myangelday

My Return to Heaven

    Brandon's angel day started as every other day. We watched a few cartoons in the morning and then went to run errands for the day before it got too hot. We stopped at Moore Games, a local card and game shop, to buy his older brother more Pokemon cards and the magazine to determine each cards worth. As I was getting Brandon out of the car, I discovered a blow out diaper and so I cleaned him up and changed his clothes on the trunk of the car. After Moore Games, we made are routine stop at Wal-Mart followed by lunch and home.
     Around 1:00 p.m., I nursed Brandon and gave him a supplement of formula as Mom's milk just wasn't enough to satisfy his growing body. When he finished eating I gave him his mid-day doses of medicine. He had been diagnosed earlier in the week with ear infections in both ears so he was on antibiotics. He was also getting Nyastatin for the thrush he was still fighting after 2 1/2 weeks and Tylenol for any pain and fever.
      About 2:00 p.m., Brandon had settled down and fell asleep for his afternoon nap. I put him down in his bed, covered him with a light blanket and shut the door a bit. I didn't know that this would be the last time that I saw my baby boy alive.
     I took advantage of Brandon's napping to start working on a project for Calvin. He has so many Pokemon cards that it is hard to keep track of what he has. So with the magazine, I was going to document the cards by their appropriate decks and make a space for tracking the cards worth. This was really the first time I had been on the computer in six weeks. Needless to say, I lost track of time. This with Calvin and two of his friends playing Nintendo and cops and robbers in the house. I remember that I kept yelling at them to be quite as the baby was sleeping.
     I looked up at my computer and caught a glimpse of the time, it was 5:00. I told myself..."gee Bran sure is taking a good nap. I better get to a stopping point 'cause he's going to be waking up soon and want to nurse and then if I don't keep him awake, he won't sleep tonight."
     Around 6:00 p.m. I was finished with my project and was talking to a neighbor friend. While she went to check on dinner, I said I was going to check on Bran as sometimes he just lies in his bed awake looking around. This is when my ever-living nightmare begins............
     I went into our room with Calvin right behind me and noticed Brandon was lying on his face. (I am sorry but Brandon was a stomach sleeper no matter what I tried but he was good at keeping his face turned to one side or the other). I went for him saying, "bran what are you doing? You know you can't sleep that way you need to turn your face." That's when I realized that the back of his head was purple looking except for a stark white spot right on the top. I thought that was strange and went to pick him up. I always picked him up face down and lifted him up a little before turning him over...it was a game we played.   I instantly realized something was wrong...he was freezing cold, extremely heavy and rigid. I flipped him over and that face is something I don't ever want to remember. His face was swollen and purple black except for around the top of his eyes, his nose which was pugged in and around his mouth which was opened a real tiny bit. His eyes were slightly opened.   I SCREAMED IN SHOCK for Calvin to go tell the neighbor to call 911 "brandon's dead, brandon's dead." The neighbor heard me screaming frantically and came running upstairs. I said "brandon's dead, I killed my baby, I killed my baby. I neglected him by letting him take such a long nap without checking on him. I killed my baby." To say I was in shock would be an understatement. Soon after my neighbor arrived, another neighbor showed up and grabbed Brandon and started CPR; even though I told him not to bother. I knew Brandon was dead and there was nothing anyone could do. I did try CPR myself but I knew it was too late so I was just cradling my baby. My neighbors took me to another room and soon the paramedics showed up. They started asking a million questions and working on Brandon. Again I asked them to just leave him in peace. I said, "that's just my baby's body his heart and soul are already with God. I killed my baby isn't that enough can't you just leave him alone." They said that by law they had to begin resuscitation procedures until directed by a doctor or medical examiner to stop. They had my neighbors take me outside. Soon a paramedic came out and informed me that Brandon was dead and that it was being ruled SIDS and that it was not my fault.
     Sometime after that my parents arrived as I called them in shock and told them Brandon was dead that I killed him. My husband's "boss" had been paged and so they all arrived soon too. Things and time all become a blur now. I was questioned by the police (I knew the officer as I used to baby-sit his little girls) and then again by a detective. I wasn't allowed to be with my baby without a police officer hovering over my shoulder and they wouldn't let me hold him. He was still so cold and that's when I remembered the huge blanket that I crotchet for him. I asked my mom to get it from under his bed and we put it over him. I told the police officer that under no circumstances was he to ever be without that blanket. He was to be wrapped in it at all times. The funeral director gently wrapped Brandon in that blanket when he left with him and Brandon was buried wrapped in that blanket.
    Again I don't remember much of that evening. Calvin went to stay with my parents and Rick and I went to tell his mother and then spent a few nights away from home in a motel.
    The next morning my parents, Rick and I went to the funeral home to make all the necessary arrangements. We wrote Brandon's obituary, we decided on his service and then music, we picked a cemetery, a casket and a head stone and filled out and signed all kinds of papers. Finally we got to see Brandon. It was the hardest thing I have ever done (I thought). But the gal who was helping our family told me that Brandon didn't look the same as he had the night before. I needed to see him. It was a miracle; all during the night I kept seeing that purply black face and I couldn't remember him from his pictures; I prayed that would change. My prayer was answered. The normal color had returned and his face wasn't so swollen. His cheeks were actually kind of puffy and rosey looking and his lips were turned upward - he looked like he was smiling from ear to ear. I remember saying, "Look...he's smiling. He is already having so much fun in heaven! What a lucky kid!"
    Brandon's funeral was on July 26th. We had a real nice service at the funeral home and then went to the cemetery for a graveside service. Our Pastor said a few words and a prayer and concluded the service. Everyone waited for us to leave but we wanted to wait to see his casket lowered in the ground. Rick ended up helping with that and then said he wanted to be the first to put dirt on his son's casket. That started a round of family and friends shoveling a load of dirt and saying their good-byes. What an experience!
    After the graveside service, there was a potluck at our apartment complex for friends and family to gather. This was really nice, as the funeral was such a blur to me. The next few weeks are still a blur to me. I guess that's what shock does to you.