323 MOST DARK NECRO TRUE BLACK METAL: blood flowing from open self-inflicted wounds beneath full bracers and gauntlets bristling with more spikes and nails than you can shake a torch at
324 DARN GRIM NECRO AND TRUE: full bracers and gauntlets covered in spikes and nails (sticking outward, to harm others)
325 MOSTLY GRIM NECRO: bracers covered in spikes and an armband of nails
326 GRIM: bracers covered in spikes, bonus truth for somehow making an inverted cross with the spike pattern
327 MOSTLY GRIM: bracers covered in spikes and studs (careful not to get these at Hot Topic)
328 SOMEWHAT GRIM: bracers with no spikes and studs only (this can be punk, but what saves you is that this is very old-school metal, and Venom used this style the most)
329 SLIGHTLY GLOOMY: bracers with nothing else. Not true at all if the leather is not black, and uber-false if it's vegan non-leather, which means nothing died to make it and probably some union guy was paid a decent salary for it
330 GAY: bracers that are glittery, pink, neon, Martha Stewart colors, or feature in any way Hello Kitty.
331 Be influenced by grind drumming, but hate grind. Caring about issues is neither necro nor true.
332 Old medieval woodcuts and etchings of devils, demons, four horsemen, etc. are true.
333 Put them on shirts and album covers when the pictures you took of yourself get developed and turn out terrible because you took the picture of a Fjord at midnight on a new moon without the flash
334 Use those woodcuts and etchings despite the fact that Morbid Angel did this way before you and you supposedly hate them
335 It's hard to drive a car and be true. Don't drive a Volkswagon Rabbit unless you are on the way to stab a fellow band member multiple times in the head
336 Actually, Volkswagons are pretty true since they are German and were commissioned by none other than Hitler, and the name Volkswagon literally means 'the car of the German people' and were oiled with the blood of Jews from the Holocaust (figuratively). To this day, Valkswagen, BMW, and Mercedes-Benz have had lawsuits brought against them for using Jewish slave-labor during the Third Reich. None of these companies has payed a penny to anyone who suffered for years making car parts under hideous conditions for no money and living in a ghetto with the constant threat of death or worse at the hands of 16-year old sadistic SS officers. So, if you must drive a car, get one of these and be sure to mention your reasons for doing so. Don't forget rule #213
337 Even if you are a member of Venom, please don't pose for band photos in a bright red and white motorcycle racing outfit and feathered hair.
338 Love NSBM and hate USBM. Don't explain these terms when asked what they are.
339 Have some kind of opinion about Sigh. Preferably, hate them for not being European
340 Have some kind of stance on Bethlehem. Perhaps they are true because they are are German. Perhaps they are false because they scream like little schoolgirls when you stomp on them
341 Raves in Europe are often held in dark crumbling moldy castles. DO NOT BE FOOLED, these events are not at all grim or even gloomy, and often feature non-white DJs, hugging, and smiling.
342 Only ever be in a bar with a gay guy if your name is Bard and you are planning on taking that guy into the woods and stabbing him to death
343 Trolls are more true than goblins
344 Dragons are for dirty hippie pantheist new age loser weaklings. If you must like Dragons, please, call them Wyrms. This is one of the many reasons Mystic Circle is false. See also rule #49
345 Fashioning your own weapons out of nails and axe handles is an acceptable black metal pastime
346 Serving out a prison sentence, as long as it wasn't for a war protest or civil disobedience, is also true
347 Putting 'fucking' in the middle of a phrase, such as 'total fucking war' can be true, but it can also be gay. Consult Mayhem's use of this rule to aviod sounding like a trendy baggy-pants-wearing hardcore weakling
348 Spell things with a 'k' instead of a 'c.' Thus, it's Lord Kaos, kult, Kreator, kadaver, etc. Never mind that rap also invented this.
349 The only acceptable movies you can be seen watching are in the following genres:
350 underground Italian horror
351 snuff films (fake snuff films are fine as long as other people think they're real and you know they're not)
352 old German silent movies about vampires
353 propaganda films of any repressive regime that's not American
354 raw kult videos from other true bands
355 Braveheart, preferably fast-forwarding all the dialouge and love scenes
356 There are no acceptable TV shows you can watch and be true. 'Band of Brothers' doesn't cut it. Practice stabbing things in your backyard instead, which builds icy character, and scares your neighbors and parents
357 Even though you wear nothing but black all the time, die in a white shirt
358 Similarly, be caught in prison interviews wearing jogging suits you hated death metal bands for wearing
359 As a general rule, if you must play keyboards, make up for it by being as evil-looking as possible to counteract the fact that keyboards are so gay. Be a Luciferian Liberache.
360 Don't call that drum beat a 'punk beat.' Call it a 'Slayer beat.'
361 Kill all household vermin (spiders, roaches, bunnies, children) with knives or guns. Shoes are not acceptable, even if they do have dark soles.
362 Don't wear nikes despite thier use of slave labor and general contributions to the death of the modern soul. Wear boots.
363 When it comes to true cloven footwear, only wear sandals if blaspheming
364 Never, ever, wear birkenstocks
365 When you are in the forest, don't wear a backpack. If you are carrying things with you, take your guitar out of it's case and put your weaponry and majick scrolls in there.
366 Speaking of guitar cases: get a coffin case. Forget that all Goth guitarists use them
367 If you find yourself having a beard and it gets really long, tie it in manly Viking braids.
368 When asking your Goth girldfriend to braid your beard, do it in private and deny needing help later
369 When braiding your beard, don't put ribbons in it, even if real Vikings did.
370 Filing your fingernails to sharp points is acceptable, but be sure not to be seen snorting coke from them
371 Make sure you pronounce the 'Cth' in 'Cthulhu' incorrectly.
372 Don't say no. Say 'nae' or 'nay'
373 Drink blood and vomit
374 Makre sure, if you have drank these fluids in whatever miniscule ammount, to claim they came from priests or virgins
375 Only drink semen and menstrual fluid during satanic rituals
376 Hate Ozzy
377 Hate Alice Cooper
378 Hate Marilyn Manson and other shock rockers. How dare they do the same thing as you and make enough to live a life of sin while you flip burgers all morning? (if your Christian parents make you work)
379 Don't be a biker. Even though they look tough using the same 'black, leather, and spikes' idea as you, they are false for liking Janis Joplin and other weak music. Just think how dissapointing is was to see 'The Undertaker' become a biker. See? Not true.
380 Reading and liking Edgar Allen Poe is gay. See rule #49
381 Don't 'give metal horns.' Please, 'make the sign of the horns.'
382 Members of the 'Metal Mulishia' are not part of your horde. They are car-racing false inferiors.
383 Be sure to refer to friends and aquaitances as your 'horde'
384 Come up with some name for the true bands in your area that sounds vaugely like 'the black circle'
385 Don't admit to reading and liking 'Johnny the Homicidal Maniac' or 'Invader Zim'
386 Don't brandish a chainsaw. Death metal has that covered.
387 Avidly read H.P. Lovecraft and somehow don't come to the sad realization most evil gods you thought were Sumerian are actually made up by some guy from New Jersey
388 Call sleet 'freezing rain'
389 Make sure your favorite bands include Vlad Tepes, Absurd, Moonblood, Mutilation, and other bands that have more demos and shirts out than actual releases.
390 This 'like bands that have tons more shirts than albums' does not apply to CoF. See rule #49
391-666 I can't reveal every way to be black metal. We must remain mysterious to be true.
