"Guess what you guys?" Hailey had come bounding into our usual circle, her long hair flying out behind her. The rest of us were sitting under our favorite tree, second planter on the left, centrally located between the north campus girls restroom and the most reliable coke machine. We all waited patiently for Hailey to tell us her news, knowing her love for the dramatic pause to build suspense. Her ice blue eyes flashed with excitement over whatever she was going to say.
After waiting what she felt like was the right amount of time, she smiled a brilliant smile. "Ben finally asked me out!"
The rest of the girls laughed. It was a commonly known fact that Ben was into Hailey, along with almost every other guy we knew.
I looked around at the girls around me, wondering again where on earth I fit in. There were six of us total, each one with her own identity. Except me. Hailey, already introduced, was "the pretty one". Rozalyn was the leader, opinionated and outspoken. Jessica was the athletic one. Kristen was the young innocent one, and Elissa was the shy, quiet one.
And I was... nothing. Well, not "nothing" exactly... I was a mix of each one of them, yet not really like any one of them. I wanted my own identity, but yet I wanted to be just like them. I'm a walking contradiction.
It was not the first time I felt misplaced within this group of girls, each with her own personality and decent number of admirers. Hailey, of course, had the most.
While I… I had Ben. Or did anyways. But I'm getting ahead of myself. To clarify, Ben wasn't my boyfriend. He was my best, oldest and dearest friend, which in every way was almost better than his being my boyfriend. Almost.
I don't know exactly when I fell in love with Ben. It could have been anywhere from the first time we walked to school together by ourselves in the 5th grade, to our first (of three) kiss in junior high, or the first time we stayed out past curfew and got grounded for a month. But whenever it was, it WAS. I know it was.
Everything about him was beautiful. I knew him, his expressions, his habits, his likes and dislikes, all the little idiosyncrasies you learn about a person after a lifetime of friendship. And he knew all that about me. He knew me better than I knew myself. He could even tell what I was really thinking, at any given moment. "Could" being the operative work. I think he's starting to lose his touch. Either that or I've gotten a lot better at acting.
Hailey was thrilled that day. I should've been happy for her, right? I mean, she is one of my best friends; I should be happy for her. Well, if you think that then you don't understand human nature very well. Of course I would be happy for her, if it wasn't at the expense of my own happiness. Yes, I was highly selfish person.
Now don't get me wrong, I love Hailey. It's just that she tends to be a bit fickle when it comes to guys, flaky even. I just don't want Ben to get hurt. Not that it's guaranteed that Hailey will hurt him and break his heart. But I don't even want him to be even in the vicinity that something might hurt him. A bit extreme I know. But that's how I feel. Like an overprotective parent that won't let their child play in the front yard just in case he could get hit by a car.
I wasn't surprised that day, though. See, I already knew. Ben told me that he was going to ask Hailey out about a week before that. So I already had time to practice being happy and laughing and acting like it was no big deal. But of course it was.
I had my cry already. It's like that one Brian McKnight song. It's a beautiful song, but very sad. "My shattered dreams and broken heart are mending..." Well, maybe it's not like that. I don't think anything is mending.
When Ben told me, I wasn't shocked; I could tell what he was going to say once he walked into my room, his eyes all lit up like it did when he was excited. He was so beautiful when his
eyes flashed like that. I even remember what he was wearing that day. His favorite black sweater and new jeans that MY mom bought for him. I think it was the fact that he was wearing black. It made his eyes stand out. <sigh> Okay, my near photographic memory is starting to make me giddy, which is completely ruining the whole melancholy tone I've had going so far.
I hated the fact that I'm going to lose him. Oh sure, people have told me that the time will come when one of us gets married or gets into a really serious relationship and we wouldn't be able to be as close as we are right now. But I always assumed that the time would come in the far FAR future. I mean, we're only in high school!
I hate being wrong.
I hate this feeling. Knowing that for Ben to be happy, I can't be.
Ben doesn't know I'm in love with him. And he's never gonna find out. There's no way I'll tell him now. Ben's happy, and that's good enough for me.
I feel like one of those characters in an early Louisa May Alcott story. One of the characters always has to sacrifice their own love for the sake of someone else. Those characters are all so noble. Somehow I don't think I'm being that noble. I'm just a little girl who was to scared to tell her best friend she was in love with him.
Maybe one day, God has someone even better for me, better than Ben. Which can only be incredible because Ben's pretty amazing. But for now, I'm struggling to find a way to get over Ben. Who knows? Maybe I never will. And maybe I'll never find where I fit in when my friends, and where my identity lies. But then again, maybe I will.
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