Dr

    This is a true story that I made up while on my world wide tour of Chicago. My name is John Pershing...thats Doctor John Pershing (hence Dr.P). I am a Pediatrist who specializes in broken ears. If your ear has been recently broken come see me and I'll remove it promptly. I have started a collection of ears that I have removed. I keep them in my garage. My wife kept yelling at me to throw them out, "they are disgusting" she would say. So I shot her in the ass with my sons pellet gun. Of course she then asked for an anullment of our marriage. I was very upset. I thought she was cheating on me. I saw her with another man once, so I pulled out my .44 Magnum, and shot him. Blew the back of his head right off. I sure messed up his pretty face. Unfortunately for me it was my wifes divorce lawyer that I had just murdered. It reminded me of this time I was in Reno and shot a man just to see him die. But all this is behind me now. That was a long time ago. Its a new week now and I'm ready to start over. No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes.
       I was born in London, England February 30th, 1987. My parents were on a "vacation" for six years. In which time they traveled most of Europe, and lived in an treehouses in Sherwoon Forest. Where my daddy often played with momma's squeeze box that she wore on her chest. Spontaneously moving from city to city whenever a man in a white hat appeared in that particular town. I later found out that my parents were running from the United States Government to avoid felony charges of laughing while intoxicated and reckless bicycling down a waterfall. My parents were captured four months after I was born. I remember this one time, at band camp, in Sicily, I met a girl who's name was Zowie. She lived in Chicago-ey. She moved to Buffalo-ey, where its snow-ey. Zowie had a sister, and I could not resist her, I tried one time to kiss her but I missed her! And that's how I met Zowie!! After my parents were put to death for crimes against humanity in 1986, I moved in with Zowie and was born a year later. Zowie and her sister were married in 1992 in Penn Yan, NY. Where incest is not only accepted but very common. A person is usually related to themselves and their siblings in two or three ways. Fascinating! In late 1994 Zowie gave birth to the couples first offspring....a platypus they named Moose. Moose died a few months later from complications of a speech impediment. I moved on. I relocated from Chicago and bought a van down by the river in Sweet Home Alabama. I took a job as a stock boy at an empty warehouse. In the middle of the nights I took Medicinal classes at the local PTA meetings. In 13 short years I became a doctor of feet. On Friday afternoons I play night-golf at the community swimming pool. As you can see I lead a very complicated life. Balancing time between my incapacitated wife and my job, where I am in charge of filing the complaints of neighbours against the mayor of Rome. Recently I invested in a pirhauna farm in the tropics of southern New Jersey. Unfortunatly for me the winters there get pretty cold and all my pirhauna's were frozen to death. I have since filed for bankruptcy. I was denied on the fact that I still had $45,000 in my checking account.
      It was December, in the early summer of '96 when I met a man they called.....Mr.Will. Mr.Will and I were stranded in the Andes with our rugby team. We had too resort to cannabilism to stay alive. Mr.Will was intoxicated at the time we met...I rescued him from certain death as he tried to navigate through the dense jungles of southern Colorado on a moped he had stolen from our coach, who incidently had been eaten alive by the rst of the team. I immediately noticed that Mr.Will had an affection for smelling Toucan droppings...I liked that in a man. Mr.Will and I have since spent many a days mocking, tormenting, and teasing anyone and everyone. No one escapes the wrath of our torture. Together we have made more than one person cry.
       A year earlier in 1997 I met another man who would later join our elite group. People called him.......R. R enjoyed lots of Pun-Tang. Unfortunately he loved making love to my pet chimp Mr. Peepers. Aside from the fact that he broke into peoples houses to steal their laundry...R was half-assed normal. R shared the same views as Mr.Will and I, so we decided to let him join us. R was not as vocal or ambitious in carrying out the missions of our secret society. This kept R from acheiving his mister-hood. However, certain events by R have allowed him to acheive the title of mister. Mr.R had an "altercation" with the police and was in a bit of trouble. If you are wondering what he did...click here.
      Six years from tomorrow I met Mr.L! Mr.L was just as crazy as I, and liked to lick sweaty jock straps more. His fetish for over-cooked caterpillars made me realize what an asset he would be for our organization. Mr.L is a quiet man as he once told me while we screamed and yelled from the top of high buildings and flung poo at passers-by below us. Mr.L reminds me of a man named Curtis Lowe...except Curt was a black man and Mr.L is not...and Curtis Lowe was the finest picker to ever play the blues. Mr.L knows no blues except for the smurfs that run around in his head. Which reminds me...where is the Toucan? Mr.L once told me a wise thing. He said, "If the toilet seat is broken...then melons in the morning!" I never forgot that.
        Once I dreamt that the world was ruled by DAMN DIRTY APES!! Actually I didn't, I just heard that somewhere.   At one time I drove a newspaper taxi for a living, what is a newspaper taxi you ask. I dont know...thats probably why I was fired immediately. At the ripe old age of nine I joined the United States Marine Corps. I was put in charge of sorting laundry and getting the General his Ex-Lax three times daily. They even gave me a really cool gun to shoot people with too! When I was up for active duty I wet my pants...TWICE!! When I turned eleven I was ritualistically thrown out of the African Ant Farm I was lving in, the mother Ape no longer wanted to care for me. I decided that I would become a motivational speaker. Once again I lived in a van down by the river. I toured inner-city farm land in my Magic Bus. I was known as Mr. Saturday Night Special to all the ladies who accompanied me backstage after my speeches. But alas all good things come to an end. I fell on hard times in late 1975...I slipped while walking down a stone path and fractured my patella and lost my C5 vertabrae, which I still have not found...and that makes swimming in jello and throwing Whale fins rather difficult. In all honesty...I really can't wait to die. There will be fun and dancing at my funeral, a buffet, and plenty to drink. I am gonna put the "FUN" back in funeral baby, YEAH!! But until then I guess I am doomed for all eternity to listen to Barry Manilw records, and see reruns of "The Cosby Show." I dont know why i deserve this, maybe it was for turning that one man into an Ethiopian Walrus. He had it coming tho, he deserved it. You see, one day in mid-summer or early winter 2006, while I was out walking my hamster Mr. Jiggles, he sped by driving the Oscar Mayar Weiner Mobile! He must have thought that Mr. Jiggles was a speed bump because he didnt even slow down. And if he did think that Mr. Jiggles was a speedbump, he need his eyes checked becasue Mr. Jiggles couldn't have been more that 4 inches long. All i ask is that when a tiny itty-bitty
hamster runs out into traffic that someone jam on their brakes, swerve, and avoid them at all costs! is that so much to ask?? OH HELL!!!! SCREW IT!!!! I'LL JUST LIVE IN MY CARDBOARD BOX FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?!?!?! WELL YOU GOT IT!!!!
         I have had a rather full life, only a few complaints,...(1) I never did it with Yasmine Bleeth. (2) I did it with Janet Reno. (3) I have not yet poisoned a reservoir. (4) World domination is not yet mine. (5) I have not shot a Bald Eagle or a Giant Panda. (6) Humans have not yet evolved to have the ability to go invisible. (7) This one time at band camp. (8) I have to pay alimony to an alien I screwed while on that asteroid. (9) Had spinal meningits 22 times . (10) Whenever I go to the beach I end up splitting my shorts.   (11) OOOH that smell!!

       If you youngin's yearn to be like me...here is a list of rules you'll need to follow: (1) Never look back...you may not like what you see. (2) If it smells like fish it cant be bad. (3) Rebel against everything. (4) Dont accept gifts, They can be used as leverage against you. (5) If it looks stupid, acts stpid, and sounds stupid,...stop looking in the mirror. (6) Try everything once...ONCE!! (7) Watch the South Park movie atleast once a month. (8) Pick a hero...and plaster your bedroom wall with their likeness. (9) Dont take shit from nobody...it's smelly and will stick to your shoe. (10) Bathe more often than you do now...You smell!!