Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Arguement (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurrs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire." Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner." Blond jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend an hour and a half writing, then forget to take it with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*ser) n. Someone who is able to create a style that you will never be able to duplicate. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 30 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus...breathe...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips: color to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar: coloring only a tramp would wear. Park (park) v/n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck" After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and a slide. Patience (pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers" Valentine's Day (val*en*tinz dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Waterproof Mascara (Wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway
3 Men and Their Stupid Wives
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!" The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"