She leaned back in her chair, her tired eyes taking in all
the commotion that surrounded her. Christmas.
Laughing, talking adults, hyper, smiling children.
Everyone rushing around in a joyous tumbled mess.
But she still sat, alone. Surrounded
by loving family, yet feeling so utterly alone.
The noise around her escalated, until it deadened to a dull roar.
She raised a hand to her forehead with a sigh, rubbing away a
non-existent headache. She felt
none of the happiness that surrounded her, none of the good cheer that
characterized this time of year.
But she wasn’t sure why.
There was no devastating tragedy to spur her sadness, no tearful
disappointment that explained her quiet demeanor. Her young mind, so gifted, so talented when it came to
seeking the insight in other people, seemed to draw a blank when it came to her
own feelings.
She tried in vain to methodically sort through the chaos in
her mind, giving up when the effort made her more tired than she was already.
She was tired, so tired of her confusion and of not knowing,
but it was not the type of tiredness that could be cured by sleep.
For sleep only served as a temporal escape from her undiscovered
problems.
She breathed a deep sigh, wanting nothing more than just to
think about something else, anything else.
It didn’t seem fair that she should suffer.
After all, she tried her best to hold on.
She gave everything she had and was only left with a broken heart.
She tried to force her mind away, but she just couldn’t.
Her eyes slid shut as she remembered the eyes that once shone affection,
the easy gait that practically oozed confidence, the quick laugh, and the
brilliant smile. The pure
attraction and masculinity wrapped up in one word, one name.
One name that she would not let herself think, even though she could
still picture every movement, every smile, every laugh.
But he was gone. He
had been gone actually for several months, a decent amount of time, where you
would think that he wasn’t constantly on her mind, where her memories
wouldn’t break her heart again every time she saw him, where she should have
moved on. You would think that, wouldn’t you?
But nothing could be further from the truth.
It was the way he was gone, more than just the fact that he
was gone. Just out of the blue,
when she was lulled into a sense of security, it happened. And there was nothing she could do to stop it.
He just walked out. Though
not out of her life, which would have made things so much easier.
Just one day, the phone calls stopped, and the smiles stopped being sent
in her direction. And she still
didn’t know why.
And she still had to see him. She wasn’t granted the luxury of having him disappear from
her world for several months. He
was around all too often. And every
time he was around she was drawn to him. She
couldn’t look away even if she wanted to.
But of course, he took no notice.
She wouldn’t be surprised if he just forgot she existed.
And that was the worse part.
She leaned back and stretched her aching muscles, trying to
resist the pleading of her young cousins to join the younger generation around
the Christmas tree. Finally the
numerous pairs of sad brown eyes tugged at her heartstrings and she consented.
Her eyes took in all the painstakingly placed decorations.
It was the first time she had really looked at them and she was struck by
their beauty. The holidays had
always been her favorite time of year. That
is, until this year.
She closed her eyes for a moment, praying for strength to try
again. To try and forget, to try
and move on. She breathed a deep
sigh, feeling the warmth of the fire on her skin.
A little cousin snuggled close to her side as they listened to Grandpa
telling stories of Christmases past. She
looked down and placed her hand on the silky black head. Her cousin smiled up at her with sweet “Precious Moment”
eyes, the embodiment of innocence and goodness.
And she forgot. Just
for a moment, he didn’t exist. All
that existed was the warm fire, the twinkling lights, the little girl snuggled
close to her side, and… Christmas. And
that was all.
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