manda . r a i

SARCASTIC ESSAY TWO

Later on my mother makes me go check on them to see how they're doing and to tell them it's time for dinner. I open the door to find... Jo on my computer. Oh great. Just what I wanted, my little cousin poking around my computer files. "Hey yo Jo," Haha, that rhymed. "It's dinner time, you too Karen." Karen was lying on my bed listening to some Chinese CD's or some shit. She better not have poked around my CDs either, or else I'm not letting anyone stay in my room anymore. Dude, can't wait for the rest of my little cousin troops to arrive. We're going to be packed, with over fifteen people staying over at my house. What fun. We'll end up camping outside if that happens. Not enough beds for everyone you know. Not enough couches either. The only thing to look forward to is my truly dear cousin Mikel coming over later. He's the only cool one of the bunch. Karen and Jo follow me downstairs to the dining room. I probably should say Jo isn't really her name, her name is Joleen, but she doesn't like to be called that. She prefers Jo. Can't imagine why. My mother already ordered some pizza, probably to introduce them to American food or something. You'd think there's pizza in Singapore! Sure enough, there is pizza in Singapore. Junky pizza though. Over dinner they talk to my mother in such perfect Chinese it makes me sick. I just can't wait until the rest of my Chinese speaking cousins arrive... what fun and joy.

Day Three of the Jo and Karen attack. Jo's taken over my computer and internet for the better part of the day. Karen's taken over my CD player and my CDs I might add. Great, now I have absolutely nothing to do, and part two of my cousins are coming over today. Even worse than Jo and Karen, it's a bunch of little what... five and eight year old guys. I'm going to be attacked by dinosaurs and Power Rangers and whatnot the rest of the vacation. Can't wait to be the enemy in a violent war, gosh, I can count on my little cousins to bring their toy guns and their plastic swords and start killing everybody. They're coming with their parents too; dude, I hate their father, he's scary. Jo and Karen's father is coming over later in the week. What fun. At least the good thing about the little boys is that I don't have to play with them, I'm too old for that. My sisters can worry about that.

3:45 PM. James and Allen and their parents should be arriving soon. My father already went to the airport to pick them up. I sit around downstairs idly watching TV since my room is being taken over, waiting for their arrival. I hear the garage open. I brace myself against the screaming and running that is sure to follow. BAAAAAM! The door to the garage flies open and these two extra hyper little kids explode into the room. "BOOOOM!!! RrrrAaaAaAaaaRrrRRr!!!" Little planes and dinosaurs zoom around my head. I feel something poke against my neck. I reach back and pull a plastic gun away from my head. James comes running around and slaps handcuffs on my wrists. He laughs and drops the key purposely on the floor and kicks it under the sofa. Oh great, so this is what I'm going to have to live with for the next week and a half. Wonderful. I see their mom and dad walk through the door followed by my father. I stand up to greet them, only to find that the little critters had handcuffed my leg to the coffee table leg. So I stay put and wait for them to come to me. I say hello and smile sweetly. "HellooOooo..... how are you doing?" In Chinese though, of course. They say "hi" and say how big I've grown and all that stuff that relatives say when they see you again after they haven't seen you for months or something. It's the same thing all the time. "Oh wow, you're so tall! You're so pretty! You're so smart! You're so big now! I can't believe it!" The same exact words all the time. Makes me sick. You'd think they were a broken record or something, except they repeat it every few years. "James and Allen are so sweet," I say to them, while smiling really big. They nod at me and they go off with my father to explore our house. I turn around to find James or Allen, but they are nowhere to be seen. Dude, so I'm stuck here like an idiot, handcuffed to my own coffee table. I push the sofa back and find the key to unlock the handcuffs. Where did they find this plastic shit anyways? They probably stopped at a toy store on the way home and bought a toy police kit. James and Allen had already stormed their way upstairs to terrorize my siblings and probably Jo and Karen too. Dude, that's wonderful. I walk upstairs to see where they were staying. Apparently Jo and Karen are moving to my sister's room and James and Allen and their family are staying in my room since it's bigger. I should start renting my room out, I bet I'd make tons of money from that. Either that or I should get a chain link fence to block off all the stuff I don't want them to touch, and equip it with a shocker. I can see little Allen flying across the room because he touched the fence. Wooooo.. there he goes. The little critters are bouncing on top of my bunk bed, pretending they are paratroopers and jumping off the edge. I wouldn't be surprised if one of them broke their neck by the end of the week.

continue to page 3 >>