I like John better when he is a little drunk. Much of the time he seems cold and didactic, but with enough beer, he relaxes and can goof on himself. Of course I spend more than a little time poking him in the ideology. So if he is more to my liking tipsy, it may be that I just don't goad a man when his frontal lobes are down.

Last night we talked some about "outlaws." I was surprised to hear him say that he felt like an outsider in life. Under all his difference in style, he is amazingly like all of us at the dojo: Patty, George, Andy, me. I wonder if this is because of the fundamental similarities of all people, or whether there is some selection process at work around Sensei. This is a "chicken and egg" question. Are we here because we choose to learn from him?

John is good for our household. He argues with Sensei about sociology and collaborates with him on craft projects. Right now, they are talking about building a boat and I am really afraid of the clutter that would be involved. At least it looks like they won't start for a while.

October 6, 1980

Patty seems to think John is grunting at her.

I don't know the meaning of it, but I think I've sometimes seen the grunts. Despite all his poses, I think John has an idealist in him. I think he has a well-developed reflex against letting this show, and most of the time it makes him overbearing and righteous. He tells stories for their value as "exploits" and he trains himself for trim and fighting strength. He seems to value stoic reticence. Women may not be conquests to him, but I wonder how he would respond to an aggressive attempt by some woman to seduce him? Contempt? For all of that, I would say that John is more a victim of growing up male than an enthusiast for "pig" values. He is just uncomfortable with any other mode of behavior.

Still, locked into roles, he and Patty could be really unpleasant.

Sensei seems in good mental shape these days. I guess one of the reasons I accepted his offer to share a house was that it would be good for his teaching--which I wanted to see more of--for him to have a stable household. That seems to be true, though I doubt that it will make him any more businesslike in running his life. Actually, I expect him to unload more and more of his day-to-day responsibilities on Patty, John and me. I only hope that we aren't expected to handle them much better than he does.

Dad will be down here next week and I want him to meet Sensei. It will be interesting, but I'm not really apprehensive. I am depending on their good manners--and mutual ignorance--to keep things from getting too interesting.

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