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Not what I expected
Still cold inside this room.
Do they really hear me scream?
And so what if I'm bored.
What difference should it make?
I guess I still feel cold inside.
My warmth is miles away.
He sits in his room, waiting for
my call. And if I could call,
I'd feel only slightly better.
To have him in my arms.
That would be bliss.

Parent Time

I forgot how to feel this way.
Harbored by the fact I have no love.
No love for the weak of mind.
And so I sit in this crevase.
Tossed between the sirens.
I forgot the perils of war.
Secret intelligence agent.
What they said, it's on tape.
Yeah, the one running in my head.

Matt Loves Me

I listen to every word
I take in every moment.
I quicken every breath.
I deepen every sigh.
I prolong every second.
I wish on every star.
I kiss every inch.
I stare every time.
I thank you every day.

Good to be me?
When I'm so cold, tired, hurt
and crying all the time.
If that's what you want.
A shell of a person.
A shell of a daughter.
Then you've got it.
In all of it's twisted,
agonizing glory. I'm only
pieces of what I used to be.
Sure I changed. And the old me
won't be back.
She said she's tired of my attitude.
And though I begged her to stay,
she ran for her life.
And so should you

It's still outside. Without a sound.
I can't speak.

Silence, it has rendered me,
Soulless, searching in the wall.
I found out nothing.
I found it was the "rest" that
lingered in my brain.

Crazy

call me crazy, but I swear things are shifting. I feel axis' spinning in 180 degree turns. and as of yet, I don't know it to be good or bad.
hey, I bet I have friends somewhere. I just can't get them back in my life. but I'm trying, and it's still possible.
anything is possible, even the end. the end of me, and that other thing. hey, I better be on my toes. cause I swear things are shifting.

!!!!!FAKE!!!!!

I really tried to be strong.
and no one was better
at putting on that fake smile.
Oh, god it looked so real.
But when did it get to be,
way too much?
I fake it all the time
I fake it all the time.
the laugh, the cry,
the love for him, I have
his eyes,
Was created for a purpose.
Know not what that is now.
To save my mother, family?
I had to save myself, mom.
It got to be,
way too much.
I faked it all the time
I faked it all the time.
The laugh, the cry,
the love for him, I had
to try.

Asking all those questions, being the assertive girl. Hey, baby where ya goin'? Did I flush him out? Who asks you for those reasons,
why earth and sky collide in that simplest expression, the earliest of dawns.
Come hither stare, taht one you do, hey baby what are you up to? Findin' why the grass is green and bees make honey now and then. Shows clear lack of attention, it's all in the details, baby. This whole world's about the differences in every little thing.

I went walking in the most familiar places and they bring strange memories
I stay at home and ponder them. These thoughts they come w/ ease.

About last week when things were wrong and policemen flew by night.
All the chaos going on and all the thing that just weren't right.

Early evening we get a call, she wants to come and stay.
The next morn we see her not, and still she stays away.

I can't find words for this troubled time. I can't make myself give up,
The images inside my heart and the people whom I trust.

I've come to be a night dweller and seem to like it well.
Wear all black and pale my face to get ever closer to hell.

"Come in for a visit and stay for a while."
"No I can't miss, I really must be flying."

I wish I was beautiful on the outside
I wish nothing ever hurt me.
I'm only pretty on the inside.
Where no one else can see.

I sleep so hard, that's true.
And so what if all my stars
Are packed away in a sack.
I still see them when the sound in my head fades so far away, so much so that it just might be a cloudless, almost perfect sky.

He lays upon me like a cloud on water. His fingertips pressed to the flesh, and it melts.
He holds up that world, like a cloud on water. He sings to the air, and all the way there, it melts.

Demons in my head. I have reached a conclusion. They consume my dreams and thoughts and fears. Outstretching arms and billowing robes. Coat tails and bow ties and shined up shoes. They have their many shapes and forms. With one exception to the rule, he is fair. He is the shining light in the bolt of strobing cobalt across a crimson sky. The smoothest skin and softest hair w/ lips firm and supple. His breathing light as mist on mountains and voice is weathered and calming, like that of a trusted old friend. Let this take you in and all is lost. You might as well walk on the highway without a drop of life insurance because though he is fair and Romanly built. Though he is the softest touch to your skin and the gentle breath that eases you to a restful folly of sweet imperfect dreams�..He is not to be trusted. Not to be lusted for because those talons rap around you, those scars he hides run deep. These crevasses will swallow you and never let you out. So sink and sink in the murk and mire of your darkest fear, let the demons consume your soul. But never fall in love my friends for you will pay the toll.

BABIES

Babies, I don't want any babies.
Sweetie, you can have my baby eggs.
I had a baby, she wasn't mine.
A sister yes, but what's the difference?
Those white, occupated people, they
flashed that stringy-haired babydoll.
She ran from me for a puppy, baby.
I lost my baby, too, Tori.
I didn't bleed, I didn't
But in the bare night, I cried.

Graveyard at the edge of town
where I read my poems.
The dead, they walk so
gracefully in the mud.
Grocery in the center of town
where I go to clense myself.
The solitary comfort of
that aisle of canned food.
I guess I just got tired
of loving life so much
I guess I just got wired
to the harmony in penatenturizing
myself.

Falling

falling, asleep, I'm falling.
he says, asleep, the most beautiful things.
falling, in love, I'm always.
he says, in love, my voice is like water, running.
falling, asleep, I'm drifting.
he says, asleep, the most beautiful things.
falling, in love, he's sleeping.
I'm falling all over again.

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