Dear Alexis,      It�s Momma.  It has been almost twelve weeks since I last saw you.  I still remember your sweet little face and your chubby little hands.  When I close my eyes I can smell your smell.  You know, the smell that you had at your neck.  It brings me a lot of comfort.      I don�t understand why you had to leave.  It just doesn�t seem fair.  Christmas just passed and it didn�t bring joy this year like it did in the past.  I miss you and think about you all of the time.  I see mothers in the store with their babies and wish that that was me with you.  I wish I didn�t feel that way, but I just can�t seem to help it.      I go to your grave and sit by it a lot.  I hope you can hear me when I talk to you.  I�d like to think that you can.  I �hear� you sometimes at night.  I get out of bed to check on you and realize that it was just my mind playing tricks on me.  I think part of me still hopes that this is a bad dream and that I am going to wake up and you will be there.  The hard part has been accepting that you will never be back.  I feel you sometimes.  It seems so real to me.  It seems like all I have to do is turn around and you will be there.       I hope that you are in heaven with your grandfathers.  I know I will get to see you and hold you again one day.  I just have to finish my work in this place first.  It may not be for a long time, but I will see you again.  I wonder a lot if children grow up in heaven.  If I will recognize you and if you will remember me.  I hope so. You touched so many lives when you were here.  You have taught me a lot about being a mother and about love.  I am still learning from your spirit.  I hope I will continue to learn from you.  I hope that I will one day understand.      Your Daddy grieves for you terribly.  He will write to you also one day.  He just can�t do it yet.  I think the pain is just too much for him right now.  We are all learning how to move on and it is a painful lesson.  Grandma and Grandpa have been hurting terribly too.  There is so much pain it feels like we are all going through the motions.       I have struggled with this letter for a long time.  Trying to find the �right� words to say.  The biggest problem has been trying to find a way to end it.  I can�t bear to say goodbye to you.  I don�t know how.  There are a lot of things that I want to say to you.  I hope you can hear me when I pray.  I hope you are happy in heaven and that our family is there to take care of you.  I will see you again.  Until that time, please know that I love you. Love Always Momma

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