and a lot of people use the net to keep them away.
Gates: (bewildered at the response) By the year 2010, will India be in a position to export microchips?
Laloo: We export Uncle Chips worth crores every year.
Gates (feeling very Uneasy): Do you use a Laptop regularly?
Laloo: My grandchildren sleep on my lap every evening.
Gates (sweating profusely): It seems that the chief minister of Andhra Pradesh knows more about RAM and ROM than you?
Laloo: RUM? We are taking off the ban very soon and it will be available freely.
Gates (feeling dizzy at this): Well, I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I am sorry; I have exhausted all my leave.
Gates: I have no energy left. Let’s go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates: (found lying flat) Windows is restarting. Please wait.

GOD IS MISSING:
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, 'Where is God?'
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, 'Where is God?'
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, 'Where is God?'
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, 'We are in BIG trouble.'
The older boy asked, 'What do you mean, BIG trouble?' His brother replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it.'

Insulted?
When the man came home, his wife was crying. 'Your mother insulted me,' she sobbed.
'My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?' the man asked.
'I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.'
'And?'
'At the end of the letter it was written:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'

Grandma’s confession:
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a petty paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She replied, 'Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.'
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, 'If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!'

Light a Candle for you:
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. 'Hello,' said the Father, 'and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?'
She replied, 'That you did, Father.'
The priest asked, 'And are there any little ones yet?'
'No, not yet Father,' said she.
'Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you.'
'Thank you, Father.' And away she went.
A few years later they met again. 'Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan,' said the Father, 'how are you?' 'Oh, very well,' said she.
'And tell me,' he said, 'Have you any little ones yet?'
'Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all.'
'Now isn't that wonderful,' he said 'And how is your lovely husband?'
'Oh,' she said, 'he's gone to Rome to blow out the damn candle!'

When angry count four, when very angry swear.

Glory follows virtue as if it were its shadow.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.

Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.

Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves, but deal in our privacy with the last honesty and truth.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humour teaches tolerance.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.